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A poem for Nadia

ESL Writing » Poetry

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Latest post Mon, Aug 14 2006 2:24 PM by Beatrix. 2 replies.
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Beatrix  +  241613 Fri, 30 Jun 06 03:20 PM
A Poem For Nadia

A picture of perfection thou art,
how could I erase thee from mine heart,
Losin' thee linger I feel it's hard,
without thee I'm an incomplete tart,

I LOVE thee,
adore a time when the two of us called we,
I LOVE thee,
when thou spoken thy belong to me,

Lost a sun, elegantly thou came like a rainbow,
incoparable beauty i long to it now,
vanished its color drag out mine feelin' of morrow,
then my days swathed so hollow,

Nadia...
Nadia...
Nadia...
Nadia...

Mine tears burst to river,
mine soul weak and shiver,
insanity has turned mine faith to a killer,
resisted a Man we used to call Father,

flew up thou art mine Angel to heaven,
know now how to remove mine heart that lament,
walk alone along the pavement,
to thee i promise to be strong, though bereavement forsaken,

Nadia...
Nadia...
Nadia...
Nadia...

For thee i forgive,
succumbed not ina  deep grief,
there's a time when all things should leave,
but our memories would never drift,
Beatrix
Joined on Fri, Jun 16 2006
Indonesia
New Member 28
"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic"
Mister Micawber  +  241734 Sat, 01 Jul 06 02:07 AM

I lost interest after the first thou art met losin' thee.  It is an egregious mismatch of register.  Even Shakespeare stopped using thees and thous.  Not a single line sounds sincere.  Scrap it and start again, Beatrix.  Try to say what you feel clearly, simply, directly and without cliches (picture of perfection; erase thee from mine heart; tears burst to river; Angel to heaven; heart that lament; bereavement forsaken; etc etc) or superfluous Nadias.

An incomplete tart indeed.
Mister Micawber
Joined on Wed, Aug 4 2004
Yokohama
Veteran Member 30,754
'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master-- that's all.'
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Beatrix  +  255744 Mon, 14 Aug 06 02:24 PM
Dear Mister Micawber,

Dont you know that most girl sometimes want to hear or create things dramatically...a lil bit cliche too. If I write things directly and as simple as how most men want...I would lose the sense of dramatic situation. I know that the poem is dedicated for a lady and should've been written in the way most men would say to her...I'm sure you wouldnt mind if I try to make it a bit 'over'.

Thank you so much Mister Micawber =)


E!
Beatrix
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