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A poem of mine waiting for your comments!

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Latest post Thu, Jul 19 2007 12:11 AM by Sushi*. 10 replies.
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Need.2.C.U  +  379455 Thu, 14 Jun 07 01:45 PM

Hello everybody. I'm a Tunisian studying English in the university. I like to write English poems from time to time. I have lately written a poem but I still don't know how good it is. I hope you can help me. All comments are welcome. The poem is a bit long. Sorry!

Death of a butterfly! 

Tension is high

My eyes still cry

Her lips are dry

They say her soul will fly

I know it's a lie

But will she really die?

***

Around me, I feel fears

Beside me, I see tears

In the room, I hear people praying

Outside, I hear children playing

This should be really a nightmare

But no it's not and I'm not asleep

***

She's sweating heavily

Trembling out of fever

I barely can stand steadily

Having my own fears and fever

Will she really go and leave me?

Maybe she won't, who can tell me?

It's unbelievable how sick she seems

She can't be that girl who always beams

Why did she try to hide her illness?

Why didn't she say she was suffering?

Oh God, have mercy upon all of us

Please help her and make it easy for us

***

Now, the doctor rises and turns,

"To its creator, her soul returns

I'm terribly sorry, No breath

Please be strong

All of us will face death"

He says in a sad tone,

Then asks to use the phone

***

Stunned, I stand

For a while, nothing I understand

Then I realize what all that means

And crying I fall down on my knees

I remember yesterday

 We spent it together

It was her birthday

And the sweetest ever

How happy she was

How beautiful she was

She made me smile and laugh

But why weren't I bold enough?

Why didn't I make her smile?

Why didn't I make her laugh?

Why didn't I say that word?

Why didn't I tell the world?

Before she said: see you

I should have said: I love you

I should have said: I need you

I should have said: I want you

I should have opened up with her

I should have told the truth to her

But what difference could that have made?

That was her destiny and today farewell I bade

***

With pain, I look at her pale face

I wish I could kiss her forehead

I see a smile, a smile on her face

A strange one, of words came instead

Oh God! Did she try to tell me something?

Does that smile want to say she knew something?

***

Yes she knew, she knew I love her

How didn't I get to understand her?

The last thing she said yesterday

Was: I feel this is my first birthday

And when I asked her why

She said: I'm now a butterfly

I'm born today as I knew

The dream of my life has come true

I'm the happiest creature in the world

And believe me I'll be always like that

Even if I leave this world

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you
Need.2.C.U
Joined on Wed, Jun 14 2006
Tunisia
New Member 10
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness!
julielai  +  379781 Fri, 15 Jun 07 04:16 AM

Just one comment: Show, not tell

Disclaimer: I'm not exactly an expert around here.

julielai
Joined on Sun, Oct 24 2004
Senior Member 3,827
Just another blogger (http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/julie-lai)
Related discussions
Need.2.C.U  +  380641 Sun, 17 Jun 07 01:05 PM

Thank you for your comment, julielai. But excuse me, I don't think I really understand what you mean. Where exactly should I replace tell with show? Are you talking about this line?
Why didn't I tell the world?
Thank you again. It doesn't really matter if you are not an expert. What really matters is that you read my poem and had something to say about it. Waiting for more comments.
Need.2.C.U
julielai  +  380719 Sun, 17 Jun 07 04:12 PM

An example of show: He is trembling like a leaf. (His action speaks for itself.)

An example of tell: He is afraid. (You're telling the readers that.)
julielai
Need.2.C.U  +  381058 Mon, 18 Jun 07 02:53 PM
Thank you julielai for your explanation. Now I understand what you mean. But I think that if I will show instead of telling, I'll be then changing most of the poem if not all of it. I think that telling is ok with this poem. In fact, I wanted the whole poem from the beginning to be told by someone not shown. Anyway, your opinion is very important to me. What do you think?
Need.2.C.U
Poet Priya  +  383684 Sun, 24 Jun 07 10:50 AM
i think its fantastic n really good,
u r a nice n expressive poet
u r able to express urself well
ur poem is really good,
keep it up
Poet Priya
Joined on Sun, Jun 24 2007
Fiji Islands
New Member 06
P.Devi life is too short to explore the everything, make most of now!
Need.2.C.U  +  383790 Sun, 24 Jun 07 04:15 PM
Poet Priya, thank you so much for your words. They really made me happy. It's great to know that you like my poem. I'm always trying to do my best to write good ones. I'm still a beginner at writing English poems but I know I can be better with people's encouragement and pieces of advice. Thank you!
Need.2.C.U
Sushi*  +  392118 Sat, 14 Jul 07 05:59 PM


Dear Need.2.C.U:

you first introduced yourself as Tunisian
I think it's pretty brilliant when a non-native speaker tries to write something in a

lang that is completely different from his own
I am an Arabic speaker too, and I write poem in English tooWink [;)]

My opinion about your poem is that you -whithin the telling- show something to your reader
When I read it first , I saw someone lying on the bed, heated by fever and suffering death pains 
then , when it goes to the day b4, about the birthday. you were absolutely pensive
then , when she smiled at last, you were imaginative.
I think, the poem smoothely moves from one point into another.

the best lines I liked:Smile [:)]


Now, the doctor rises and turns,

"To its creator, her soul returns

I'm terribly sorry, No breath

Please be strong

All of us will face death"

He says in a sad tone,

Then asks to use the phone"

Good luck
.......................
Sushi*
Joined on Tue, Jul 10 2007
Syria/ Aleppo
New Member 12
The Young Perish The Old Shall Linger " The Lord Of The Rings"
Samarnh_p  +  392294 Sun, 15 Jul 07 05:39 AM

Hi Tunisian, I'm Samarnh Pang from Mission College, Thailand. It's a great pleasure to have read your peom. You know I love the setting, mood, tone, and also the rhyme scheme. I read through your poem three times and decided to drop by. I think it's great if you may check or modify a little bit on the use of repitition. Normally, repetitions of a poetic work illustrates better on certian moods and tones of the author intentions. However, they are able to add up tention for reader, esepcially when a reader could not have images in mind.

Besides, I appreciate that you use good symbolic items. Keep doing good job Tunisian. Actually, I love literature as you do.      
Samarnh_p
Joined on Sun, Jul 15 2007
Pang
New Member 05
Cast out burdens, Invite freedom.
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