Academic English - 'poor wordy' sentences

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Tanit

#300281 Mon, 04 Dec 06 01:53 AM

Not sure if this is the right thread; however, hope I'll find some help! Smile [:)]

I've been asked to choose some "poorly worded" sentences from postgraduate theses and rewrite them, explaining why they are wrong (I'm not cheating ... it's not an assignment and I won't be marked!)

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Example no.1 and edited version:

'During a hundred years, 150 traders had been reduced to less than 10 with approximately 20,000 square feet of redundant space and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighting the site.'

According to SOURCE (YEAR), the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10 in a hundred years, from YEAR1 to YEAR2. As a consequence, a space of approximately 20,000 square feet was redundant and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighted the site.’

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Example no.2 and edited version:

'Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales has a similar population to Dartmoor of 26,000, it also attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year yet covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor.'

According to the (YEAR) Census, Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales, has a population of 26,000 inhabitants, similar to the Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales). Figures from (SOURCE1) show that it attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year; yet, it covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor (data from SOURCE2).

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Are the editings correct? I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example.

Thank you very much in advance!

Tanit

Joined on Mon, Jul 31 2006

In the middle of the Mediterranean Sea

Senior Member (2,139)

A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. (A. Schweitzer)

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Clive

#300285 Mon, 04 Dec 06 02:23 AM

Hi,

I've put my suggestions in blue.

I've been asked to choose some "poorly worded" sentences from postgraduate theses and rewrite them, explaining why they are wrong (I'm not cheating ... it's not an assignment and I won't be marked!)

---------------------------------

Example no.1 and edited version:

'In a century, the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10. As a consequence, approximately 20,000 square feet, and a further 25,000 square feet of cellar space, fell into disuse and blighted the site.’

---------------------------------

Example no.2 and edited version:

'Snowdonia National Park in Wales has a population of 26,000, similar to that of Dartmoor. Like Dartmoor, it attracts around 6 to 10 million visitors a year, yet it covers 823 square miles compared to Dartmoor's smaller 386 square miles.'

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Are the editings correct? I didn't try to add the sources of this information, although I see that you feel this is necessary.

I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example. Grammatically, it's fine. It conveys a suggestion of contarast, which I assume is the author's intention.

Best wishes, Clive

Clive

Joined on Thu, Oct 28 2004

Canada

Veteran Member (21,162)

El tango argentino es un pensamiento triste que se puede bailar (The tango argentino is a sad thought which can be danced) Enrique Santos Discépolo

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Feebs11

#300526 Mon, 04 Dec 06 07:16 PM

Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales)

Small point - Dartmoor is in England, not Wales.

Feebs11

Joined on Thu, Nov 23 2006

Senior Member (4,919)

Tanit

#300575 Mon, 04 Dec 06 10:03 PM

Clive wrote:

I didn't try to add the sources of this information, although I see that you feel this is necessary.

You're absolutely right, sources are necessary (but not because of a feeling of mine Smile [:)] )

Clive wrote:

I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example. Grammatically, it's fine. It conveys a suggestion of contrast, which I assume is the author's intention.

Yes, I knew the meaning. What I was not sure about was the punctuation (in the original sentence there were no punctuation marks both before and after 'yet').

I see you've used only a comma ( ... a year, yet it covers ... ).

Shall I consider it as a general rule, when 'yet' act as a conjunction?

Thank you very much!!!