Hi,

You seem to have a good grasp of the situation. Both the advisories you received are sound.  Active voice is more direct, and English speakers like directness.

Some people have a habit of beginning too many sentences with "I," which makes their correspondence unpleasant to read.

But, as you say, sometimes YOU are the subject of the correspondence, so you may as well get to the point.

If you read over what you've written, and feel there are too many "I's," you may wish to flip some to passive.   "I finished the project on Tuesday," can become, "The project was finished on Tuesday," as long as the information that YOU are the one who did it is either obvious or unimportant.

Your proposed start is fine.  Just because you see a "being" verb doesn't mean you're in the passive.  "I am the president," is active voice.  Sometimes people confuse passive with intransitive.  Not all verbs can be transformed to passive voice.  "I slept through the meeting," is active, but intransitive. You can't transform that to passive.

Best wishes,  - A.