Advice on "Comparison Essay"

Hello everyone! Second-time poster here. *grin* I recently put up my "Classification Essay" for your advice (see - Advice on "Classification Essay"). Here is another essay I could use some help with.

My instructor says that the examples were too broad and that I should pick two specific weight-loss programs and compare them with more detail.

He likes the following format:

Thesis statement, claim, forecast, criteria #1, program 'A' comparision, program 'B' comparision, criteria #2, program 'A' comparison, program 'B' comparision, criteria #3, program 'A' comparision, program 'B' comparison... etc to conclusion.

Your advice on my essay (posted below) would be greatly appreciated!

--- Begin essay ---

Diet Versus Exercise – The Debate Rages On

You know what sucks? Kicking around ideas for an essay and finding out that a fellow classmate has a similar idea for a topic. This particular topic is one that I am acutely interested in and have spent a lot of time over the years reading about it – what makes a good weight-loss program? So, I'm going to run with it anyways. Besides, it makes for a most non-heinous comparison: dieting versus exercising – which is a better weight-loss tool?
Before we let the heavyweights go toe-to-toe (pun most definitely intended) let's list the characteristics of a good weight-loss program. These characteristics should include losing weight, keeping the weight off for the long haul, and improving overall health. These three criteria are the foundation for any good weight-loss program.
Let's start with losing weight. An estimated 55% of the adult population in the United States are considered obese. (National Institutes of Health, National Heart Lung, and Blood Institute, 1998). What actually causes weight gain? According to the Institute of Medicine, “[weight gain] occurs when energy intake exceeds the amount of energy expended over time.” (Larkin 1996) To lose weight, you simply create a situation where energy expenditure is greater than energy intake.
A good diet can help you to lose weight. The focal point of most traditional diets is food intake. Good diets encourage you to watch what you eat. While the specifics of each can vary a great deal, it generally includes eating healthy foods in amounts that would be lower than your energy expenditure. So, a good diet can definitely be effective in losing weight.
Exercise can include any form of physical activity and, according to Dr. George Sopko of the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, exercise can be every bit as effective in losing weight as dieting. (Sopko et al. 1985) In a twelve-week study Sopko et al. reported that when the energy reduction from a diet and the energy expenditure from exercise are equal, then the weight loss results will be similar. So, you can either chose not to eat that donut that is calling your name, or you can take a brisk, 30-minute walk after you eat it – the results will be the same.
Keeping the weight off is the second criteria for an effective weight-loss program. It does no good to lose weight if you are unable to keep it off for the long haul. Dr. Victor Herbert, professor of medicine and director of the Nutrition Center at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine and Bronx VA Medical Centers in New York City, says, “to maintain weight loss, the number of calories consumed and expended should be about the same.”
Long-term weight maintenance is the weak link in many diet programs. Once the desired weight is achieved, it requires that you constantly monitor your energy intake to ensure it does not exceed your energy expenditure. This means that your diet must be maintained and adjusted for the rest of your life. Vigilance of this level can be hard to maintain day in and day out for years on end.
Exercise faces the same hurdle in weight maintenance – continued diligence. Energy expenditure must equal energy intake. This means you must continue to exercise on a regular basis. However, exercise does have a couple of advantages over dieting: First – the results are more instantaneous. After a good workout you have the mental satisfaction of having actively burned off energy as opposed to abstaining from energy intake. Second – Exercise causes the body to build more muscle. By their very nature, muscles consume energy. Thus, the more muscles you have, the more energy is needed to fuel these muscles.
The final piece of the puzzle is to improve overall health. Losing the weight and maintaining the desired weight will directly contribute to an overall improvement in health by the virtue of less fat in the body. Excess fat in the abdominal area will independently increase an individual’s risk of insulin resistance and high blood lipids. Excess fat in the abdominal area also creates an extremely high risk of cardiovascular disease. (Grundy et al. 1999) In short, excess stomach fat increases the risk of diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease – you become a walking time bomb where the odds of a major health crisis happening are quite high.
A successful dieting program will definitely improve overall health when the ideal weight is reached and maintained. With the loss of the excess abdominal fat, health risks will drop. In addition, by eating healthier foods, the body is ensured proper nutrients for normal day-to-day functions.
Exercise will also help to improve overall health. This is also where regular exercise will really shine in the entire weight-loss puzzle. Like dieting, when exercise reduces abdominal fat and helps maintain the desired weight, health risks will drop. But what if, despite regular exercise or regular dieting, you are unable to lose weight? In dieting, the health risks of diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease will remain high. Not so for exercise. In a study by Dr. Robert Ross of the School of Physical and Health Education at Queen’s University in Canada, it was determined that exercisers who did not lose any weight still showed an improved sensitivity to insulin and a marked increase in their levels of HDL – the good kind of cholesterol. (Ross et al. 2000) So, from the overall health perspective, even if you are unable to lose weight, regular exercise can independently decrease the risk for many weight-related health issues.
In summary, an effective weight-loss program includes losing the weight, keeping it off, and improving overall health. When comparing dieting and exercise side-by-side in each of these categories to determine which, if either, is the better weight-loss tool they are both very similar in their end results. Ultimately, it depends on your personal preferences. Do you want to exercise on a regular basis? Or do you want to reach for a piece of fruit when you feel like snacking and avoid the dessert cart when eating out? The most important thing is to stay with it. Make a lifelong commitment to losing weight and maintaining your ideal weight and as a result you will likely enjoy better health.
Either dieting or exercise can help you with an effective weight-loss program. But you are not limited to one or the other. Combining them and using them both hand-in-hand multiplies the benefits and overlaps the strengths of each. Eating a wide variety of healthy foods helps your body with its everyday functions. In addition, one of the best ways to combat body fat is to never eat those unwanted calories in the first place. Plus, exercise helps to build and tone the body. It improves cardiovascular performance and reduces the risks of weight-related health issues. After all, dying from a weight-related health problem and having to face the Reaper would be most non-non-heinous!
So, if you'll “be excellent to [your body]” then chances are your body will let you live a nice long life so you can “party on dudes!”

--- End essay ---

Again, thanks in advance for your help!

Rob

*grin* Flattery will get you everywhere. Thanks for the compliments.

You are correct - my opening paragraph is extremely casual. Purpose for it? To be different from the norm. The instructor really doesn't care too much about the actual substance of the essay - his main emphasis (according to him) is to follow the 'nuts-and-bolts' layout that he has specified and to use our own voice.

Unfortunately, his layout that he has presented in class is still a concept that my classmates and I are struggling to grasp. So far, I am the only one who has received an "A-" on any of the essays that have been turned in.

So, my casual voice is an attempt to be different from the norm. To stand out from the rest. Perhaps I should reword it to be less casual... but when I met with him to discuss my essay revision he didn't mention it as an issue, so perhaps I might leave it. Decisions, decisions!

I'll post my first essay (a Definition Essay) below to let you get a feel for my style and to see what he considers to be a decent paper:

--- Begin Definition Essay ---

“Educated” - More Than a Diploma on the Wall

The definition of “educated” is such an elusive term. The reason for this is that it means different things to different people. Bearing that in mind, my intent is to address the younger generation with what I feel constitutes the definition of being “educated” and will endeavor to explain my viewpoint on what being educated means. An “educated” person has more than just a diploma on the wall or a bunch of letters after their name. To be truly considered as educated, one must have social skills and moral intelligence as well as a formal education. If one pursues a course of action to expand themselves in all three of these areas then one can increase their likelihood of being considered “educated” by most, if not all, people that they associate with.
Van Sloan, the inventor of Social Quotient, has devoted an entire website to the concept of social skills and social intelligence. Throughout his website he repeatedly underscores the importance of social skills in our society. (Sloan) So what are social skills? Does it mean that an individual should be striving to be popular? To know all the funniest jokes or the latest gossip? Should one become the life of the party – to be a social butterfly – flitting around the room? Developing social skills is not a popularity contest, although individuals with good social skills often find themselves well-liked by others. The most common traits related to successful social skills include having a positive personality and showing a genuine interest in others.
When one has a positive personality they tend to draw others to them. Positive attitudes can be contagious and people are generally drawn to those with a strong, healthy outlook on life and an interest in others. As a result, friends, neighbors, associates and others have more opportunities to be exposed to one with a positive attitude – and this exposure can give people a better look at their moral and intellectual levels. This additional exposure increases one's chance of being considered 'educated'. Assuming that there really is something up there to hold one's ears apart.
What does a moral background have to do with being considered 'educated'? Isn't one's morals simply a personal thing between oneself and their god? Yes and no – morals make up the very fiber of one's being. Morals define the direction that one takes in life. Dr. Michele Borba tells us that “moral intelligence is the capacity to understand right from wrong; it means to have strong ethical convictions and act on them so that one behaves in the right and honorable way.” (Borba) In addition, Dr. Robert Coles states “moral intelligence means how we behave. It's moral behavior tested by life, lived out in the course of our everyday experience.” (Coles)
While moral decisions are personal ones, the result of those decisions effect how one thinks and acts. These thoughts and actions will have an impact on those around us. One who has a strong moral intelligence often will seek to develop their full potential. Thus realizing this potential means to develop oneself in ways such as getting a good education and developing social skills in order to be a positive, contributing member of society.
Formal education is the final key to rounding out the “educated” person. Of the three areas, formal education is probably the least understood and has the most
misconceptions. The essence of a formal education is to attend school with the intent to broaden one's horizons and expand one's understanding of what is presented; to learn new things and even to learn more about what one already knows.
Unfortunately, to some, attending school is little more than trying to get good grades. Individuals with this mindset often will go to great lengths to ensure good grades at the expense of getting a quality education. Paul Goodman goes so far as to state “the naive teacher points to the beauty of the subject and the ingenuity of the research; the shrewd student asks if he is responsible for that on the final exam.” (Goodman) Indeed, I myself have been in classrooms where students have sat in disinterest upon learning that information being presented by the teacher will not be on any tests.
Learning, just for the sake of learning, can be a rarity at schools all over. Jacob Neusner voices his own thoughts on the subject telling us that “we have prepared you for a world that does not exist, indeed, that cannot exist. You have spent four years supposing that failure leaves no record. You have learned at Brown [University] that when when your work goes poorly, the painless solution is to drop out.” (Neusner) Neusner goes on to berate students and teachers alike for creating and living in a world where, upon graduation, students are ill prepared for the real world because many students do just enough to get by and quit if the going gets tough while their teachers, perhaps jaded by this attitude of the students, simply let them slip through the system.
Fortunately this view is not shared by all. This world is filled with students and teachers who thrive on learning new things. In the immortal words of Henry David
Thoreau: “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the
essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” (Thoreau) This is truly the heart of education – to put aside those things that are non-essential and to learn what life has to teach us.
Perhaps, as one learns and gains an education, they also come to the understanding that 'book-learning' is only but a part of what makes one “educated.” As one branches out to include social skills and moral intelligence they increase the likelihood that those around them will look up to them and elevate them to the status of being an “educated” person.
In researching the topic of what it means to be “educated” I have learned many new things that have not only reinforced my claims as to what it means, but have learned that many others with much more knowledge and experience than I, have determined that being “educated” involves much more than having a high IQ and a loaded pocket protector. Social skills, moral intelligence, and formal education are but the tip of a multi-faceted and fascinating iceberg.
As researchers and experts continue to probe deeper into this subject it is reasonable to expect that the future will hold an entirely different world for us. Education will no longer simply be limited to attending school, taking tests, and trying to score high marks. Perhaps traditional schools will branch out to encompass the broadening understanding of what “educated” is, or perhaps new schools will spring up that embrace these concepts and open their doors to all who truly want to journey down that never-ending road of learning, growing and expanding our minds; of creating strong morals; and of developing the skills necessary to have a positive impact on those around us. I, for one, am looking forward to such a day.

--- End Definition Essay ---

The only issue my teacher had with this essay is that he felt I didn't 'flesh out' my references enough.

Rob

Rob’s comment:
The only issue my teacher had with this essay is that he felt I didn't 'flesh out' my references enough.

This brief section from a book about postgraduate dissertations explains clearly how an essay needs to ‘connect’ with professional literature (your references).

“faculty advisors want your project not only to display your ability to answer the particular question on which your research will focus, but also to demonstrate how skilfully you (a) situated your chosen topic within a relevant body of knowledge, (b) found in the literature a significant quantity of other studies that bear on your topic, (c) evaluated the quality of those studies (their strengths and limitations), (d) identified the linkages between your project and previous studies, and (e) showed what contribution your project can make to the field in which your work is located.

There are also various other functions that the literature review can serve. Hence, it is useful to consider what those functions are and where material bearing on them can suitably be placed. Here are ten such functions. A survey of the literature can…


R. Murray Thomas and Dale L. Brubaker, Theses and Dissertations A Guide to Planning, Research, and Writing (Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey, 2000) 33.

From another posting, I gather that you may have just completed your first year at university? Murray’s information is aimed at masters & doctoral students preparing a formal dissertation. Obviously the information doesn’t suit your situation completely but perhaps you can see where you are heading?

We mentioned before that you have a gift for writing. The moderator took special care to supply a suitable framework for most undergraduate essays. This last piece of advice from Murray may help give you perspective on academic writing as a whole.

Where do you wish to take your studies? You write well and perhaps you should keep searching for ways to extend your talent.

Not meaning to be rude. Your gifted should read you are gifted. You're gifted.