Please advise on my personal statement

Hello,

My name is Patrick. I am applying to a Master's degree in Physics and I need to write a personal statement. Very exactly the application form asks for "Personal statement (your motivation for applying)" without any further indication on the length required or if it should be a letter.

I had a look at several posts here and that already helped me a lot! Indeed at the beginning my letter was only 15 lines and that really seems not to be enough!

Please could someone review the following draft to tell me if it is too short, if it is clear or enthusiastic enough?
Does it look like what a personal statement should?

I have to post it (by mail) before April 10th, sorry for the short notice

Thank you very much in advance for any comment!

Patrick

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a French engineer applying for a Master’s Program in Physics in your university.

After completing the master’s degree I aim at obtaining a PhD focusing on nanotechnologies and more particularly on nano-devices. I hope by this way to be able to integrate a research team and work in this promising domain.

I have a French engineering degree in Electronics since September 2004 from *** with an emphasis on signal processing for radar systems and propagation issues. In parallel and through the Erasmus exchange program I spent one and a half year in YYY  in Denmark. I obtained there a master’s degree in Mobile Communications in July 2004 in which I went deeper into radio systems behaviour and how to exploit at best the radio channel capacity.
I really liked working on advanced technologies but I wanted to get some experience in a company before applying for a PhD.

I have now been working for two years as a Telecom instructor for WWW in France. My tasks include self learning, writing courses and giving lectures to WWW staff and clients mainly over Europe. This position allowed me to visualize a complete mobile network from the development to the maintenance procedures and to develop the pedagogic skills required to share my knowledge and experience.

Through a project done in my engineering school I got the chance to discover nanotechnologies and their promising applications in all the domains. From that time I read a lot about nanotechnologies discovery and particularly to the expectations related to nano-robots. An old dream would be to enter a research team working on nano-robots and I would be really interested in the communications between the robots at this scale. A good way to work on nano-devices with my background is certainly to get a relevant training on fundamental physics.

Moreover my girlfriend and I are particularly attracted to Norway because of its culture and way of life. She is working in the oil and gas industry and should be able to find a position in Norway. It would be marvelous if we could both complete our professional and personal wishes.

With its increasingly support to research activities about ICT, biotechnology and nanotechnology, Norway reveals a dynamic research community which have also a great appeal for me.

I am confident that the master’s program in physics will give me a solid foundation to further pursue with a PhD.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

 Patrick

Dear Nona,

Thank you very much for your corrections and for having reassured me.

In addition to the corrections I have reformulated and completed some parts of my letter.

Could you please review the highlighted areas where I made some modifications?

Thanks a lot in advance.

Kind regards,

Patrick

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a French engineer applying for a Master’s Program in Physics in your university.

After completing the master’s degree I aim at obtaining a PhD focusing on nanotechnologies and more particularly on nano-devices. I hope by this way to be able to integrate into a research team and work in this promising domain.

I was awarded a French engineering degree in Electronics in September 2004 from *** with an emphasis on signal processing for radar systems and propagation issues. In parallel with my last year of engineering school and through the Erasmus exchange program I spent one and a half year in YYY  in Denmark. I obtained there a master’s degree in Mobile Communications in July 2004 in which I went deeper into radio systems behaviour and how to best exploit the radio channel capacity.
I really liked working on advanced technologies but I wanted to get some experience in a company before applying for a PhD.

I have now been working for two years as a Telecom instructor for WWW in France. My tasks include self learning, writing courses and giving lectures to WWW staff and clients mainly in Europe. This position allowed me to visualize a complete mobile network from the development to the maintenance procedures and to develop the pedagogic skills required to share my knowledge and experience. However instead of broadening my knowledge in existing theories and products I would prefer participate in the building of this knowledge, I would love working in the research field.

Through a project done in my engineering school I got the chance to discover nanotechnologies and their promising applications in all the domains. From that time I read a lot about nanotechnologies discovery and particularly of the expectations related to nano-robots. I am aware that nano-robots are only part of the future, but my dream would be to work on the communications between the robots at this scale. I already have a degree in mobile communications and now I wish to get a relevant training on fundamental physics. From the three years I spent in preparatory classes I know the basics of physics, and to refresh my mind I started to read books on quantum mechanics, but I need a stronger foundation to work in nanotechnologies.

The reason why I apply to your university in particular is because I have always been attracted to Norway. I have already lived in the Netherlands and in Denmark, but the Norwegian culture and way of life appeals to me greatly. Moreover with its increasingly support to research activities about ICT, biotechnology and nanotechnology, Norway reveals a dynamic research community and I would very much like to be a part of it. My girlfriend also enjoys your country and since she works in the oil and gas industry she should be able to find a position in *** area. It would be marvelous if we could both achieve our professional and personal goals.

I am confident that the master’s program in physics will give me a solid foundation to further pursue with a PhD to finally become a researcher in nanotechnologies.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

Patrick