Stun Gun test
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, purse-sized stun gun. The effects of it were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing my wife adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button and got a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could not be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but decided not to -- she is such a sweet cat. However, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and stun gun in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the Batteries!!

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 12 cm long, less than 2 cm in circumference; loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries; pretty cute really, I am thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my bare leg, pushed the button, and ??

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in an odd position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like *%#!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both hands were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Still in shock!

Note: If you ever feel compelled to test a stun gun on yourself, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!
You cannot let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!