An application letter for Primary School

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Dear all,

Please help to give me an advice and correction. Thank you.

Regards,
Vincent

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My address

Date

Mr. Wong (The Headmaster)
School name and school address

Dear Mr. Wong:

We would like to apply for admission for my daughter to your school in 2005.

My daughter’s name is Ching Ching and she is studying in level 3 at *** kindergarten.

We have great respect for the school's reputation, and we think highly of the school's facilities. We trust your school can provide good environment for her study here to equip herself for her future challenges.

Ching Ching is an adorable girl. Honestly speaking, she is not very smart but she is very active and she enjoy almost all activities inside and outside kindergarten such as common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lesson, school panic, building visiting and other activities. She can do within our expectation if we give her an enough encourage and guiding. For example, she almost gets 100% marks on school’s memorable test.

With respect to music, her violin teacher told us that she play it well.
With respect to ballet, her ballet teacher satisfies her performance too and informs us we can let her to take the exam of ballet. With regard to common academic lessons, she already like picking her school book up and read loudly if she has a space time and she love writing and drawing although the output is not good.

We would give all our effects to support her and to improve our knowledge about how to guide her in the best way. We try to join related forum and discussion as much as we can. Moreover, in violin aspect, to make sure we can guide her better, I took a full adult violin course separately. Actually, we don’t expect her to be a famous violin player, but we hope she can enjoy it.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Vincent Yim
New Member17
Please help! Thank you.
Hi all,

Can you help me? I have to release this letter on Jun 4, 2005. Thank you. : )
Mister Micawber/ hitchhiker/ nona the brit,

Would you help? It is urgent and it is very important for my daughter's future.

Thank you very much in advance!
Vincent,

I have corrected any grammatical errors, and reworked certain phrases so they read 'easier' in English. The first thing I picked up on was that you often switch between "we" and "my." You are writing the letter as a couple yet refer to your daughter as only "yours." This makes it difficult to read. I don't know if the letter is from you and your partner, and perhaps your daughter is not her daughter, or whether culturally it is normal to refer to your daughter as 'yours' (in which case your letter is correct), however for ease of reading to a native English speaker I have changed these in my revision below. Another point I would make is that it's not generally recommended to say outright that you don't consider your daughter to be very smart. I would suggest you highlight her attributes and positive characteristics over her nagative points. If you do want to get the point across I would do it verbally and in person once the headmaster has had a chance to meet your daughter, or if you feel you need to include it in the letter it should NOT be the very opening statement about Ching Ching.
Anyway, please find below the letter I would have written.

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My address

Mr. Wong (The Headmaster)
School name and school address Date

Dear Mr. Wong:

We would like to apply for OUR daughter's admission to your school in 2005.

OUR daughter’s name is Ching Ching and she is currently studying in level 3 at *** kindergarten.

We have A great respect for YOUR school's reputation, and think highly of the the school's facilities. We BELIEVE your school can provide A good environment IN WHICH SHE CAN study, AND CAN EFFECTIVELY equip her for THE CHALLENGES OF THE FUTURE.

Ching Ching is an adorable girl. She enjoys all activities inside and outside kindergarten INCLUDING common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lesson, school panic (Vincent, I don't know what you mean by school panic.....should it be 'school picnics'?), VISITING BUILDINGS, and many other activities. WITH OUR GUIDANCE AND ENCOURAGEMENT SHE HAS GREAT ACADEMIC POTENTIAL AND FREQUENTLY EXCEEDS OUR EXPECTATIONS. For example, she almost gets 100% on HER school’s memorY testS.

With REGARDS to music, her violin teacher HAS told us that she playS well.
Her ballet teacher IS ALSO PLEASED WITH her performance and HAS informED us SHE can take HER ballet EXAM. With regardS to common academic lessons, she already likeS picking UP HER school bookS AND READING OUT LOUD. SIMILARLY she loveS TO WRITE AND DRAW.

We would DO ALL IN OUR POWER to support OUR DAUGHTER and GAIN A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF how to guide her. WE HAVE JOINED RELEVANT FORUMS TO DICUSS THIS MATTER, WHICH ENABLES US TO LEARN AND SHARE EXPERIENCES WITH OTHERS. WITH REGARDS TO HER VIOLIN TUITION, I MYSELF HAVE ENROLLED ON A SEPARATE VIOLIN COURSE SO I AM BETTER ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND GUIDE HER. We don’t expect her to be a famous violin player, but we hope AT THE VERY LEAST THAT she can enjoy PLAYING it.

Thank you for CONSIDERING OUR APPLICATION, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Vincent Yim
Full Member144
Proficient Speaker: Users in this role are known to maintain an excellent grasp of the English language. You can only be promoted to this role by the Englishforums team.
Hi rwiles,

Thank you so much for your correction and advice.
Yes, for "school panic", actually, I want to say "school picnics".

Can you help to give me an advice for two more questions as below:
1) For "visiting buildings", actually, I want to say she visited schools, factories and exhibition center such as insect center, Police history center, Correction dept. history center, Plant and anamal parts etc. How to say it clearly?

2) I want this letter wrote and signed by both me and my wife. How to correct it? When it is signed by me and my wife, how to correct the subject for the setences "I MYSELF HAVE ENROLLED ON A SEPARATE VIOLIN COURSE SO I AM BETTER ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND GUIDE HER."

Best Wishes,
Vincent
Vincent,

To answer 1) I would write

'She enjoys all activities inside and outside kindergarten INCLUDING common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lessons, PICNICS WITH HER CLASSMATES, SCHOOL EXCURSIONS, and many other activities.'

or

'She enjoys all activities inside and outside kindergarten INCLUDING common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lessons, SCHOOL TRIPS, and many other activities.'

Both are correct, although the first is probably more formal, the second more friendly.

To answer 2):

You don't need to change anything Vincent. It is perfectly good English for you to refer to yourself as 'I' in this instance, as the reader of the letter will know that only one of you physically wrote the letter, but when referring to 'we' you are expressing the sentiments of you and your wife.

Now I understand what your personal situation is (i.e. that you ARE married) I would write the whole letter as follows:

My address

Mr. Wong (The Headmaster)
School name and school address Date

Dear Mr. Wong:

We would like to apply for OUR daughter's admission to your school in 2005.

OUR daughter’s name is Ching Ching and she is currently studying in level 3 at *** kindergarten.

We have A great respect for YOUR school's reputation, and think highly of the the school's facilities. We BELIEVE your school can provide A good environment IN WHICH SHE CAN study, AND CAN EFFECTIVELY equip her for THE CHALLENGES OF THE FUTURE.

Ching Ching is an adorable girl. She enjoys all activities inside and outside kindergarten INCLUDING common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lessons, SCHOOL TRIPS, and many other activities. WITH OUR GUIDANCE AND ENCOURAGEMENT SHE HAS GREAT ACADEMIC POTENTIAL AND FREQUENTLY EXCEEDS OUR EXPECTATIONS. For example, she almost gets 100% on HER school’s memorY testS.

With REGARDS to music, her violin teacher HAS told us that she playS well.
Her ballet teacher IS ALSO PLEASED WITH her performance and HAS informED us SHE can take HER ballet EXAM. With regardS to common academic lessons, she already likeS picking UP HER school bookS AND READING OUT LOUD. SIMILARLY she loveS TO WRITE AND DRAW.

We would DO ALL IN OUR POWER to support OUR DAUGHTER and GAIN A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF how to guide her. WE HAVE JOINED RELEVANT FORUMS TO DICUSS THIS MATTER, WHICH ENABLES US TO LEARN AND SHARE EXPERIENCES WITH OTHERS. WITH REGARDS TO HER VIOLIN TUITION, I MYSELF HAVE ENROLLED ON A SEPARATE VIOLIN COURSE SO I AM BETTER ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND GUIDE HER. We don’t expect her to be a famous violin player, but we hope AT THE VERY LEAST THAT she can enjoy PLAYING it.

Thank you for CONSIDERING OUR APPLICATION, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. & Mrs. Vincent Yim
Proficient Speaker: Users in this role are known to maintain an excellent grasp of the English language. You can only be promoted to this role by the Englishforums team.
Hi Rwiles,

I do appreciate your great help! Thank you very much!

Have a good weekends!

Best Wishes,
Vincent
Anonymous:
Very well written !! I give u full marks for this. Emotion: smile

cheers,

Bhavana
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