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Latest post Tue, Oct 14 2008 7:39 PM by ferpectedit. 1 replies.
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Anonymous  +  575576 Sun, 12 Oct 08 12:06 AM

             It was an emotional yet distant memory. Tears began to drip down my grandpa’s weary face as he firmly held my hands. He looked into my confused eyes and said something, but his voice was clouded by the hustling noises of the airport. My aunts comforted him as he reluctantly let go of me, and I followed Warren toward the gate. With every couple of steps, I would glance back at grandpa’s gloomy and wrinkled face as his image faded into the hectic crowd.

            When I was only five years old, my parents left me to pursue an education in the United States. My grandparents gladly welcomed me to live with them for the next four years to come, taking care of me as if I were their second son. I loved them very much; they provided me with a blissful and memorable childhood in my parent’s absence. When grandpa informed me that I would finally be able to reunite with mom and dad, I did not know how to react. After all, I was only ten years old. Warren, my dad’s dearest friend, would accompany me on the plane ride.

My jaw dropped when I first saw the size of the plane. I curiously went up to the window as I examined its enormous wings and gargantuan body. The interior was equally astonishing, designed with two floors and countless rows. Warren carefully buckled me in after we found our seats. He smiled at me and made a gesture with his hands, simulating us blasting off. I held onto a card of simple English words like “bathroom” and “water” my cousins made me as the fourteen hour flight began. I sat anxiously in my window seat as the plane began its approach toward the blue sky. The rumbling sound beneath my feet increased endlessly as the plane lifted off, and everything down below faded into an image of the blurry flat earth.

            After the movies and dinner, the sky began to grow dim as the plane quieted down. Almost everyone around me seemed to have fallen asleep. I felt alone. Then it hit me. A myriad of questions rushed into my head. Will grandpa and grandma be ok? When is the next time I will be able to see them again? What’s America like? How will I learn English? Feebly searching for answers, I began to shed tears, and my whimpering soon became a loud cry. Then, I felt Warren’s arms around me; his expression was comforting, as if he understood what I was feeling. With my eyes closed, I slipped further into the seat as I tried to flush those questions out of my head.   

             The next thing I could recall was Warren and I walking into the greeter’s hall at the Minnesota airport. I caught my mom running towards us with the corner of my eye while my dad followed closely behind. She lifted me into the air and gave me a big hug while Warren and my dad talked. After saying good bye to Warren, my parents and I proceeded to the parking lot. The car ride to our apartment was awkward at first; my parents’ appearances were so different from what I had remembered. I felt as if two strangers were bombarding me with questions about the plane ride. However, their familiar voices allowed me recall some of my early memories with them, like the first lullaby and the first birthday song we sang together.

            It was the first day of elementary school here in the United States that made me realize how blessed I was. My parents took one of the biggest risks of their time in order to provide me with this opportunity, and I made a promise that day to value it to the fullest.

ferpectedit  +  576369 Tue, 14 Oct 08 07:39 PM
I am an editor and proofreader who works (for reasonable rates!) with students and professionals. I won't do the whole essay here, but I will review your first paragraph. I would change

It was an emotional yet distant memory. Tears began to drip down my grandpa’s weary face as he firmly held my hands. He looked into my confused eyes and said something, but his voice was clouded by the hustling noises of the airport. My aunts comforted him as he reluctantly let go of me, and I followed Warren toward the gate. With every couple of steps, I would glance back at grandpa’s gloomy and wrinkled face as his image faded into the hectic crowd.

To

In a distant memory, tears drip down my grandpa’s face as he grasps my hands. He looks into my eyes and says something, but his voice is lost in the noise of the airport. My aunts comfort him as he reluctantly lets go of me. I follow Warren toward the gate. With every couple of steps, I glance back at grandpa’s anguished face until it fades into the bustling crowd.

You write very well, but I have made your sentences stronger by
1) Combining the prelude of the first sentence with the detail of the second sentence.
2) Eliminating unnecessary words like "emotional" because the emotion is made clear in the next sentence and throughout the paragraph.
3) Substituting imprecise adjectives with more appropriate ones.
I also made the verb tenses match. Although the memory takes place in the past the act of remembering that opens the essay is in the present.

If you are interested in lengthier edits, check out the site URL on my profile page. Good luck!

Joined on Mon, Sep 8 2008
New Member 27
See my profile for info on getting reasonable (or for those new to my site, free) proofreading and editing services.
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