Application Letter for Secondary School

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My sister's daughter will go to Form 1 of Secondary School next year. She need to write a letter to the Headmaster of her favor school for application.
Please help to teach us how to write it. Moreover, can you give me an example. Thank you.
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Here is my draft. I really don't know how to write it and what contain should be included. Please give me an advice. Thank you.
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My address

Date

Mr. Wong (The Headmaster)
Shcool name and School address

Dear Mr. Wong,

We would like to apply for admission for my daughter to your school in 2005.

My daughter’s name is Kitty Yim and she is studying in primary 6 at ABC Primary school.

We have great respect for the school's reputation, and we think highly of the school's facilities. Thus, we have encouraged Kitty to study here to equip herself for future challenge.

We believe that Kitty is a good girl. She is honest, working hard and a little clever. She can arrange her time to her schoolwork and her hobbies. She likes playing piano and sport. On the music aspect, her piano teacher tell us that she reaches the standard of the level 3 piano exam and she can take the exam next year although she don’t take any exam at this moment. On the sport aspect, she was lucky to get 2 first places on 50M running and 1 second place on badminton competition. On the art aspect, she took 2 course outsides school for drawings.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Vincent Yim
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Not bad at all but here are some quick pointers for you.

Hard-working not working hard.

I wouldn't describe her as a little clever. To me this sounds as though she is not clever at all. Say intelligent.
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Some further comments to nona the brit's comments.

My address

Date

Mr. Wong (The Headmaster)
Shcool name and School address

Dear Mr. Wong:

We would like to apply for admission for my daughter to your school in 2005.

My daughter’s name is Kitty Yim and she is studying in primary 6 at ABC Primary school.

We have great respect for the school's reputation, and we think highly of the school's facilities. Thus, we have encouraged Kitty to study here to equip herself for [her] future challenge.

[deleted words]Kitty is a good girl [in that s]he is honest, hard-working[,] and [intelligent]. She [deleted] arrange her time to her schoolwork and her hobbies. She likes playing piano and sport. [With respect to music], her piano teacher [told] us that she [is at a] standard level 3 and she can take [her] exam next year. [With regard to sports], [on two occasions she won first place for the 50M dash and one] second place [in a] badminton competition. [With regard to art], she took two drawing course outsides school.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Vincent Yim

You might want to change "She likes playing piano and sport" to something like,

"She likes playing piano and sport and draw."

Now you have a detailed sentence explaining each.

MountainHiker
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nona the brit/ MountainHiker,

Thank you very much!
Anonymous:
we are running a company... and we palnned to have a drawing competition in all school in chennai.... please help to teach us how to write it,moreover,can you give me an example.thank u
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