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safeer  #537038  Sat, 05 Jul 08 03:34 PM
Respected Sir,
           
                I am Safeer Hamza. P. I am hearing Impaired. I have got 15 years qualifications and one year experience with AutoCAD Map. I would like to apply for a job in your organisation in Bangalore. I need minimum salary Rs 10,000. Please find attached my Curriculum Vitae and Enable India and do the needful. If any news there please inform me by message.


               Thanks and Regards

                   Safeer Hamza
  
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Mr Wordy  #537135  Sat, 05 Jul 08 09:04 PM

Respected Sir,

"Respected Sir" sounds kind of old-fashioned to me. I think "Dear Sir" is sufficient.
            
                I am Safeer Hamza. P.

The punctuation here looks odd. Is this your full name as you usually write it?

I am hearing impaired.

I wouldn't lead with this. I would put it somewhere later, along with where you mention "Enable India".

I have got 15 years qualifications and one year experience with AutoCAD Map.

"15 years qualifications" doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It took you 15 years to accumulate them?!

I would like to apply for a job in your organisation in Bangalore. 

"Apply for a job" is vague. Are you applying for a specific job that's been advertised? If so, you should state what it is. If you're just writing in the hope that they might have a vacancy then I think you should explain that, and explain what sort of job you're looking for (even if you think it's implied by your experience).

I need minimum salary Rs 10,000.

"I need minimum salary..." sounds too abrupt to me. Personally, I would not mention this at this stage. If they were thinking of offering you more, then they're not going to after reading this! If they're interested in you and respond to your letter, then you can negotiate on the subject of salary. If you feel you want to mention it, then the wording needs to be softened in my view. 

Please find attached my Curriculum Vitae and Enable India and do the needful.

I understand that "Enable India" is an organisation that helps people with disabilities (incidentally, on their website it is written "EnAble India"). But "Please find attached my ... Enable India" doesn't make any sense to me. What actually are you attaching?

"do the needful" isn't right. What is it that you're asking them to do?

If any news there please inform me by message. 

This doesn't read too well. I would just say "I look forward to hearing from you".

  
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