Hi Josephine,
I think you should register first, if you need help, but I am ill now and have nothing to do so here are my corrections:
Dear Sir/Madam
My name is Josefine, I am 24 years old and I will graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in sociology focusing on business in June. I am highly motivated to continue my studies at the *** University. I would like to do the Master study of human resource management. I have chosen because it combines business and social science, the fields I am already familiar with. By following this program I can broaden my basic knowledge and become more specialised.
To understand the organisational behaviour I did a dual apprenticeship at ABC GmbH for two years. This multinational enterprise offered me the opportunity to gain insight in the operational sequences of an industrial firm. I supported everyday business in many departments, such as human resource management, public relations, sales, marketing, accounting, logistics, customer services and the purchasing department. It required the ability to work productively and co-operatively in different kinds of group, to work under pressure, to manage with time well and of course IT skills. At the same time I received the theoretical background at the BSD Chamber of Commerce. My subjects were industrial business management, accounting, organisation, automatic data processing and economics and civics. In the department of human resource management I helped to prearrange and to accomplish the recruiting procedure which I found very interesting. I enjoyed working with people. A human resource manager must show qualities such as sensitiveness, reliability and of course a deep expert knowledge. I hope the apprenticeship at ABC Schweiz GmbH in Switzerland would help me to gain this knowledge.
Since I enjoyed working in the human resource management I developed my skills in social science by studying sociology focusing focus on business. At the University ** I attended courses regarding the organisational behaviour and structure of institutions, communication and industry. By doing research I became familiar with information retrieval and I learned to solve problems independently. It also enabled me to think analytically and critically. Due to my double degree program I participated in, I spent one year in **/Italy at the università degli studi di **. During this year I have learned Italian and I also received the Italian “Laurea Triennale” which is the equivalent of the German bachelor degree.
I spent nine months in Boston/USA at the EF International Language School where I had the chance to improve my English which I have benn studing already for nine years. To verify my knowledge I will take the TOEFL in April 2006 and I will send you results of this exam.
The experiences I made in the USA, Italy and Switzerland made me flexible and open-minded. In addition I acquired a multicultural understanding and the ability to interact with different natures.
The combination of practical and theoretical background I gained as well as the personal skills and key competences, make me suitable to apply for the program of human resource management. I am very enthusiastic to continue my studies in Great Britain because the education system is famous for its high quality and especially the *** University has a very good reputation for………………………..
Sincerely,
Josefine
Overall it is quite good, but concerning your age (I am 25), I don´t think they would expect many experiences- two years are not so much. I would emphasize that the Master study would give you the opportunity to broaden them. From this letter it seems to me like you are so experienced you actually don ´t need it. I think this letter should sound little bit more humble...But it is just my opinion. And I think the letter of motivation should be shorter and should have 3-4 paragraphes max.
So Good luck. bye Lucy