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Latest post Tue, Jan 20 2009 3:48 AM by ferpectedit. 1 replies.
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Wanning  +  643006 Thu, 15 Jan 09 12:44 AM
Hi,
dear friends,
Below is my essay to  Franklin&Marshall College, with the topic" what lead you to apply Franklin&Marshall College?"
Please help me to point out the unclear points or any other problems.
I'll appreciate your help and value your suggestions.
__

I choose F&M for I value the close relationships with my professors. I am the very student who manages to grasp teacher’s message through tacit eye-contacts, who visits teachers’ offices most frequently, and who always attributes much of the excellence in school to close relationships with teachers. Now I can even imagine the sunny afternoon, when I sit with Professor. Nicholas Montemarano in the exquisite Philadelphia Alumni Writers House interestedly discussing some of his newly published short stories and got his advice on my essay, when I happen to meet my adviser in Shadek-Fackenthal Library and we have a chat in a comfortable seating arrangement.As one of the top 40 colleges in America, F&M ranks 1st in its faculty accessibility. As a girl who is constantly inspired and therefore deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that F&M is the place for me.

 

I choose F&M for we both have a keen interest on research. Still remember the many nights when I was writing a history report about Soong May-ling in my 10th grade. I yearned for the valuable reports about her on New York Times, but I could only access the headline and leadin of some reports from their website. But things will be different when I enter F&M. I can read reports of the May-ling’s time not only from New York Times, but from other newspapers that reflects America’s review of her as well, I can make an independent study to take full advantage of the interdisciplined atmosphere, and I can even apply for the John Marshall Scholars Program to conduct the research and trace May-ling in Nanjing Taipei and New York. As a girl who has cultivated serious dedication to research and who has determined to earn a Ph.D degree, I feel that F&M and me will be a great match.  

 

I choose F&M for there is a stage for me to show my ballroom dance talents. As a girl who has been fascinated by the elegance of ballroom dance for years, who has accumulated sufficient experience in the two-year practise as an instructor of the school club, and who has succeeded in organizing the 2006&2007 New Year Dance in high school, I know that I can find a place here at F&M. I am eager to meet professional peers in F&M ballroom dance club, I am passionate about introducing new ballroom dance steps to F&M campus and I even wildly dream of holding a magnificent “2010 Ballroom Dance Gala”in the newly built Roschel Performing Arts Center on the New Year’s Eve, when we will invite “Chouchenn to play the music, when we will be in our most shining evening attire, and when with the rhythm in shoes we gracefully step into a brand new year.

 

I know that F&M is an unusual place. From the first impression of the many red brick buildings nestling among green trees, from the sense of belonging I instantly felt at the sight of the Old Main, I know that F&M is the place for me.

Joined on Wed, Jan 14 2009
New Member 03
ferpectedit  +  648818 Tue, 20 Jan 09 03:48 AM
Hello:
I work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your whole essay here, but I will show you the changes I would make in the first paragraph.

I am choosing Franklin & Marshall because I value close relationships with my professors. I am the type of student who wants to fully understand her teacher’s message, who visits teachers’ offices and who can attribute much of her achievement in school to the relationships she has cultivated with teachers. I want to sit with Professor Nicholas Montemarano in the Philadelphia Alumni Writers' House discussing some of his newly published short stories and getting his advice on my essay. Among the top 40 colleges in America, F&M ranks first in faculty accessibility. As a person inspired and deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that F&M is the place for me.

Your first paragraph is basically sound, but I removed a lot of unnecessary words and awkward phrases and tried to clarify some murky parts. At some points I had to guess at what you wanted to convey, so if I have changed your meaning, please correct my revision. Good luck and take care.

Joined on Mon, Sep 8 2008
New Member 27
See my profile for info on getting reasonable (or for those new to my site, free) proofreading and editing services.
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