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This is a discussion thread.
Latest post Mon, Oct 26 2009 10:53 PM by Marylain. 4 replies.
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Marylain
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951785
Sat, 24 Oct 09 08:46 PM
Would you please be so kind as to correct this little text for me? Please... I need a correction in two days! I put some alternatives and comments in brackets and parentheses. Thank you so much in advance for ANY help (even partial!) -- Note: The entire passage is written in present tense in source language. I used present tense also in English, but I don't know if it is okay. "Need help?"
"Someone who kills me" (← this is the literary translation. Another alternative that comes in my mind is: "I need someone who wants to kill me"? The girl wants to be killed by an assassin!)
That answer makes me completely stop. She is more crouched than sat on the ground, on the path border (this sound HORRIBLE to me but I cannot do better. The meaning is that she is sat in a way that can seem to be crouched and she is on the ground AND on the border of a mountain path). The uncomfortable posture, to cause you a stomach-ache, has convinced me to offer my help to her. And apart from that (or anyway? The original is: and then), this is a mountain custom (a custom in mountains?). And apart from that (there's a repetition in the source text too) she draws the attention (in this case the original text does not specificy the attention of who?!), but this is something I noticed when, to answer me, she looks up, showing her face, face that seems to be the one of a bride left alone on the altar. I stop, the rucksack is not heavy because I spent the whole day going from one pick to another without the rope and the climbing tools. I do not approach to her yet, I turn to her and I say again: "Someone who kills you. What about someone who loves you?" (← the original is: "Someone who loves you is the same for you?" But sounded horrible to me...). Someone who replies a funny (or odd?) and sharp way needs a shameless conversation partner (the original is: needs someone who is shameless / another attempt is: a shameless fellow).
"No, someone who kills me. You can find an assassin, but not a man." (the original is: An assassin can be found, but not a man). This woman is addressing to the male sex (in the meaning of gender) and to me that I am the only one in the neighborhood. "I am an assassin. I have with me a good knife, if you want we can withdraw so I can cut your throat" (I don't like the repetition of "can" and I'm not sure about the verb. Maybe I can use Move On? Or Move Away? The meaning is that they have to go to an hidden place so the assassin can kill her).
Her eyes moves from my face to my hands to have a confirmation (the original is more or less: she glances down from ...).
"For free?"
"Yes."
"How kind of you." (the original is: you are generous)
"We are in mountains, there is more solidarity than in plains."
She finallygives a faint smile and then she cries.
I take off my rucksack, I sit down a metre away, I give a deep, equivocal sigh, between compassion and nuisance.
She stops and says thanks.
"For what?"
"For having said nothing, asked nothing."
"Come with me to the mountains and you will get over things." (the original is: and everything bad will cease but I don't know if it is okay)
"Not so fast," she says (this?) meaning I am getting too familiar with her too soon. I pretend to understand the opposite (tne other way round?): "Granted: you will get over things so fast." (← I'd like to mantain the little "wordplay" with "so fast"... is it okay?). She looks me, enraged, therefore I insist: "Tomorrow evening you will be so full of Alps in every inch of your body (The original is: you will be so full of Alps in your bones, from your feet to your hairs, but I don't know if it sounds good) to be able to sleep being at peace with your body and also with your heart." She does not react. I tell her my name. She reacts: "It is an imprudence for an assassin" (← meaning that it is an imprudence for an assassin to say his name!).
"If it is mine, then yes." I do not give her the time to answer (the original is: I do not giv her the time without the verb, but I'm not sure if it is clear without that!) and I conclude: "I am in the mountain chalet of Duran pass, tomorrow at seven o' clock I am going to have a trip on the Moiazza peaks. If you do not find someone in the meanwhile (the original is: before), I will help you.". I stand up, I put my rucksack on my backs and I go on.
Joined on
Mon, Oct 19 2009
New Member
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CyberDuck
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Sun, 25 Oct 09 08:15 PM
Hi there! Quite an interesting story you got there, chum! I corrected it a bit for you, added some things and erasing some others. I'm not sure whether it sounds as it should, because I haven o idea if you tried to translate a story or you made one up. Either way, you should bear in mind that, while narrating, one must use Present Simple. ^.^ Good luck!  "Need help?"
"Someone to kill me"
That answer made me stop completely. She was more crouched than sat on the ground, on the edge of the mountain. The uncomfortable posture, seeming to cause a stomach-ache, made me offer her my help. Not only that, but it's a mountains' custom to help those in need. And apart from that, she was drawing lots of attention, and that was something I noticed when, to answer me, she looked up, showing her face, a face that seemed to be one of a bride left at the altar. I stopped. The rucksack wasn't heavy because I had spent the whole day going from one pick to another without rope or climbing tools. I didn't get close to her yet; I turned to her and I said again: "Someone to kill you. What about someone to love you? Someone who replies in a odd but witty way needs a shameless fellow to talk with."
"No, someone to kill me. You can find an assassin, but not a man." This woman was addressing to every male and so to me, as I am the only one in the neighborhood. "I am an assassin. I'm carrying with me a sharp knife; if you want, we can step aside and try the blade on your neck."
She shot a glance at my face and at my hands, to get a confirmation.
"For free?"
"Yes."
"How generous."
"We are in the mountains, there is far more solidarity than in the plains."
She cast a quick smile and then she started to cry.
I took off my rucksack, I sat about a meter away, I sighed deeply, between compassion and nuisance.
She stopped and thanked.
"For what?"
"For saying nothing and asking nothing."
"Come with me in the mountains and every bad will cease."
"Not so fast," she said, thinking I was too familiar towards her. I pretended to understand the other way round: "Sure thing you will get over things fast." She looked at me, irritated, so I insisted: "Tomorrow evening, you will be so full of the Alps, to the bones! You will be at peace with both your body and your heart." She didn't react. I told her my name. She replied: "It's unwise for an assassin"
"If it's mine, then it's fine" I didn't give her time to answer, as I concluded: "I'm going to be in the mountain chalet of Duran pass, tomorrow at seven o' clock, going on a trip to the Moiazza peaks. If you won't find someone before, I'll help you.". I stood, I put my rucksack and I started going away.
Joined on
Wed, Oct 21 2009
New Member
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Marylain
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Mon, 26 Oct 09 02:39 PM
This is token from a book that I'm trying to translate as homework assignment. Can I use the simple present, then? If you have time can you please be so kind to check the other passage? The deadline is on wednesday... I have not so much time left, unfortunately...
Thank you so much for your efforts. I greatly appreciated your help. 
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CyberDuck
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953798
Mon, 26 Oct 09 06:22 PM
Hi there! You're welcome :) Usually, for stories, Past Simple is used, being the narrative tense. For example, in your fragment, the so-called assassin seems to be describing the events that took place one after the other during the day he met that girl. For such, you have to use Past Simple. You can clearly notice the use of tenses if you read a bit from an English book ;)
Good luck! PS: What other passage?
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Marylain
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Mon, 26 Oct 09 10:53 PM
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