Please check my cover letter! Help me not to loose my golden chance!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

I got to know about this summer school very recently, and the deadline for the application is the 2nd of June, so I don't have a lot of time for writing a good cover letter... And I can't even say I'm experienced in it. I badly need someone's help!!!!   All the opinions are welcome!   Here is my first draft:     Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing to apply for the Summer Course 2007 in English and Diplomatic Discourse in ***.   I graduated in Political Science in July 2004 from the Moscow State University of International Relations. Having completed my Bachelor’s degree programme and doing ["done"? - ie, have you completed your Master's? If not,  then "programme, and I am now doing/following"] a Master’s degree programme in International Relations,  so I am eager for a new experience of study with the Summer Course.   This course is of intense interest to me because I am confident that when I finish my studies I will have the skills, knowledge, and contacts that will enable me to pursue a career in the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affaires. To be successful in my chosen profession, I must know all the ins and outs of diplomatic discourse and be fluent in English. Consequently, this course is the best I can ever find.[Are you saying it is the best you have been able to find, the most apposite  course you have found, or that it is  the one that best fits into your educational plans?  I think you need to be  more specific.)   I have a passion for studying English and am especially interested in further developing my language skills in areas connected with diplomacy and politics. I must say without false modesty that I am possessed of great ability in studying languages. When I laid down the aim to enter the Moscow State University of International Relations, which is one of the top 5 universities in Russia, in less than two years from a zero level [knowledge] of English I came to the level that allowed me to pass a highly competitive exam with a mark sufficient to gain a scholarship for the whole period of studies. In the university I chose English as a first language (we have to choose at least two) which means that I had 10 academic hours of English a week, including both general English and political translation. Last summer I passed the State Exam in English (the last one before the graduation) with the highest mark possible. And I cannot even say it was extremely difficult as studing English is a great pleasure for me.   Finally, what else am I supposed to be equipped with besides the above mentioned? A good luck perhaps.{I am not sure this is a good idea! - Better to reiterate that you will value the chance of an interesting experience, and are ready to answer any questions they may have.}   Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response. Yours faithfully, Irina Eliseeva.

Anonymous

 Hi I'm a native speaker of English, working as ateacher in Poland. I was born in Cambridge and lived there for 32 years. I have since moved to Poland. I just checked your covering letter and it seemed to be ok. I may suggest that there are a few problems with punctuation and also some mistakes with your sentence construction ie: "This course is the best I could ever find " does not make sense, it would be more appropriate to write This course is or was the best that I could find.   I can Help you if you require some more help, but Iam a teacher and I cannot give alot of time.

Adrian 

A bit late, I am afraid. The original post was nearly a year ago