Check my letter of motivation please ~

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Hopec89  #376178  Thu, 07 Jun 07 10:18 AM


I am writing to apply for the international elite graduate program Global Change Ecology (M.Sc.) for studying the winter term at Bayreuth.

I have completed my graduation in Marine Resources from ***. At school, I paid much attention to marine biology and ecology because of my interests in scuba diving and volunteer jobs for beach-cleaning and animal nursing I participated in. I also liked studying and problem solving, so I have maintained good records in academics in school. Besides my academic activities, I took parts in students’ society, and became the president during my junior year in university, which gave me experiences in working selflessly for others and how to organize an organization. Meanwhile, I learned experimental methods through field works in laboratory of Marine Botany and many practical-training courses, and it brought to surface my ability to work hard and with sincerity, persistence, motivation, and resilience.

At this time, people worldwide started to aware of the warm effects on earth. *** is an island with unique landforms with various ecology types, but people here do not especially cared about this issue. News like coral reef bleaching because of the warm water happened more frequently, or the temperature last winter is the highest among past 50 years, are seldom been noticed. I want to do something about this situation. I hope I can help people to aware that the environment is much closer to us than we thought, with my knowledge and passion.

The reason I choose this international elite graduate program is its main target: Global Change. I think the conditions happened all around the world are connected. What happens to a small part may affect the whole. It’s not only you or only me thing, it’s everyone’s responsibility to make the earth better. Not only for ourselves, but for the next generation, and the next, and the next. I am impressed by the idea contained in this program. Most important of all, the courses contain module of human dimension, which I think it’s very important to provide a link between science and realistic application. People care about their environments not because some scientists say so, but the issue is directly involved in their lives. Attending this master program, I will have opportunities to put my idea into practical from internship in Administration or International Organization. It’s a opportunity offering me different points of view and contributing to my flexibility and creativity, besides the cultural and language gains.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. Kindly contact me if you require any further details or documents. I hope to hear from you in the near future.

Yours faithfully.


I am not a native speaker, please give me some advises ~
  
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Anonymous  #376238  Thu, 07 Jun 07 02:43 PM
i dont understand how this paragraph is supposed to help your application

At this time, people worldwide started to aware of the warm effects on earth. *** is an island with unique landforms with various ecology types, but people here do not especially cared about this issue. News like coral reef bleaching because of the warm water happened more frequently, or the temperature last winter is the highest among past 50 years, are seldom been noticed. I want to do something about this situation. I hope I can help people to aware that the environment is much closer to us than we thought, with my knowledge and passion.



First Paragraph: "Why I'm Writing" -- Introduction of self and statement of interest.

Second Paragraph:"How I'm Qualified."Briefly describe your academic and professional qualifications.

Third Paragraph:"Why I'm Right for this Job."

Fourth (or last) Paragraph:"What Steps I'll Take to Make Sure We Talk Further about My Qualifications."

This is just a system of many. But overall i think of letter lacks of structure
  
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