Please someone read this and help..

These are the instructions:

"Make your essay compelling and relevant to your application.  In other words, tell us how your experiences have prepared you to commit to your chosen major at FIT. Feel free to include all activities and accomplishments in which you take pride.  Presentation is also important, so keep your essay to no more than 750 words and check your spelling and grammer."

This is the essay.

            Who would have thought a fifth grade art project would lead to a love of fashion.  Impressed with my mosaic, my teacher suggested I look into fashion design and this started my journey.  It began at eleven with my Christmas subscription to Italian Vogue and I hope it leads to a degree from the Fashion Institute of Technology.  To this end, I have already taken several steps toward this goal.

            During eleventh and twelfth grade of high school I was enrolled in the Orange-Ulster BOCES fashion and interior design program.  I found fashion exhilarated me, so I spent the summer between eleventh and twelfth grade at the FIT Summer Live pre-college program.  The field trip to the garment district was unforgettable, as was the entire experience at FIT. The program confirmed my desire to pursue fashion as a career.  After high school I attended SUNY Cobleskill. After a hard transition to college, I found I enjoyed my business classes.  Cobleskill spurred my interest in the business side of fashion.  I am proud of my hard work and dedication to studies at Cobleskill, which is evidenced by a 3.52 GPA and Dean’s list recognition in the spring semester.

I felt a need to be closer to home and began my second year at Orange County Community College. I took challenging coursework with a concentration of business and math and excelled with a 3.75 GPA . The goal of transferring into FIT was all the impetus I needed to dedicate myself to my studies.    

            Discretionary time is hard to come by.  I work 20 hours per a week at a nursing home while taking 15 course credits.  I found a disciplined and structured schedule a priority for success. I have balanced work, school, and maintained a high GPA throughout my semester at OCCC.  As each day passes I work and study hard and keep my eye on the prize; a diploma from FIT.