COLLEGE MOTIVATION LETTER HELP!

Hi, I am a high school senior and I need help with my motivation letter for a business school in Paris, France. They are asking "a letter of motivation explaining why the American Business School? Why International Business Studies? Why Paris/France?..." (I also need help with an end sentence..)

Thank You Very Much.

Dear Sir or Madam,chemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />>>

I love sailing, catching unstoppable laughter, thunderstorms, Spanish class and the winter.  I have five brothers, one of whom is my twin, and two sisters. I don’t cry often. I save the best for last. My two youngest brothers were adopted and both have Down syndrome. I am honest, friendly, persistent, yet sometimes slightly impatient. I admire my parents tremendously. I blush easily. I want to go to the American Business School Paris. Why? Many, many reasons.
            “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen”, said Frank Lloyd Wright. I came to know that if I had clear goals and worked hard, I could clarify my own vision and direct the path of my life. There are many projects I have for myself in the future, and going to ABS Paris is one of them. Studying international business, learning a third language fluently, and traveling are other goals I have. Now, why Paris?
            I have moved numerous times in my life, including to various parts of France, England and America. I am grateful to have had such a childhood, not only for being able to experience very different cultures but also for helping me in becoming bilingual, a quality I treasure very much. Of all the places I have lived in though, the memories in France are the most incredible. The fresh baguettes and pastries, the small roads, the cafes at every street corner, the late meal times, the language, the summers spent in my family’s beach house in Brittany, and just the overall French lifestyle; I miss it all so much.
            There are many reasons for my desire to pursue an international business major. Just the word “international” appeals to me greatly; I think of traveling, learning new languages, and working with foreign people. Business is something I have wanted to do for a very long time; therefore, it was clear to me that international business was the perfect major. I am confident that ABS Paris is the best school for shaping my future the way I imagine. Not only because France is my native country, and Paris my native city, but also because the American Business School Paris has exactly the program and major I am looking for. 
            “The secret of joy in work is contained in one word- excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it”, said Pearl S. Buck. I am very confident about my decision to pursue an international business major, and I feel I will be able to excel in this field, because it is something that I am extremely interested in studying and that I will enjoy doing. I am determined to become an exceptional candidate for a career in this field by the time I finish my studies. I believe that ABS Paris is the ideal school for me and that I am just the right student for it.

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Sincerely,>>

Note to Clotilde:

You need to further elaborate on your motivation letter. You have formulated good straight-forward ideas however the first paragraph is not helpful. It is best to completely elimimate it. The admissions commitee is not interested to know about your family members.A motivation letter is an advertisement of yourself only. Also, you are not telling them how the business school will benefit in admitting you...what you are going to do with their degree in the future. What are your plans, say 5 years after you get the degree? Also you don't seem to mention if the degree is a Bachelors or Masters. It's very important to be specific at times. So far the only question you have answered well is ''Why Paris,France?''.

Note to Mohan:

Motivation letters are meant to be simple and straight-forward.Simplicity is the key here and displaying advanced knowledge in English is a real turn-off to most admission officers. A little bit of flattery is good but too much of it sounds fake. No offence meant , thanks for your contribution.

Savvy

Hi,

I have made a minor alteration to your 2nd paragraph to make it as the first. Please note, whenever you write American Business School,Paris in your essay, write it fully, don't abbreviate it.Like I mentioned before, you still need to incorporate one more paragraph to mention your future plans and how ABS will help you in achieving it. I find the MLetter is still short.

Bonne chance,

Savvy

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Sir or Madam,

(First paragraph deleted)
             Frank Lloyd Wright once said:“I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen”.I came to know that if I set clear goals and work hard, I could envision my future and direct the path of my life. I have envisaged several tasks for my future and attending American Business School,Paris is one of them. My other goals include studying international business, learning a third language fluently, and traveling.

              Now, why do I want to study in Paris? I have moved numerous times in my life, ( pls delete including) to various parts of France, England and America. I am grateful to have had such an animated childhood where I could experience various cultures,  and become bilingual, an endowment I treasure very much. Of all the places I have lived in though, my memories in France remain the fondest. The fresh baguettes and delicious pastries, the small roads, the overwhelming cafes at every street corner, the late meal times, our language, the summers spent in my family’s beach house in Brittany, and just the overall French lifestyle; I miss it all so much...
            There are many reasons for my desire to pursue an international business major. Just the word “international” appeals to me greatly; I think of traveling, learning new languages, and working with foreign people. Business is something I have wanted to do for a very long time; therefore, it is clear to me that international business is the perfect major. I am confident that ABS Paris is the best school for shaping my future the way I imagine. I have chosen the American Business School,Paris not only because France is my native country, and Paris my native city, but also because your eminent school has exactly the program and major I am looking for. 
            “The secret of joy in work is contained in one word- excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it”, said Pearl S. Buck. I am very confident about my decision to pursue an international business major, and I feel I will be able to excel in this field, because it is something that I am extremely interested in studying and that I will enjoy doing.

(next paragraph) I am determined to become an exceptional candidate for a career in this field by the time I finish my studies. I believe that ABS Paris is the ideal school for me and that I am just the right student for it.

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Yours truly,

Hi Clotilde,

I have heard of ABS school as a very prestigious and competitive school. If that's the case, please be aware that many other applicants like you would have probably set their goals, like 5 years from now, and even if they haven't, they may fake it a bit by picking an example of a prominent businessman or from the internet etc... A prestigious school is always more interested in an applicant who has set long-term goals, they think the applicant is extremely determined and mature in his career. I'm not asking you to fake your future plans, but why not sit down for 10 minutes and imagine yourself getting this Bachelor degree , and then think what next? what will I do after this? If you still have absolutely no idea then just write 2 more lines indicating that you want to do a Masters of some business course in this same school(again the school's website is helpful for this). That will make them think you like them so much that you want to stick around them. Please think over and change the red sentence below.

Bonne chance,

Savvy

________________________________________________________________

In the coming summer of 2006, I will spend five weeks studying at a language school in Barcelona, Spain and stay with a host family. I hope this will help me get a head start on my goal of becoming trilingual, which I feel will help me greatly in my future in business. I am ready to commit myself to my studies for the next several years because…? Although the exact career I want to do is yet to be determined, I know that I would like a career in France, which is why I would like to go back now. (bad sentence, how can I change it?)

I am determined and confident that I make an exceptional candidate for a career in this field by the time I finish my studies. I believe that ABS Paris is the ideal school for me and that I am just the right student for it.

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Yours truly,

Clotilde Yver