Composition, please help me correct, thanks!

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Anonymous  #239063  Thu, 22 Jun 06 05:16 PM

“Form Six Students should make use of the summer break to reinforce their academic learning rather than waste their time on part-time jobs.”

Write an essay in which you EITHER strongly agree OR strongly disagree with this statement.

 

Doing part-time jobs is good for nothing during the A-Level course

Taking part-time jobs during the summer holidays is prevalent in Hong Kong.  A growing number of Form Six students do part-time jobs during the summer break these days.  Some people say that it is good for students to be adapted to the society while others including me strongly disagree with them.  The reasons are as fallows.

First of all, academic learning should be the top priority for students.  As the A-level examination is around the corner, the students should put more effort into doing revision rater than doing summer jobs.   The A-level course has covered a lot of topics which are quite huge amount for students.  If they go to take part-time jobs, they will have not enough time to do revision so they may not catch up with other counterparts in Form Seven.  One of my friends who once took a part-time job during his Form Six summer vacations, then his academic result was decreased dramatically in Form Seven.  When I talk to him, he always feels regret and tells me that doing part-time jobs within summer vacations is a nail in the coffin for students.

 In addition, there are many negative news about doing part-time jobs of the students.  Many students take part-time jobs for the purpose of earning money.  However, as many bosses know that students will only take the jobs for a short period of time, the safety is not their top concerns.  The bosses put emphasis on efficiency rather than the lives of the students.  Thus, many students are under dangerous working environment.  There are news about students lose their fingers during doing part-time jobs in the kitchens of the restaurants.  How dangerous it is!

Furthermore, doing part-time jobs during summer holidays has nothing to do with your future.  It is said that by doing part-time jobs, students can be adapted to society in the future more easily and quickly.  But, how does an experience of a restaurant’s job relate to a career in an office?  As A-level examination is the last mission for students to study at universities, they should take heed of academic learning rather than kill their time wastefully.  As we all know, there will be a lot of working opportunities during studying at universities.  Thus, it is not the best time for students to do part-time jobs.   My sister, who has never taken part-time jobs until entered universities, she tells me that universities will provide a lot of working chances for students.  Therefore, there is not need to do part-time jobs so earlier.

All in all, in order to chase lofty goals, Form Six students should cherish their summer break to reinforce their academic learning rather than waste their time on part-time jobs.

  
julielai  #239209  Fri, 23 Jun 06 06:06 AM

Like many HK students, you use too many words/phrases that don't fit in your essay.  Your basic grammar is fine.

Just the glaring errors:

Doing part-time jobs is _______during the A-Level course

Taking part-time jobs during the summer holidays is prevalent in Hong Kong.  A growing number of Form Six students do part-time jobs during the summer break these days.  Some people say that it is good for students to be adapted to the society while others including me strongly disagree with them.  The reasons are as fallows (sp.).

First of all, academic learning should be the top priority for students.  As the A-level examination is around the corner, the students should put more effort into doing revision rater than doing summer jobs.   The A-level course has covered a lot of topics which are ______ for students.  If they go to take part-time jobs, they will have not enough time to do revision so they may not catch up with other counterparts (simpler words) in Form Seven.  One of my friends who once took a part-time job during his Form Six summer vacations, then his academic result was decreased dramatically in Form Seven.  When I talk to him, he always feels regret and tells me that doing part-time jobs within summer vacations is __________for students.

 In addition, there are many negative news about doing part-time jobs of the students.  Many students take part-time jobs for the purpose of earning money.  However, as many bosses know that students will only take the jobs for a short period of time, the safety is not their top concerns.  The bosses put emphasis on efficiency rather than the lives of the students.  Thus, many students are under dangerous working environment.  There are news about students lose their fingers during doing part-time jobs in the kitchens of the restaurants.  How dangerous it is!

Furthermore, doing part-time jobs during summer holidays has nothing to do with your future.  It is said that by doing part-time jobs, students can be adapted to society in the future more easily and quickly.  But, how does an experience of a restaurant’s job relate to a career in an office?  As A-level examination is the ___ for students to study at universities, they should _____ __ academic learning rather than kill their time wastefully.  As we all know, there will be a lot of working opportunities during studying at universities.  Thus, it is not the best time for students to do part-time jobs.   My sister, who has never taken part-time jobs until ____ entered universities, she tells me that universities will provide a lot of working chances for students.  Therefore, there is ___ need to do part-time jobs so earlier.

All in all, in order to ___ ___ ___ goals, Form Six students should cherish their summer break to reinforce their academic learning rather than waste their time on part-time jobs.

  
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Anonymous  #240901  Wed, 28 Jun 06 04:17 PM
Sorry, I don't know what is wrong with the space provided, could you tell me more?  Thanks!
  
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