Computer scientist cover letter

Hi all,

This is my first post on this forum. I am currently writing my cover letter for a future job in England (i hope so )
I read the recommendations threads and used some samples to write that following draft :






My Name Town, Date
My adress
Me email
My tel


Dear Sir, Madam,

Please accept this letter and the accompanying resume as an application for the system administrator position at COMPANY_NAME in London, which would suit my profile and expectations.

I graduated with a B.A. in Network and System Administration in France, which I obtained with highest honors.
Upon graduation, I follow a three months course in Unix/Linux system administration and Shell programming at Cap Gemini Institute in Paris.

Then, I first worked for ten months as a system administrator at COMPANY_NAME in TOWN where I was in charge of a various network of twenty Unix/Linux/Windows 2000 servers. Furthermore, to make day to day administration tasks easier and faster, I wrote several Korn Shell and VBScript tools.
I then worked for one year as a production support analyst at COMPANY_NAME’s IT Department in TOWN. Over this time, my key function was to design and implement the banking datawarehouse job scheduling under Unix and Oracle using Dollar Universe. I also insured on a daily basis that all batches where correctly driven and I improved existing scripts. Another part of my job was to provide technical assistance to end users and to present them new processes organisation.
To reinforce and intensify my interest in Unix system, I completed a course in AIX5L administration at IBM Training Center in Paris.
Afterwards and until recently, I worked as a AIX and TSM system administrator at COMPANY_NAME, a software editor for French mutual funds companies based near TOWN. I was responsible for up to thirty AIX/Linux development platforms, and four Windows 2000 domain servers. In addition, I managed a tera-bytes IBM ESS storage capacity and maintained the TSM backup environment.

I consider myself creative and reactive, as well as flexible and energetic team player.
Furthermore, with the qualities I’ve developed and strengthened during previous jobs, I can offer my meticulous organizational skills as well as my ability to accomplish my tasks and assignments on or ahead of schedule.

My resume is enclosed for your consideration but obviously, it is not easy to convey my interpersonal skills on paper, therefore I look forward to meeting you to discuss the position in more detail.

Sincerely

MY NAME







I know there are some (many) mistakes and heavy sentences. And writing about IT knowledge is pretty tricky. I find some difficulties to be precise and clearly understood.
Moreover, how and where could I say that I spent 4 months as a trainee in an english hotel?

I hope you will give me previous advises

Thanks by advance

Ok thank you for your answer.
Here is a new version of this letter :



Dear Sir, Madam,

Please accept this letter and the accompanying resume as an application for the system administrator position at COMPANY_NAME in London, which would suit my profile and expectations.

As a BA in network and system administration graduate, which I obtained with highest honors, I've received solid training in many aspects of operating systems management and databases technologies. This intensive program has provided me with hands-on experience through numerous projects.
Upon graduation, I followed several courses to reinforce and intensify my Unix and Linux skills.

Throughout my 4 years background, I’ve worked within different domains, from datawharehouse job scheduling to AIX system administration and tuning.
Furthermore, I wrote several Korn Shell and VBScript tools, to make day to day administration tasks easier and faster.

I consider myself creative and reactive, as well as flexible and energetic team player.
Furthermore, with the qualities I’ve developed and strengthened during previous jobs, I can offer my meticulous organizational skills as well as my ability to accomplish my tasks and assignments on or ahead of schedule.

My resume is enclosed for your consideration but obviously, it is not easy to convey my interpersonal skills on paper, therefore I look forward to meeting you to discuss the position in more detail.

Sincerely

MY_NAME



Is it any better?
Moreover, I still don't know how and where to introduce that my 4 months work experience in UK helped me to better my fluency in English.
Finally, I 'd like to know the correct definition of "hands-on experience" which I used not knowing what it meant exactly.

Regards

Ok thanks a lot for your help !


1st paragraph
'which may suit my profile and your expectations' => Is this any better?

end of the third paragraph :
'Finally, in 1999 I spent 4 months working in Oxford Stage Hotel to better my English fluency.'

=> Is it ok (is "finally" correctly used?)


Thank you very much again,