Forums » ESL Writing » ESL, Formal, General & Business Letter Writing (English language) » Please correct my mistakes in business letter!

Please correct my mistakes in business letter!
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Allavista  #266073  Tue, 12 Sep 06 07:30 PM

Hi!
This is a test letter
I've done the translation but I really need your help

english speakers please look through this text and if you find mistakes let me know..
this is very important for me
Thank you

UEFA Stadium Construction committee
To: Mr. John Ericson   
From: Football club “Shahter” (Donetsk)
The registration number and date: №490, August the 3rd, 2006.
Topic: Invitation to a presentation






Dear Mr. Ericson!


As you already know, that Football Club “Shahter”(Donetsk) is about to build new 5 stars stadium, which meets all official UEFA requirements and has no analogue in Ukraine. Recently the new tender realization process has been completed and we are glad to present to you the General contractor.
 
In connection with the foregoing, we would like to invite one of the UEFA Stadium Construction committee members to the presentation of General project contractor of FC “Shahter”, which will take place in the hotel «Donbass Palace» at 13:00 p.m., June 26, 2006.


FC «Shahter» takes upon itself all the travel expenses including transfer, meals, and accommodation.



Thank you in advance.
Looking forward to your reply.





Sincerely,

Andrey Torunov
The Director of Sales, Marketing and Communications department
FC «Shahter» (Donetsk)
  
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Joined on Tue, Sep 12 2006
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nona the brit  #266244  Wed, 13 Sep 06 07:20 AM
Dear Mr. Ericson! Do not end a salutation with an exclamation mark. In US English use a colon :, in British English use either a comma or nothing.


As you are already aware, Football Club “Shahter”(Donetsk) is about to build a new 5-star stadium, which meets all official UEFA requirements and will have no euqual anyway in the Ukraine. The new tender process has been completed and we are glad to invite you to provide the services of General contractor.
 
Your second paragraph is not clear. Is the company you are writing to making the presentation? How can you invite them to something they are doing themselves? Are you inviting the contractor along to a presentation being organised by the football club? Do you want the contractor to give a presentation at this meeting? At the moment you are mixing up all these ideas and it doesn't make sense.


FC «Shahter» takes upon itself all the travel expenses including transfer, meals, and accommodation.



Thank you in advance.
Looking forward to your reply.
  
Top 10 Contributor
Joined on Wed, Sep 22 2004
England
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Anonymous  #291875  Sat, 11 Nov 06 03:39 PM

UEFA Stadium Construction committee
To: Mr. John Ericson   
From: Football club “Shahter” (Donetsk)
The registration number and date: №490, August the 3rd, 2006.
Topic: An invitation to present at FootBall club "Shater"

We are glad to confirm you (UEFA) as a General contractor for building five star stadium for Football club "Shater". We also invite, one of the members of UEFA constrution committee to give a presentation. The presentation will take place in the hotel «Donbass Palace» at 13:00 p.m., June 26, 2006.

Your reply before *** date will be appreciated, as it will enable Shater to make subsequant planning - travel expenses including transfer, meals, and accommodation.

Sincerely,

Andrey Torunov
The Director of Sales, Marketing and Communications department
FC «Shahter» (Donetsk)
  
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