correction 1

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New2grammar

#513662 Wed, 14 May 08 05:31 PM

While walking aimlessly on the street in Chayenne, an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed by in front of Amy.
She lifted her head and looked around. Just when she thought her imagination was playing tricks on her, she saw an exact replica of the back of the guy she'd been searching for 3 years when he left with an apology note on the beside table which she still hadn't understood the content. She rushed into the clothing store which the man entered a split second ago. Her hand reached for the man who was checking
out a brown leather jacket and at the contact, the man turned and to her disappointment, it was another false positive. She continued wondering out the store onto the street.

Please correct any mistakes.

Thanks!

New2grammar

Joined on Tue, Nov 21 2006

Veteran Member (7,670)

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MrPedantic

#513723 Wed, 14 May 08 09:32 PM

Hello New2G,

Try looking at this sentence first:

"Just when she thought her imagination was playing tricks on her, she saw an exact replica of the back of the guy she'd been searching for 3 years when he left with an apology note on the beside table which she still hadn't understood the content."

Why not split it up into 2 or 3 smaller sentences?

All the best,

MrP

MrPedantic

Joined on Wed, Oct 13 2004

Veteran Member (12,047)

...opella forensis / adducit febris...

New2grammar

#513826 Thu, 15 May 08 04:54 AM

While walking aimlessly on the street in Chayenne, an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed by in front of Amy.
She lifted her head and looked around. Just when she thought her imagination was playing tricks on her, she saw an exact replica of the back of the guy she'd been searching for 3 years. He'd left her with nothing but an apology note on the beside table which she still hadn't understood the content. She rushed into the clothing store which the man entered a split second ago. Her hand reached for the man who was checking
out a brown leather jacket and at the contact, the man turned and to her disappointment, it was another false positive. She continued wondering out the store onto the street.

Mr. P, Is it better now? Any other mistakes?

New2grammar

MrPedantic

#514611 Sat, 17 May 08 12:42 AM

Hello N2G,

It needs a little attention in some other places:

1. an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed by in front of Amy

— you might prefer a more idiomatic expression: try googling on +"flashed in front of *'s"

2. the guy she'd been searching for 3 years

— a word is missing here. (Think about the adverbial phrase again.)

3. an apology note on the bedside table which she still hadn't understood the content

— a word is missing here. Clue: what does "which" relate to, and what is its function?

4. She rushed into the clothing store which the man entered a split second ago.

— Check the tense of "entered"; and can you use "ago" in this context?

5. and to her disappointment, it was another false positive.

— what conjunction might suggest a contrast?

All the best,

MrP

PS: sorry I'm late.

MrPedantic

Expressions, Tenses

khoff

#514652 Sat, 17 May 08 02:31 AM

New2grammar
While walking aimlessly on the street in Chayenne, an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed by in front of Amy.

This sounds as if the image was walking aimlessly on the street. How about something like, "As Amy walked aimlessly on the street in Cheyenne, an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed by in front of her."

Also, if this is Cheyenne, Wyoming, note the correct spelling.

khoff

Joined on Sun, Mar 6 2005

Denver, Colorado, USA, Earth

Senior Member (2,565)

Native speaker of American English (but not a grammar expert)

Correct spelling, Grammar, Spelling

New2grammar

#515514 Mon, 19 May 08 10:33 AM

Thanks, Mr. P. I didn't know you'd replied to my post until now. Actually, I've been waiting. Somehow your post escaped me.

1. Thanks for the suggestion!
an image of her long-lost boyfriend flashed in front of her eyes.
I didn't know this was a common expression. Logically, in front of someone should be sufficient. :(

2. Here's what I understand

I searched for something for a period of time

the object can be moved to the front and the abandoned 'for' can be taken out.

<something> I've been searching <for> for a period of time

3. Which always relates to the noun that precedes it. However, in some cases, it can modifies the noun before the noun that precedes it if the latter noun describes the former noun in my opinion.

The car in my driveway which has a red roof is a ferrari.

Which doesn't modify the driveway in cases like this.

So, I still don't see what's wrong with my sentence :(

4. should I use 'a split second before'?

5. BUT to her disappointment?

Could you please answer my questions above? Or Could you give me some more clues?
I'm still quite confused.
Thanks!

New2grammar

Expressions, Nouns

New2grammar

#515519 Mon, 19 May 08 10:40 AM

Thanks, Khoff for the suggestions. Recently I've learn about dangling phrase and I think that's the problem with my sentence here which you've corrected.

Oh yeah. Cheyenne! The same spelling as a type of herb used in cooking I believe.

Thanks!

New2grammar

Spelling

MrPedantic

#515841 Mon, 19 May 08 10:24 PM

Hello New2,

1. "flashed in front of her eyes" <thumbs up>

2. Unfortunately you still need the second "for": you search for someone, for a period of time. The object of the first "for" is the deleted "that", i.e."a guy [that] she'd been searching for (for three years)".

3. It's the content of the note that she hadn't understood.

4. Yes, 'a split second before' would be fine – I would also change the tense to the past perfect, as the "entering" preceded the "rushing".

5. <thumbs up>

__________

Sorry it was confusing!

All the best,

MrP