Taka  +  190061 Sat, 28 Jan 06 05:51 PM Please correct the sentences below so they sound natural. If natural, then it's fine. I really realized the importance of my family when I became a collage student and started living on my own. I don't usually pay careful attention to the fact that I breathe. Likewise, I had not been aware of the importance of my family, because it had been always there. In that sense, my family was like the air I breathe. And I was quite uncomfortable when I separated myself from such an important thing. Taka Joined on Tue, Sep 7 2004 Japan Senior Member 2,625

	Clive  +  190157 Sat, 28 Jan 06 09:30 PM Hi Taka,  I really realized the importance of my family when I became a college student and started living on my own. I don't usually pay careful attention to the fact that I breathe. Likewise, I ('wasn't' is probably more natural) had not been aware of the importance of my family, because it had always been there. In that sense, my family was like the air I breathe. And I was quite uncomfortable when I separated myself from such an important thing. I looked at this on the assumption that it represents spoken and informal English. If you wrote this yourself, I think you are getting a really good feeling for the language. Best wishes, Clive Clive Joined on Thu, Oct 28 2004 Canada Veteran Member 29,300 El tango argentino es un pensamiento triste que se puede bailar (The tango argentino is a sad thought which can be danced) Enrique Santos Discépolo

	davkett  +  190177 Sat, 28 Jan 06 10:21 PM (Taka, if you don't mind, I offer an additional change-- in the order of the expressed thoughts.) I really realized the importance of my family when I became a college student and started living on my own.  I had never been very aware of  the importance of my family, because it had always been there.  In a sense, my family was like the air I breathe, (I don't usually pay careful attention to the fact that I breathe).  So I was quite uncomfortable when my family and I were separated. davkett Joined on Tue, Jun 7 2005 Pennsylvania, USA Senior Member 2,788 "The rose stays fresh in its name..." -Bernard of Morlay

	The17pointscale  +  190192 Sat, 28 Jan 06 11:41 PM taka, like clive i think that your sentences sound quite natural. however, from an editor's perspective i agree with davkett. while the first passage keeps jumping back and forth between your need for family and air, the second arrangement is more concise and flows a bit easier into the metaphor. also, by removing 'I don't usually pay careful attention to the fact that I breathe' you then allow readers the independence to grasp at the metaphor on their own. but beware -- this second arrangment shifts the focus of the paragraph almost entirely onto your lack of family whereas the first version seems to equally explore your need for family and air. gosh, now i'm rambling...sorry! -andrew The17pointscale Joined on Thu, Jan 26 2006 Seattle Junior Member 84 Metaphors, Paragraphs

	Taka  +  190233 Sun, 29 Jan 06 04:05 AM  Clive wrote: I looked at this on the assumption that it represents spoken and informal English. Your assumption is right. Actually, it's a translation of the sentences originally written in Japanese, and the original is quite colloquial.  Clive wrote: If you wrote this yourself, I think you are getting a really good feeling for the language. Thank you for the compliment, Clive! It makes me feel good! ------ davkett, and The17pointscale, As I said above, it's a translation, and I tried to translate as faithfully as possible. It doesn't seem like the original writer was conscious of coherence, like the topic sentence, body and conclusion. Thank you for the advice, anyway (but I think your advice should go to the original author ). Taka Translation

	davkett  +  190240 Sun, 29 Jan 06 04:56 AM  Taka wrote: As I said above, it's a translation If I had known you were translating, I wouldn't have bothered to comment.  Clive's response was sufficient. davkett Translation