Could you please help me to correct my essay?

Glaring problems highlighted for you.

bmatt

Could you please correct and comments on my writting? this is for IELTS writting task 2. Many thanks!!

Question: Computers do not help children to learn more effectively. On the contrary, their usage has a negative effect on both the physical and metal development of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I partly agree with the point expressed. I would like to ague  that the computer does improve the children‘s learning efficiency in a large scale. The computer can offer learning materials over various media to help children to learn faster, and even more importantly, in a fun way.

However, computer can be a danger to children’s health due to the “unergonomic” design.Without paying too much attention to their body posture, children could develop RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) after long time of using a computer. Also, the light of the monitor (verb?) harmful for eyesight because it is very strong and the screen is blinking in a high frequency. Ones eyesight will decrease if constantly starring at the computer screen.

 Moreover, children can be easily misled by inappropriate game contents of computer.  There are many sexual and violence related computer games in the market. By watching and playing with them, children tend to simulate the characters in the game, and that could led to serious crimes. Another drawback of computer is that it does not help children to develop communication skills. It is not like in reality, there is no face-to-face communications within a cyber world, and children cannot feel others’ touches and emotion changes through computer equipments.

In conclusion, my opinion is that the computer can be an excellent tool to help children on effective learning. Yet the same time, it has many disadvantages. Children should only use computer with accompany of adults in order to avoid the abuse of it.

I've done some correction, well, at least I think they are correction :), based on your comments. hope you can check for me again, if you have time.

 thanks a lot

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I partly agree with the point expressed. I would like to argue  that the computer does improve the children‘s learning efficiency in various ways. The computer can offer learning materials over various media to help children to learn faster, and even more importantly, in a fun way.

However, computer can be a danger to children’s health due to the “unergonomic” design. Without paying too much attention to their body posture, children could develop RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) after use the computer for a long time. Also, the light of the monitor (verb->yes) is harmful for eyesight because it is very strong and the screen is blinking in a high frequency. Children’s eyesight will be decreased if they constantly starring at the computer screen.

 Moreover, children can be easily misled by inappropriate contents of computer game.  There are many Nowadays, every one out of five computer games involve sexual and violence contents on the market. By watching and playing with them, children tend to learn from the characters in the game, and that could lead to serious crime. Another drawback is that it does not help children to develop communication skills. Today’s technology is not sufficient enough to provide communication methods in cyber world as rich as in the real one. For example, The sense of touching, one of the important factors for human communication, is as yet the impossible to be communicated over computer equipment.

In conclusion, the computer can be an excellent tool which affords effective learning to children. Yet it has many disadvantages. Children should only use computer with under the supervision  of parents of adults in order to avoid to abuse it.