Could u please help me in correcting my motivation letter?:'(

Hoonkaew, Chalita
248/90 Charansanitwong Rd
Bangkoknoi Bkk 10700 Thailand

24th November 2004

Dear NEO of France,

[You need to rewrite your objective. Be careful of the platitudes. Just tell us in simple language what you want to do. You want a clinical internship at X hospital for how long, starting when?]

As personal goal to devote my life to find new ideas and methods in order to advance mankind’s health in Thailand, experience as a clinical clerkship in a famous hospital in high technology country like in Paris, France is very important for me. Beside many reasons about a chance to give the great contribution to the society, my principal incentive is the eagerness to cure the patient both of their bodies and hearts

[What are you doing now? You are a medical student in Thailand? First year student? I need to understand your background so that I can better understand the rest of your letter.]

I tremendously enjoyed my experience in this first clinical year, especially in department of ambulatory medicine and also anesthetic medical department, because in the first department, I had the opportunity to take care of many patients as a first doctor and I had gain many experience from the surgeon in an operative room from another one. These opportunities strengthened my skills in applying my knowledge from the preclinical year to make a proper diagnosis and management for individual patient. I find this work challenging, interesting, and invigorating and I am determined to become better skilled so that I can lead a group of researchers in the future. I am motivated and curious person who can easily adapt to any situation. My friends know me to be a very effective and helpful team player. I enjoy learning from others and helping others where I can. I am excited by the opportunity to join a group of professional where I can apply my skills, talents, and enthusiasm.
[You need to restructure your above paragraph. You start by discussing your clinical experience, but then you start talking about personal traits—curious person, motivated, team player etc. If you start with clinical experience, your paragraph should be clinical experience. You can have another paragraph discussing your personal traits.]


I do like to find some new experience of being an exchange student. I think that going on exchange under SCOPE program [what’s that?] will fit my desire most. Although I haven’t [avoid contractions in semi- or formal writing] had any experience in the department of surgery now, anyway I will finish it in this upcoming January[.] I’m [watch the contractions] very interested in plastic surgery because I had ever once discussed with the professor of this field about the motivation making him became a plastic surgeon.[awkward previous sentence] He answered me indirectly but his answer implied me about using creativity of art to improve not only wounds or scars on the patient’s body but also the patient’s heart. I had imagined much about how the plastic surgeon did that. Not too long from that time, I read the magazine in the column of beauty and found that many of Thai women went to see the plastic surgeon to make better looking. Most of them had more self-confidence, better in job and sexual relationship. After searching for more information about this field, I found that there were many hospitals in the developed countries but just one of them that I was interested in, that is a hospital in Paris. It’s a great opportunity for me to have an experience in a hospital of my dream. Not only the department that attracted me but also the country, the people and the culture. It is hard to find a good opportunity like this.

I'm also like doing many activities, as now I’m taking part in IFMSA[what’s this?]-Thailand as a Local Committee Coordinator and Local Officer on Refugee and Peace. I took part in many projects of this association, for example, the donation camp for disable child. In the future we have planned to do the co-project with the IFMSA of Japan and Indonesia to help some refugees in Indonesia by giving them some food and clothes. I wish I would have much more idea to improve medical studying in Thailand and unforgettable good memories from your hospital. If possible, I’d like to join Orthopedics as well because I’m interested in this field too. The last thing, I am pleased to take care of any incoming students from your country as well. You are always welcome.

Yours sincerely,



Chalita Hoonkaew



Chalita,

For a person who has learned English as a second language, you have a strong grasp of English. You are able to write sentences very well.

One small comment. Please put a period at the end of your last sentence in a paragraph, and please leave a space between the paragraphs.

However, your organization of your thoughts needs a fair amount of work. This is not an English problem, per se, but rather an organizational problem. You need to have a better structured letter. You need to think about what you are writing more carefully.

I think you have the skills and talents to write your letter. So let’s try this: Revise your letter with some of the comments that I have given you. I will look at your revised letter. We might need to go through this process of looking and revising a few times. But I am confident that if you are willing to work hard you will have a strong letter once we are done.

Hope this helps.

MountainHiker

you have written a lovely letter. Doesn't need any correction. It clearly shows your motivation.