Is there any one could help me to review my motivation letter?

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I.

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor degree in 2003 from the university of Science and Technology. My study focuses on Control Theory, Distributed and Process Control. Meanwhile, I also had experience in SCM Programming and Communication.[1] After Graduation, I worked in LG Electronics at their [m]onitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea sub[-]factories for new products development planning and production process quality control. Through my study and work, I [became passionate to learn more about] analyzing and design automatic control process.

Automation is [fascinating] and useful to research because [it] create modern manufacture systems with less labor[] but higher efficiency. Along with the development of global industry, automation and electronics are becoming [vitally] important. I [am] interested in studying advanced automatic control system and related electronics engineering knowledge.[2] Particularly, when I met related problems [at] work, I recognize it necessary to further increasing my knowledge and developing my skills in these research.[3]

France is one of the oldest industrial countries with long manufacture history, which leads it to a deep academic research and long-term application in manufacture.[4] French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices. Meanwhile, the beautiful French and the multi-national environment in France are attracting me strongly from a very young age.

Also, my graduation project supervise professor encouraged me to acquire a master level degree in automation or electronic engineering area. I believe the decision to study in France through N+I Program is valuable and suitable for myself. Because the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help me to melt in French life and study smoothly. After graduation, I have confidence that I will have the knowledge and skills to fulfill myself as an professional engineer as I envision.[5]

I would appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered seriously before sending this application. I understand that admission into your school is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!!

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
faux_air@hotmail.com[7]
--------------------


faux air,

I like that this new essay is more focused. You seem to have each paragraph focused on an individual topic. That is good.

But some of your sentence structure/grammar needs work. And some of your stuff doesn't flow very well. Let's look at a few notes.

1) This sentence about experience seems somewhat abrupt. You had more experience where? In school, on the job? Where exactly.

Also, in this paragraph I am trying to show that you have some passion and enthusiasm for this new topic.

2) This sentence seems to repeat what you said in your opening paragraphs. I am not sure why you are restating that again. If I were you, I would discuss more about the benefits of automation and electronics and where you see that field developing in the future. We already know you are "passionate" about learning more about it.

3) Similar comments to ( 2 ). In addition, this sentence is awkward sounding. It needs work.


4) Not a very good opening sentence. It sounds like France is a dead place. Rather than focusing on its being an old industrial country, why not focus on its new found technologies and promise for the future?

Which sounds better:

#1
China possesses a civilization that goes back thousands of years. It has a great history and tradition with a deep understanding of philosophy.

#2
China is a rapidly growing power within the world community. It has recently burst on the world economic stage with new high technologies and mass produced products. With its new found wealth and opportunities, the future is bright for China.

Which sounds better?


5) This paragraph is okay, but needs to be tightened up. It is too wordy. I find its placement in your essay somewhat odd because you discuss school at the very front of your letter. Then you talk about work and technology. And now you return back to school stuff (my professor blah blah). In my simple mind, I like an chronological order or everything grouped by their subjects.


6) Yeah, your last couple paragraphs need work. I would forget the "I would appreciate" stuff and just be more direct. You sound as if you lack confidence. That is not the image you want to project. Also, never, ever in a business letter use "!!". The best wishes and have a nice day should also be eliminated. You are not looking to make friends. You are looking to project a professional image that you have proper qualifications along with the mental toughness to thrive in their program.


7) I would not put your e-mail address below your signature. If you are sending your application electronically, then put your e-mail address where you have your snail mail address.

I hope this helps.

MountainHiker

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I.

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor's degree in 2003 from the University of Science and Technology. My studies focused on control theory, distributed and process control. In a graduate project I also gained experience with SCM programming and communication. After graduation I worked for LG Electronics at their monitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea sub-factories for new product development planning and production process quality control. I enjoy my work and have been recognized as a high potential individual and have been sent for advanced training and development.[1] Through my education and work, I became passionate to learn more about analyzing and designing automatic control process.

Automation is fascinating and useful to research because it creates modern manufacture systems with less labor but higher efficiencies. It can achieve a speed and accuracy that is very helpful for mass production. Moreover, automatic controlled industrial robots, instead of people, are used to work in dangerous environments. With the continued development of global high technology industries, automation will continue to play an increasingly important role.

France is a rapidly continual growing industrial country. Its high technology in aeronautics and engineering keep benefiting the whole world, which are highly valuable to study. Meanwhile French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through variously practices. The beautiful French and the multi-national environment in France are also attracting me strongly from a very young age. [2]

I am looking forward to studying at the N+1 program in France because I will gain valuable engineering knowledge and be exposed to the beautiful French language and culture. After graduation, I am confident that I will become a professional engineer and continue to to make significant contributions to my company's success.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I’m looking forward to your positive response

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
(Address)


Hi,

I made extensive changes throughout. You have to watch your capitalizations of words.



1) I wanted to bring your hpi recognition back into your letter. It is an important achievement.

2) This paragraph is troublesome. I don't know how to fix it. I think you want to talk about France's achievements. You DON'T want to talk about language and culture here. We do that in the next paragraph.


France is known as a innovator of high technologies. It has pioneered many advancements in aeronautics and engineering. [yech!] Meanwhile French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will .

I don't know much about France. But I encourage you to outline some of its achievemnts. See what you can do.

It is just one paragraph you need to fix.

You are almost there.

MountainHiker

Ms. Cheng Ying
*****Apartment,
No. **, ********* Road,
city name. post code,China, PRC
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering Degree (Diplome d'Ingenieur) [at University X. Just name the place].

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor degree in 2003 from Nanjing University of Science and Technology. My studies focused on control theory, [AND] distributed and process control. In a graduate project I also gained experience with SCM programming and communication. After graduation I worked for LG Electronics at their monitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea sub-factories for new product development planning and production process quality control. I enjoy my work and have been recognized as a high potential individual and have been sent for advanced training and development. Through my education and work, I became passionate to learn more about analyzing and design[ing] automatic control process.

Automation is fascinating and useful to research because it creates modern manufacture systems with less labor but higher efficiencies. It can achieve a speed and accuracy helpful for mass production. Moreover, automatic controlled industrial robots, instead of people, [can be used] to work in dangerous environments. With the continued development of global high technology industries, automation [technologies?] will continue to play an increasingly important role.

France is known as an innovator of high technologies. It has pioneered [many] advancement in aeronautics and engineering. [Because of France's reputation as an innovative country and culture, its engineering graduates are well respected internationally. With a solid engineering background, French trained engineers are free to chart their own course.]

I am looking forward to studying at the ngineering program in France because I will gain valuable engineering knowledge and be exposed to the beautiful French language and culture. After graduation, I am confident that I will become a professional engineer and continue to make significant contributions towards my company's success.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I am looking forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying

Notes:

"esteemed institutions" and such are poor choices of words. Those words ring hollow to western ears. It sounds false or pretentious.

"Meanwhile French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices."

That sentence is awkward. I am not sure what I have written is a much better. But it is at least somewhat better.

"Because of France's reputation as an innovative country and culture, its engineering graduates are well respected internationally. With a solid engineering background, French trained engineers are free to chart their own course (or destination)."

See if this works for you. You might wish to delete the second sentence.

It's a tough paragraph, isn't it?

I think you are done.

MountainHiker

France has pioneered many advancements in aeronautics and engineering. It created the famous National Space Research Center and started the development of computer and communication Industry in 1965. Its last great achievements were the fast train, the TGV, and Airbus in 1970’s.[1] Meanwhile French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices.


"Meanwhile French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices."

That sentence is awkward. I am not sure what I have written is a much better. But it is at least somewhat better.

"Because of France's reputation as an innovative country and culture, its engineering graduates are well respected internationally. With a solid engineering background, French trained engineers are free to chart their own course (or destination)."


That sentence is problematic. It sounds as though France hasn't done anything since the 1970s? What about the Eurotunnel?


Also, I think computers were present on the planet before 1965. Also, I don't know what a TGV is.


Here's something I came up with quickly. I am not entirely happy with it. But you can look it over. You need to make sure you agree with what has been written. Also, I have no idea if there are French drug companies etc. You need to check.

France has pioneered many advancements in science and engineering. It created the famous National Space Research Center and participated in development of computer and communication industries. Science and engineering continue to flourish in France today. France's scientists and engineering are working in exciting projects and industries such as the International Space Station, development of pharmaceuticals, next advanced Airbus design, and advanced computer and communication technologies to name a few. Because of France's reputation as an innovative country and culture, its engineering graduates are well respected internationally. With a solid engineering background, French trained engineers are free to chart their own course (or destination)