Cover letter: could you pls check it?

I have read some posts relevant to motivation letters in this forum and tried to follow the instructions.
However, I also need your help to assess and check my cover letter.
Please feel free to give me your suggestions and instructions.

I greatly appreciate your help.
Regards,
Ohyeah.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for [course].

I graduated in Mechatronics from [name] University of Technology, the most renowned university in South of [country], on July 2006. I am proud to be one of the students of [program name], the program supported by [national] government which aims to train the top excellent students in [country]. My aim is to work in an international environment related to technology, management and business. My goal is to open a business relevant to Mechatronics in 5 years.

I greatly love science and technology. My childhood hero was Edison and I was always dreaming of becoming a great person like him. That dream encouraged me to study harder and helped me to make some significant breakthroughs. My most memorial critical attempt was that I was the only pupil in my junior high school entering [high school], the most famous senior high school in South of *** [country]. During my time at [high school], I’ve had a great passion for scientific reference books and performing my own experiments, e.g. producing Cl₂, making a telescope, rather than reading conventional textbooks. The passion led to a surprising result that I was chosen to be a [program] student.

Electronics dramatically impressed me and I felt it was so mighty when I, as a child, saw an electronic circuit at the first time. Loving physics and electronics drove me to decide to major in Mechatronics. I have studied Mechatronics by my full enthusiasm: spending overnight programming microcontrollers to measure signal frequency, or to control communication between a microcontroller and a computer, and concentrating on mechanical software.

While studying and working in groups at the university, I not only observed other talent students’ competence and methods, e.g. how to focus on goals, how to make some provision and plans, but also realized that [national] students were lacking in management and teamwork skills which degraded the overall performance. That really stirred in me and changed my mind: besides technology aspiration, I strongly saw the need for management.

Thanks to provision skill I learned from my friends’ success, I had a good preparation for my thesis: I got a high level in using CAD (Pro Engineer, AutoCAD) and CAE (MSC Visual Nastran) software, equipped myself with an important engineering program (MATLAB), and an advanced English communicating ability. Prof [professor name], the Director of [laboratory] at [a French University], graded my thesis [score] which was the highest score in [program] Mechatronics class.

Right after graduating, I had some proposed positions but I opted for Data Analyst because I believed that job would provide me with a significant skill: how to analyze issues professionally. I am now working for [company A], a French outsourcing company for [company B]. The company and the position actually satisfy my expectation. I tremendously enjoy working here because we have not only an excellent environment but a professional working style as well. I learn how to analyze data and find solutions to problems, how to treat clients, how different between [national] and French business is and how to make a cordial working atmosphere.

I began to be interested in business when my father opened a small company. Observing his business difficulties and solutions fascinated me a lot and it showed me how wonderful the business field was. I was also attracted by marketing since I read “Brand failures” by Matt Haig, one of my favorite books.

I’m eager for helping my family company with technique and data management as a practical ways of gaining experience. I maintained some welding machines (I replaced the timer with my own customized electronic circuit) and I was in charge of product development (I designed a new [product] by using CAD software). While going on my current job, I apply the experience to my family business by programming an application that can manage customer and trade database.           

After reading the course description, I admit that the [course] wonderfully suits my desire. If I have an opportunity to study at [university], I will devote my aspiration and strength to contribute to the success of the program.

I highly appreciate your taking time to consider my letter and I am awaiting your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

[Family name] [middle name], [first name].

Hi Ohyeah, and welcome to the forums.

Here are some comments:

• As IMTB says, your letter is VERY long for this purpose.
• I think that your description of how famous your schools is a little boastful.
• I'm not sure "Mechatronics" is. Mechancis? Mechanical engineering?
• While it's a GOOD thing to hide personal details on here, you went a little overboard. Is it really essential to hide your country? Too many masked details make it hard for us to read.
• Don't use e.g., in a letter.
• Don't denigrate your classmates. You can see opportunities for improvement without putting them down.
• Pink highlights are corrections. Blue shows I wasn't sure what you mean.
• I'm American. My comments may not apply. What country is the program you are applying to in? It may help the person who does a critique of the letter to knwo this.

I graduated in Mechatronics from [name] University of Technology, the most renowned university in South of [country], in July 2006. I am proud to be one of the students of [program name], the program supported by [national] government which aims to train the top excellent students in [country]. My aim is to work in an international environment? related to technology, management and business. My goal is to open a business relevant to Mechatronics in 5 years. What's the differene between your aim and your goal?

I greatly love science and technology. My childhood hero was Thomas Edison and I always dreamed of becoming a great person like him. That dream encouraged me to study harder and helped me to make some significant breakthroughs. My most memorable critical attempt was being the only pupil from my junior high school to be selected for entry into [high school], the most famous senior high school in South of *** [country].

While in high school, rather than reading conventional textbooks, I developed a passion for scientific reference books and performing my own experiments, including producing Cl₂ and making a telescope. I was pleased and surprised when I was chosen to be a [program] student.

Electronics has always deeply interested me and I felt it was so mighty when, as a child, I saw an electronic circuit at the first time. Loving physics and electronics drove me to decide to major in Mechatronics. I have studied Mechatronics with my full enthusiasm: (Not a common expression, but okay.) I have even spent entire nights programming microcontrollers to measure signal frequency or to control communication between a microcontroller and a computer, and concentrating on mechanical software.

While studying and working in groups at the university, I not only observed other talent students’ competence and methods, e.g. how to focus on goals, how to make some provision and plans, but also realized that [national] students were lacking in management and teamwork skills which degraded the overall performance. That really stirred in me and changed my mind: besides technology aspiration, I strongly saw the need for management.

Thanks to provision skill I learned from my friends’ success, I had a good preparation for my thesis: I got a high level (do you mean grade or mark?)  in using CAD (Pro Engineer, AutoCAD) and CAE (MSC Visual Nastran) software, equipped myself with an important engineering program (MATLAB), and an advanced English communicating ability. Professor [professor name], the Director of [laboratory] at [a French University], graded my thesis [score] which was the highest score in [program] Mechatronics class.

I've stopped reading. Perhaps you'd like to create a shorter version? Or perhaps someone will take over from here.

Right after graduating, I had some proposed positions but I opted for Data Analyst because I believed that job would provide me with a significant skill: how to analyze issues professionally. I am now working for [company A], a French outsourcing company for [company B]. The company and the position actually satisfy my expectation. I tremendously enjoy working here because we have not only an excellent environment but a professional working style as well. I learn how to analyze data and find solutions to problems, how to treat clients, how different between [national] and French business is and how to make a cordial working atmosphere.

I began to be interested in business when my father opened a small company. Observing his business difficulties and solutions fascinated me a lot and it showed me how wonderful the business field was. I was also attracted by marketing since I read “Brand failures” by Matt Haig, one of my favorite books.

I’m eager for helping my family company with technique and data management as a practical ways of gaining experience. I maintained some welding machines (I replaced the timer with my own customized electronic circuit) and I was in charge of product development (I designed a new [product] by using CAD software). While going on my current job, I apply the experience to my family business by programming an application that can manage customer and trade database.           

After reading the course description, I admit that the [course] wonderfully suits my desire. If I have an opportunity to study at [university], I will devote my aspiration and strength to contribute to the success of the program.

I highly appreciate your taking time to consider my letter and I am awaiting your positive reply.

Hello, is there any one check my letter?
I'm awaiting your feedback.
Thanks in advance.