My cover letter... is this ok for sending?

Hi, I am appliny for a new job. I wonder if anyone has any comment or tips on how my cover lets comes across?

Dear who ever it may concern,

Your need for an innovative and creative marcomms executive is an excellent match to my advertising experience, education and personality. Please find attached my CV.

After graduating from university last year, I have since been working as a marketing coordinator for Peartree Rental; A specialist digital sales and rental service, providing photographers with the latest cutting-edge solutions, education, expert consultancy and acute after sales care.

My current position gives me great satisfaction, however the opportunity to work for a company that shares my passion for music is too good not to apply for.

My love for music and its industry coupled with strong marketing experience and education will surely benefit both your company and my career aspirations. I am very in touch with the dance music scene, the artists and culture. A fact that will clearly let me promote Galaxy’s festival presence, brand partnerships, promotions and your Ibiza activity in the finest possible way.

Other attributes that you will find of great benefit is my understanding of new technology and how I identify market potential; combining entrepreneurial spirit with imaginative yet economical theories that I enjoy putting to practise.

I am a confident and performance-driven individual who is always willing to learn and develop new skills while thriving on responsibility. I thoroughly enjoy being part of a team and working towards a goal as a group effort.

My determination to succeed is reflected through financing my own way through university, achieving a high 2:1 grade and living and working in a different city for a summer of work experience to help broaden my cultural awareness. My current position began with relatively low pay as the company gave me a chance to prove my worth by giving me freedom to use my initiative and creative skills. I have accomplished a great deal since last September, including solely taking on a project to plan, brief, organise, and copy write Peartree Rental’s new website from scratch. A website that has gained great acclaim within the industry. www.peartreerental.com

In the short space of time since I graduated over one year ago, my marketing skills have developed immensely. I would be happy to show you the type of work I have done for Peartree Rental and I would like to think I have played a large part in the company’s growing success over the past year.

I will follow up with you in a few days to answer any preliminary questions you may have. In the meantime, you may reach me on 07707066405.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your time and consideration.




Thank you.

Nona The Brit wrote:

This is going to sound a little unkind but as writing skills are such a vital part of marketing and marcomms, I think that we should let the company see your own work without too much of our interference or assistance. I will say that 'Dear Sir/Madam' is a better salutation, assuming that you do not know the name of the person you are writing to. 'To whom it may concern' (never Dear with this salutation) is only used when you have no idea who will be reading the message - you do know that this will be read by their HR department, or marketing department, or someone connected with the recruitment. It's too vague and could come across as quite rude.

I feel the same sentiments with Nona’s as I read it. The tone came across as conceited and know-it-all,  aside from the awkward  use of phrasing and rough sentence structure.  It’s rather long-winded which makes editing or revising it time consuming.  If this is not urgent, I will try to see what I can come up with later.  It needs some rewording and cleaning up. I wouldn’t send it out as a job application related correspondence as is .