English Newbie: My Girl

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paddy

#67192 Wed, 12 Jan 05 06:10 AM

Hi All,

English is not my first language and I am still learning it. Here is my first poetry, I wrote with the little english I know. Please ignore grammatical errors and please do comment

Thanks,
Pradeep

*****-----*****
Angels were artists
Trees were brushes
Flowers were colors
Sky was canvas
My Girl?.
A perfect woman
Crafted nobly by the nature

Her Body
Like?
An Idol of Aphrodite
Made by the almighty
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her Skin
Like?
Velvety fabrics
With a moonbeam touch
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her hairs
Like?
Dark black clouds
Floating in the sky
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her lips
Like?
Red rose petals
Jelling together
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her Clothes
Like?
A creeper takes hold
On a stem
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her laughter
Like?
Hundreds of songbirds
Singing together
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Her Walk
Like?
A female serpent moving slowly
In the sand
My Girl?.
A perfect woman

Angels were artists
Trees were brushes
Flowers were colors
Sky was canvas
My Girl?.
A perfect woman
Crafted nobly by the nature

*****-----*****

paddy

Joined on Tue, Mar 16 2004

New Member (34)

hermitlady

#67243 Wed, 12 Jan 05 12:03 PM

english is not my native language too. and i understand your poem little. in my opinion , it is very good.
i think i should study from you.

hermitlady

Joined on Sat, Jan 8 2005

New Member (10)

anita_a

#67300 Wed, 12 Jan 05 07:52 PM

As a first poem in English ,it is very good. Keep writing more.

anita_a

Joined on Tue, Jul 27 2004

Sunny California

Regular Member (822)

Cheers,Anita

HePo

#67465 Thu, 13 Jan 05 06:33 PM

Poetry is the easiest of the literary skills to write - and by far the most difficult to master.

If you have a desire to improve your English, reading and analysing poetry is the way to go. You'll be amazed how quickly your English improves.

As to your poem. In my opinion a lot more work is needed here. The Imagination and imagery is fine but in such abundance as to wear the reader down. Reduce the versus.

HePo

HePo

Joined on Thu, Jan 6 2005

UK, England, Leicestershire.

New Member (14)