My English Writing, need help Please

Can you guyss tell me what can I improve on, and how to make it longer. It will be great to have some other comments too. Thank you very much

Teacher's Criteriaescriptive Writing

- Figurative Language: such as simile, metaphor, alliteration, allusion

-Sensory qualities: Sight,sound,taste,touch,smell

-Varied Sentence structure: simple, complex, compound complex

-Evidence of other techniques- Punctuation for effect, specific verbs and nouns, effective adjectives, use of dialouge

- Effective Openings and Endings

- Clear personal voice

My Storage Room

       Parents said that today was the day that the storage room needs to be cleared out, they asked me if I still want to keep anything. I choose to check if I still want anything up there. I pushed the door open, and I walked on the old stairs toward the ceiling. I decided not to open the lights. I heard something is whispering, also moving. I wonder what it is. The room is enveloped with a black cape, looks like the night skies with no stars.

I kept walking, deeper. The room smells like aging wood, close to the smell of undried paint on the wall. I liked the smell, somewhat fresh. I breathed, the air inhales and cycles through my brain. This place is also dusty; when you breathe sometime you will suck in a pile of dust, and you need to cough it out. The room doesn’t contain a lot of oxygen, sometime it really makes you hard to breathe.

Close your eyes and listen carefully, you might hear the petite insects buzzing and humming in the dark. You will feel that you are in a different world, rather in a place that’s dark and scary.

Cold air blowing across my legs when all the windows were shut.. I saw many things that I used before, from most of the objects I touched, the memories emerged to my mind. There were a lot of antiques and old papers which I put in a box which is ready to be thrown away. The teddy bears, I use to cuddle them when I was small. There are clothing’s that doesn’t fit me right now. The drawing and painting that I have made in the past. There are too many things to explain.   

       I walked out from the storage room, and I told me mom not to throw anything away from that room, because there are too many memories and things I liked in there.  This room might be scary, old, and wormed but its full of important memories from the past.

Anonymous wrote:

Can you guyss tell me what can I improve on, and how to make it longer. It will be great to have some other comments too. Thank you very much   Teacher's Criteriaescriptive Writing - Figurative Language: such as simile, metaphor, alliteration, allusion -Sensory qualities: Sight,sound,taste,touch,smell -Varied Sentence structure: simple, complex, compound complex -Evidence of other techniques- Punctuation for effect, specific verbs and nouns, effective adjectives, use of dialouge - Effective Openings and Endings - Clear personal voice   My Storage Room        Parents said that today was the day that the storage room needs to be cleared out, they asked me if I still want to keep anything. I choose to check if I still want anything up there. I pushed the door open, and I walked on the old stairs toward the ceiling. I decided not to open the lights. I heard something is whispering, also moving. I wonder what it is. The room is enveloped with a black cape, looks like the night skies with no stars. (tense consistency) I kept walking, deeper. The room smells like aging wood, close to the smell of undried paint on the wall (contradictory). I liked the smell, somewhat fresh (you mentioned aging wood). I breathed, the air inhales and cycles (how does the air cycle through your brain?) through my brain. This place is also dusty; when you (sudden shift in point of view) breathe sometime you will suck in a pile of dust, and you need to cough it out. The room doesn’t contain a lot of oxygen (But you mention cold air blowing), sometime it really makes you hard to breathe. Close your eyes and listen carefully, you might hear the petite insects buzzing and humming in the dark. You will feel that you are in a different world, rather in a place that’s dark and scary. Cold air (how do you have cold air blowing in a dusty closet with little oxygen?) blowing across my legs when all the windows were shut (how do you get windows in a storage room?). I saw many things that I used before, from most of the objects I touched, the memories emerged to my mind. (Be specific. What things?) There were a lot of antiques and old papers which I put in a box which is ready to be thrown away. The teddy bears, I use to cuddle them when I was small. There are clothing’s that doesn’t fit me right now. The drawing and painting that I have made in the past. There are too many things to explain.           I walked out from the storage room, and I told me mom not to throw anything away from that room, because there are too many memories and things I liked in there.  This room might be scary, old, and wormed but its full of important memories from the past.