THE COMEDY OF REAL LIFE: (NB. All this info. is copyrighted to ME. Copies can only be for personal use; selling, republishing, lending or displaying in form must be subject to the originator's instruction - sorry to be so harsh, but!)
“Death doesn’t really get a choice where I’m involved. He just goes, ‘Er… but… I wasn’t ready to… Oh.’”
“You got in ahead.”
“At least I have a head. Nya!”
“I made them stare.”
“You make everyone stare.”
“I am a stair.”
“In that case, you won’t mind me standing on you.”
“Get what you’ve already done on your coursework, and I’ll look at it and give you advisory comments like ‘You could put a graph in,’ or ‘You could do the experiments’, or ‘You could START.’”
“Gorwl,” said his grandmother, “Would you like some apple?”
“Had you not calculated,” asked Gorwl, “that the present absence of any apple was due to me?”
His grandmother just looked confused, so he dropped the subject and consumed five oranges to pacify her.
Gorwl’s father dragged him up, whilst his mother asked plaintively if he might perhaps be drunk? Gorwl didn’t know how she could suppose he was drunk on half an inch of red wine, when the previous day, in her presence, her had consumed two and a half glasses of Chardonnay and not felt a single effect.
Perhaps he always looked drunk? That was a worrying possibility.
What Gorwl really wanted to do, and what he would have done was he dining with the Pigs, was to dip his carrot into the Chardonnay and eat them thus. However, he knew his dad would bristle, his grandparents would be shocked, and his mother would cover her face and cringe. Then he would be ‘removed’ and shouted at.
It may have escaped your attention that we have a loose schedule this term after Pig Weekend. Therefore I would like to inform you all that we are going to do a sponsored sky-dive ASAP and to get collecting sponsors immediately.
Personally, I am going to collect sponsors for a sum per metre I fall before letting out my parachute. You may wish to do the same or not, necessarily.
I have all the equipment necessary for this launch, but you need to make sure we raise a good amount, as we also have to pay for the helicopter hire.
If anyone sees N-R at all, tell him I want his blood.
Yours as ever,
Ronney Dulmorris, Pig1
Jinx said, “I have an idea.”
Gorwl asked, “This doesn’t include running around in white nighties, does it?”
“No,” said Jinx. “Why should it?”
“Just a thought.”
Gorwl was embarrassed because everybody pointed him out and stared at the ‘boy who had tried to kill himself’. It was embarrassing (hence the embarrassment). He felt, now, ashamed of what he had tried to do.
Several girls came up to him to ask if he was Ok. It was very annoying of them, but he relished the attention. Perhaps he ought to try to kill himself more often?
“Ooh, I’m brilliant with the microwave.”
“Where has my magnesium gone? My magnesium has disappeared! Someone’s stolen my magnesium from the hydrochloric acid!”
Gorwl ran down the stairs, sang out, “I am a fish!” in operatic tones, then darted up the stairs again.
Gorwl mother and father stood there looked bemused. “I think he’s happy…” said Gorwl mother.
“You’re better looking than Ronney Dulmorris,” she said scathingly.
“What?” Gorwl might have reacted slightly better to the situation, had be not been drinking. At this remark, all the drink in his mouth exploded, and a lot of it via his nose. Chaz was sprayed.
“Not when you do that.”
Some of this stuff would look slightly better if it let me use the italics feature!
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