Grammar and English Check of the paragraph....

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Anonymous  #122687  Sat, 30 Jul 05 07:03 PM
Can somebody please check the grammar and structure of this paragraph? Thanks in advance.

When I was doing internship at Customer help desk in the bank I usually received complaints. Once a customer was very angry because he was having problem with electronic transfer of money between his accounts. He phoned the bank several times for help but to no use. In his angriness he came to the bank to report his complaint where I was present. Firstly I cooled him down by assuring him that I will help him and I am sorry for any inconvenience caused by the banks staff. Then I wrote down his account details and went to Information System office to find the cause. After probe the office found out that one of his accounts was not registered in the database. I immediately got back to the customer and told him the cause for the problem. I asked for his details and registered his account. Then I also showed him the way how to electronically transfer the money by transferring the money between his accounts. In the end he thanked me for the expeditious response and went away. I did not end it here, after few days I phoned him that if he feels any other problem he can ask me at any time. He thanked me and said he will continue his business with the bank because they care about their customers.
  
nona the brit  #122805  Sun, 31 Jul 05 09:48 AM

When I was doing internship at Customer help desk in the bank I usually received complaints.  You need to re-phrase this first sentence as it sounds as if people were complaining about YOU! 'During an internship at the bank's Customer Help Desk, I usually dealt with customer complaints.'

You need to remember to use 'the' and 'a' when necessary: the electronic transfer...the Information System office...After a probe (an investigation would be a better word)...

A few other areas need a check as well...

He had telephoned the bank...but to no avail.  In his anger....cut the words 'where I was present'....I would help him and apologised for any inconvenience...showed him how to electronicaly...I phoned him and said that if he ever has another problem...

  
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