Not at all, PFT.

Please post it here. (And I'm moving this thread to the Writing Forum.)

October 20, 2004

Dear Admissions Committee:

Para #1:
I am a prospective student at the Fashion Institute of Technology applying to the fashion design program. I have dreamed my entire life of becoming one of the top fashion designers in the world, and I envision FIT as being a stepping-stone in accomplishing my dream. After learning about its history and success in developing the finest designers in the fashion industry, **I am confident in my application to FIT**. I am a disciplined, hard-working, creative individual, who will strive to surpass any expectations and contribute greatly to FIT and the fashion industry.

Para #2:
I am a goal-oriented person and have already set a few important goals for myself. First, I want to learn the necessary skills needed to be an elite fashion designer by attending a **distinguished fashion school like FIT. Attending a prestigious school like FIT** will provide me with the necessary knowledge and experience so that I can accomplish my second goal of, getting an internship with a recognized fashion designer or company, such as Dolce and Gabbana, Marni, Oscar de la Renta, or Urban Outfitters. As a determined and prepared fashion designer, my third goal and ultimate dream is to have my own fashion design company.

Para #3:
I am a 2000 graduate of Bucksport High in Bucksport, Maine. Throughout my school experience I took courses in art and started honors art as a freshman in high school. I was awarded Outstanding Humanities Student, by Mrs. Newman, the school humanities teacher, in 2000. I am especially proud that the faculty chose me, out of many applicants, to create numerous murals for our schools. My post-High School education consist*s/or is it ed* of one year at the Maine College of Art in which I studied and became proficient with New Media (Adobe and digital movie software). I have since left the Maine College of Art to instead focus on fashion design.

Para #4:
I worked at the Institute of Contemporary Art, located in Portland, Maine, where I assisted in the coordination of social events, scheduled appointments, handled artwork, and oversaw the gallery. In the summer of 2003, I was fortunate to meet, collaborate, and design my first fashion portfolio with Michelle Slobin (Senior Designer for L.L. Bean men’s wear).

Para #5:
Fashion design is the right vocation for me to pursue because I appreciate the beauty of design, the quality in clothing, as well as fine details, fabrics, colors, draping, originality of design, and improving a previous design. I dislike any attire that lacks creativity. For instance, I do not respect design that is absent in motivation, thought, or thoroughness, where a little extra time and perseverance could have made the design the best.

Para #6:
My strengths include my ability to see a project to completion, creativity, drawing skills, intelligence, ambition, attentiveness, good manners, and a positive outlook on life. My present weakness is that I lack particular sewing and garment construction skills. I look forward to bolstering those skills at FIT and receiving critiques about my work.

Para #7:
In my free time, I enjoy going to the beach, shopping, playing tennis and soccer, working out, fishing, reading, writing, drawing, visiting museums, traveling, and volunteering. I am happiest when helping others not as fortunate as I, so I have been involved in organizations such as School Friends, United Way, Big Brother-Big Sister, Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Boston, Goodwill, and the Bangor, Maine-Soup Kitchen. I am a member of the Polar Dip Club, where we dip into Sebago Lake in Maine in the middle of December to raise money for cancer research.

Para #8:
With respect to fashion, I attend many fashion shows in order to keep up with the latest ideas in the fashion world. Seeking timeless garments on ebay.com and in thrift shops is something that I often do to involve myself in the history of fashion from many different perspectives. I clip fashion magazine articles and interesting pictures to add to my own reference library for inspiration. I also like to spend at least an hour a day viewing style.com on the internet for interesting trends, news, and upcoming events.

Para #9:
I am serious about fashion design and I hope that this letter provides you with a sense of who I am and why I be would a good contribution to FIT and the fashion industry. Fashion Institute of Technology is the place where I would like to begin in attaining all the goals that I have set for myself. Thank you for your time and consideration. If references or any additional information is needed, please feel free to contact me, at your convenience.

---

Yolanda,

I put in some paragraph numbers to prevent any confusion about my comments.

Overall, you have lots of great material to work with. But your organization and wording could use some work.

I am not going to go through your essay in detail. Too much work. But I will give you some general comments.

Organization:

I am not going to go through your entire organzation, but I will highlight one example.

Paras 1, 2 and 3 talk about your attributes/strengths. Then we detour for a while and then in Para 6 you start talking about strengths again. I think you should have all your positive attributes located in one spot.

Wording:

"I am a prospective student at the Fashion Institute of Technology applying to the fashion design program."

Or

I am applying to the Fashion Institute of Technology.



"I have dreamed my entire life of becoming one of the top fashion designers in the world, and I envision FIT as being a stepping-stone in accomplishing my dream."


FIT is just a stepping-stone??? That ought to make them feel good, no?

If it were me, FIT would be a pivotal part of my learning and experience that would enable me to become a great designer. I am confident that my knowledge, skills, and friendships gained at FIT would prove invaluable throughout my career. It's definitely not a stepping-stone.

Odds and Ends

You also talk about Maine College of Art. But it seems to just hang out there. Did you finish your program? If not, do you even want to mention it?


In any event, I think you need to tighten your organization and think about your wording a bit more carefully.


I hope these comments are helpful.

MountainHiker