We have partnered with TradePub to bring you free industry magazines and resources - no coupons or credit cards required!

Visit: englishforums.tradepub.com


Share this topic:
This is a discussion thread.
Latest post Fri, Nov 21 2008 1:16 AM by ferpectedit. 1 replies.
| |
babyblue_girl08  +  589730 Thu, 20 Nov 08 05:43 AM
i really need help on this one. Can someone kindly edit my essay for me? Please!

Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

 

Dear Supervisor,

 

            First of all I would like to thanks for sending the information and DVD about the military. After I had read some information about this I decided not to join in this activity. So I would like to let you know that, that is why I wrote this letter to you. I want you to remove my name and address in your list. I also want you to let your recruiters know about this, because they kept following me every time I’m at campus. Can you guys stop calling me because it so annoying and I know you know that. I been avoided the call every time you guys calling me. I hope you will understand me. That is my private life if I don’t want to join the military. I hope you guy can respect other decision.

 

            Here why, I don’t want to join in this activity because I think it not the right time for me to join. I have a lot thing to do beside this. I know everyone of us had different though and decision what the right thing to do. We human being have the freedom to choose which is good to do because it our life. You guys can’t force us to join the military if we don’t want to. I have personal life to do beside this that is why I’m planning not to join. I know that I had given you my address and my name to you but I really want all my information removes on your list.

 

Other thing than that, I was confuse that time and didn’t really know what to do in my life, so I give my address and name for your military recruiting. When I found out some information about the military I was confuse to join or not because I want to serve the government too. But I was an only child in my family and I don’t want to far way my parents. As I read about the military I need to training for several months that is why I don’t to join because I don’t want to away from my parents and friends that long.

 

Another reason I’m not join in the military is because I want to made my dream come true to be a doctor.  I don’t want to give it up easily and that also my parents dreams too. I don’t have too much time to spend in the military and in school together. I know in the military they pay for your tuition and things you need in school but I want to pay by myself. That is why I need to work to support my education. I know some folks want to join in the military because that they dream to be and other people join it because they don’t know what they want. So they decide to join in this activity.

 

I hope you will understand what I mean in this letter. I know you guys want us to join the military to serve the government. That is good too but everyone of us have privacy in life to do beside that. I know you had received a lot about this letter but I hope you can understand me and remove my name and address in your list. Sorry if I disturbing you but I need to let you know what my though was. Anyway thank you for sending the DVD and the information about the military. But now I’m interesting anymore that is why I write this letter to let you know. Well I hope you can understand my feeling and kindly remove all my information in your list too. Once again thank you and have a great day.

 

 

Joined on Thu, Mar 13 2008
New Member 31
ferpectedit  +  590108 Fri, 21 Nov 08 01:16 AM
I work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't go through the whole letter here, but I will show you how I would revise the first paragraph.

Dear __ __:

Although I am grateful for the information and DVD you have sent me about the military I have decided not to join. I want you to remove my name and address from your list. Please let your recruiters know about my decision, so they stop following me around campus. Also please stop calling me on the phone. I don’t want to join the military. Please respect my decision.

The salutation should be the supervisor's rank and last name followed by a colon. If you don't know his name or rank, call up the office and ask. Your first sentence sounds like a thank you note. I truncated it and joined it with the second sentence, to let your reader know more quickly what this letter is about. I also omitted the redundant phrases and unnecessary clauses, so your message is clear. Good luck!

Joined on Mon, Sep 8 2008
New Member 27
See my profile for info on getting reasonable (or for those new to my site, free) proofreading and editing services.
© MediaCet Ltd. 2009, v5.0.3614.32638. All content posted by our users is a contribution to the public domain, this does not include imported usenet posts.*
For web related enquires please contact us on webmaster@mediacet.com, status updates are available at status.mediacet.com.
*Usenet post removal: Use 'X-No-Archive'. You may not have understood that your posts would end up in the public domain. Please send proof of the poster's email, we will remove immediately.