I am required to wirte an essay to explain my working experience within 500 words maximum as I am applying a business school for master degree in a univertisty, please kindly help me check following essay and give me some comments. Your help will be highly appreciated!

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Essay 1
My working experience

My first job was started in the year of 2002, on Jan. 22nd in ***Emotion: automobileChina Investment Company as an intern. After 6-month internship, I officially joined ***Emotion: automobileas a formal employee. In December of the same year, I was promoted to be Administration officer within administration department, and then I worked in administration department for the next over 2 years till February 2004. My main responsibilities in administration department were office facilities purchasing, stationery purchasing, local vendor selecting through public bidding, invitation letter issue for German colleagues, flight ticket booking, hotel booking and travel agent selecting etc.

Based on my excellent working performance in administration department, 2 outstanding yearly appraisals which were conducted by HR team, our HR manager provided me a chance to be transferred to Sales department. Therefore, I happily accepted the offer and started working as Sales Operation Officer (***Emotion: automobileimport brand) since March 2004. The work in Sales department was really tough for me at the beginning because of the lack my knowledge about auto industry and sales operation management, but I believed I could control my work. After 2 months, I took over all my responsibilities in sales material update, ordering input system, contract issue, order tracking with factory in Germany, payment tracking (L/C or T/T payment), coordination with finance/marketing/after sales/logistics department, emergent problem solving and Auto show support etc... I have to say I learned so much from sales job especially the knowledge of how to run business efficiently and effectively in a company.

Unfortunately, I quit my job in ***Emotion: automobilein November 2004 after I served 9 months in their sales team. The main reason of my resignation was for too much workload in my position under the background that ***Emotion: automobilewas running their import car business without a very clear sales procedure, sales channel and market orientation. They authorized too many import car dealers without very strict qualification before they clearly identify the target marketing share with their import brands. Despite the big Chinese auto market was dull by 2004; ***Emotion: automobileimport car business ran even worse.

In January 2005, I joined YYEmotion: mobile phoneLtd., China as a secretary to Vice president in Communication Group. I had totally different job content and working atmosphere in YYEmotion: mobile phonehere which made me think about my career development and personal growth carefully. It’s not that easy to run such a big company as YYEmotion: mobile phoneLtd. China, they have very strict working principles for everyone and use advanced system like SAP and budget control to supervise the procedure of internal accounting, personnel, purchasing, IT support and to allocate the work to all business units. People enjoy working here with the principles and they make profit meanwhile.

I deeply realized the importance of effective and appropriate internal structure and system build up within a company through my working experience both in ***Emotion: automobileand YYEmotion: mobile phone.

Name: Tong *** Ping
Applying for: Master in International Business
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thank you in advance!
New Member04
Hello,

I think you have too many irrelevant details, precise dates etc and not enough information on what you actually did, what did you learn/achieve, what skills do you have/how will this equip you to study for an Masters.

I would also completely drop the complaints about the car business and too much work. Just move on to the next job without going into the details.
Veteran Member11,782
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Hello,

I think you have too many irrelevant details, precise dates etc and not enough information on what you actually did, what did you learn/achieve, what skills do you have/how will this equip you to study for an Masters.

I would also completely drop the complaints about the car business and too much work. Just move on to the next job without going into the details.

Make some revisions and post it here again.

good luck with your application.
Proficient Speaker: Users in this role are known to maintain an excellent grasp of the English language. You can only be promoted to this role by the Englishforums team.Retired Moderator: A moderator who has retired.
Hi nona, here below please kindly help me check revised article again at your convenience, thanks!
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Essay 1
My working experience

My first job was started in January of 2002 in Volkswagen China Investment Company as an intern. After 6-month internship, I officially joined Volkswagen as a formal employee. In December of the same year, I was promoted to be Administration officer, and then I worked in administration department for the next over 2 years till February 2004. My main responsibilities in administration department were office facilities purchasing, stationery purchasing, local vendor selecting through public bidding, invitation letter issue for German colleagues, flight ticket booking, hotel booking and travel agent selecting etc. I think the most valuable knowledge I’ve learned from the work is how to work as a qualified employee in a multinational company like Volkswagen. I learned how to organize my daily work in order, how to arrange administrative service for my colleagues efficiently and effectively, how to communicate and cooperate with people who come from different culture background for the same target and how to optimize and allocated resource on hand.

Based on my excellent working performance in administration department, 2 outstanding yearly appraisals which were conducted by HR team, our HR manager provided me a chance to be transferred to Sales department. Therefore, I happily accepted the offer and started working as Sales Operation Officer (Volkswagen import brand) since March 2004. The work in Sales department was really tough for me at the beginning because of my lack of auto industry and sales operation management knowledge, but after 2 months, I took over all my responsibilities by learning from relevant colleagues in sales material update, ordering input system, contract issue, order tracking with factory in Germany, payment tracking (L/C or T/T payment), coordination with finance/marketing/after sales/logistics department, emergent problem solving and Auto show support etc... I have to say I learned some essential knowledge from this job especially how to run business with a rational procedure which I suppose to be started from marketing activities, feed back from customers and dealers, receiving orders, digital orders in system, factory plan, logistics, sales, aftersales and finance. We have to make all the people who involved in this process fresh informed and acting with quick response so that we could reach our final goal, the sales performance.

Unfortunately, I quit my job in Volkswagen in November 2004 after I served 9 months in their sales team and joined Siemens Ltd., China as a secretary to Vice president in Communication Group In January 2005. It’s totally different job content and working atmosphere in Siemens here which makes me think about my career development and personal growth carefully. Since I would have been working in 2 different companies for three years, I need further professional education in business management area to improve and strengthen my professional ability for my job in future with theoretic knowledge. Compare with the time I just graduated from my university, now I can understand business management theory better and what’s more important thing is I need to learn it for my professional development.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I revised again for your kinly help, please check it at your convenience, thanks!
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My working experience

I began my first job in January of 2002 in Volkswagen China Investment Company as an intern. After a six-month internship, I officially joined Volkswagen as a full-time employee. In December of that year, I was promoted to be an Administration officer, and I worked in the administration department for the next over 2 years, until February 2004. My main responsibilities in the administration department were purchasing office facilities and stationery, selecting local vendors through public bidding, issuing invitation letters for German colleagues, booking airplane tickets and hotels and selecting travel agents. The most valuable knowledge I learned from this job is how to work in a multinational company like Volkswagen. I learned how to organize my daily schedule, how to arrange administrative services for my colleagues efficiently and effectively, how to communicate and cooperate with people who come from different cultural background, and how to optimize and allocate resources on hand.

Based on my excellent performance in the administration department and two outstanding appraisals by the Human Resources team, our HR manager offered me a chance to be transferred to Sales department. I happily accepted this offer and started working as a Sales Operation Officer (Volkswagen import brand) in March 2004. At first, the work in the Sales department was very difficult for me because of my lack of knowledge about the auto industry and sales operation management, but after 2 months, I took over all my responsibilities by learning from colleagues. I updated sales materials, put orders into the system, handled contract issues, kept tracking orders with the factory in Germany and Slovakia, kept tracking payment status (L/C or T/T payment), coordinated with the finance/marketing/after sales/logistics department, solved emergency problems and did relevant support for Auto shows. I learned some essential knowledge from this job, especially how to run a business with rational procedures which started from marketing activities, feed back from customers and dealers, receiving orders, digital orders in a ordering system, factory plans, logistics, sales and aftersales to finance. We have to make all the people who are involved in this process informed and able to act quickly so that we could reach our final goal, the sales performance.

Unfortunately, I quit my job in Volkswagen in November 2004 after I served nine months in their sales team and joined Siemens Ltd., China as a secretary to the Vice president in the Communication Group in January 2005. It is totally different job and working atmosphere in Siemens, which makes me think about my career development and personal growth carefully. Since I have been working in two different companies for three years, I need further professional education in business management to improve and strengthen my professional ability with theoretic knowledge. Compared with when I had just graduated from my university, I can now understand business management theory better and, more importantly, I need to learn it for my professional development.
Who can help me checking following essay? Thanks in advance!
Your letter is a lot better.

I would still change this part though...

Unfortunately, I quit my job in Volkswagen in November 2004 after I served nine months in their sales team and joined Siemens Ltd.,

Just put

I joined Siemens Ltd in ?month/year? as a .....
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