Help for motivation letter for university studies

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1 2
Dear all,

here we find a letter of motivation I´ve written. I saw another two posts with similar topics and I already learned from them. I would like to get advices and criticism on it. I´m looking forward to it!!!

hugs
Nat

Dear sir/ Madam

I am a Brazilian and Lithuanian citizen. I was born in Brazil, I have lived and studied there my whole life, however I was granted the Lithuanian passport thanks to my grandparents, who were Lithuanians and immigrated to Brazil after the IWW. I am writing to apply for the Master´s degree program in International Business at *** University. I am confident
this course will enable me to pursue a career as a product manager in Strategic Marketing in an international enterprise.

I graduated in International Relations at AAA in July 2003, at the same time, I accomplished 3 years of study in Social Sciences at University of B. There were hard times, I had classes from 7.30 to 13.00 and again from 19.30 to 23.00. I had a lot to read and many subjects at a time, though this experience thought me how to prioritise, how to manage well my time and over all, how to keep the motivation over the time.

In 2000, I really challenged myself when I accepted a volunteer position as an Assistant Coordinator in Intercultural Affairs in a NGO, where I spent my afternoons and Saturdays. Three years later I have managed to become a full time Marketing Coordinator in Public and International affairs. Undoubtedly, I could grow as a person, through my work with the unpreviled youth, as well as professionally, through my first job experience.

However the position I gained was satisfactory, I was missing an international experience. I
already had spent three months in England during my summer holidays in 2000 for an English course and in the following year I spent another three months in Germany to study German. I knew I should try to gain international experience before I had a family. Therefore I left the position mentioned above to challenge myself another time, and looking for an international work environment I have become a trainee in the Strategic Marketing Department in a Pharmaceutical Company in Germany, February 2004.

I have found the right atmosphere, where learning on the job is essential and apart from this I can apply my business and intercultural knowledge. I am ambitious, I can picture myself as a product manager in 4 years time and I want to further develop in this corporation, these are my goals, nevertheless I know that is time for another investment, I see the Master in International Business as an investment to reach my goals.

I first heard about *** from My professor tutor in Brazil, *** and aaa had a partnership in the past, and Prof. Dr. Yyy (former coordinator of the Faculty of Economics) is a fan of the method and its high standards. He told me I would fit there once concepts of Problem Based learning were already been implemented during my studies and I have successfully performanced.

Since 2002, when I first visited the city and the university, I have been dreaming of *** University, then on I could see classes, talk to students and learn more about the Problem based learning method. This year I met some ex-students of the university, many of them who are already working in my company, specially Francis Nonteye who answered my questions from a student’s point of view. During this year I seized the opportunity to join the open day and the information meeting. Having spoken students and professors, I am excited by my decision to pursue my Master’s degree.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response

Yours Sincerely

New Member04
Lotus,

You should look at Nadine's letter and Dung's letter. Nadine's letter is probably the best model to look at.

In looking over your essay, you seem to lack focus with no specific message. What I would like to see an outline. Once you have an outline, I would like to see how your sentences to fit into that outline.

Your English needs some work too. Are the classes in English? Have you taken your TOEFL exam?

MountainHiker
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Good morning!

Could you please explain better what do you mean with “seem to lack focus with no specific message”.
Maybe I know what you mean, we in South America have a different approach to issues, we are much more indirect and talk around the bush. Please tell me where I did it then I can try to improve, because what might seem clear to you, it’s something I cannot see. I have to learn how to think in the Anglo-Saxon way, as they expect it during my studies.

You would like to see an outline. I saw the Nadines´ and Dung´s posts and it was my outline:

Paragraphs:

1) Who I am and why I´m writting for.
I´m Brazilian, something interesting for an international course. I´m european, so the Uni doesn´t have to bother with all the requirements for visas. Brazilian and Lithuanian is a mixture that they might never have seen before and then they will keep in mind who I am among 500 candidates.

2, 3, 4) Background
They don´t want to see a CV and I think I have a quite successful history to tell. (I don´t want they to think that joining this master is my last chance in life) Apart from that, I thought that I could prove that I´m commited to what I do using examples to illustrate it. Maybe I over explained it, but I feel that they don´t know anything about my studies and some people underestimate the study and work in my country.

5, 6, 7) Why can I cope with their PBL system and why did I choose them?
I have experienced the PBL
The uni is well reputated im my Country
The course is in English and It will improve my skills
The city is a lovely place to live
The company were I work is supporting me and my studies, I have a chance to make a career there afterwards
I´ve searched and dreamed about it. Passion!!! It´s my dream to join this University!

I agree with you that I have to improve urgently my English in the letter and the way I express my ideas in general. I´ve been studying English very hard for the tests. I´ve taken the Toefl test already because the classes will be in English. They also asked for the GMAT test, which I also took some weeks ago.

I appreciate very much your help and I hope you can help me to further develop my letter.

Greetings
Nat
Lotus,

You still need to tighten your outline. To be facetious (humorous or funny), I could rewrite your outline as:

Paragraphs: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

-> I am Brazilian
-> I am European
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> The End

That's not an outline. That's a story.

A mistake that young writers often do for business communication is to tell stories. "Once upon a time a little Brazilian girl was born...." Unforfunately, that isn't the way business communication needs to be written.

Above all else, you need to be focused. This isn't the time for story telling. This is the time to convey a substantial amount of material in a very limited space with clarity and precision, all within a professional framework. That means, you want to tell only what you want to tell. Do not tell things that will harm your letter. For example, complaining about your class times IS NOT something you want to write about.

So what do you want to write about?

If you are applying to a university, put yourself in the shoes of the admission's staff. What do they want to know? If I were one of them, here's what I am looking for:

1) Who are you? *Essential background ***
2) What have you accomplished?
3) Any special achievements or obstacles that you have overcome?
4) What do you want to accomplish in life?
5) Why do you want to study here?

Knowing the answers to those questions will allow an admission's person to decide.

Try again with your outline. Be more precise. Look at Nadine's letter for some guidance.

Here's what I am going to avoid doing. I am not going to write your letter for you. I will HELP you structure your outline and HELP you write your letter. But the vast majority of the work has to be done by you.

Good luck.

I look forward to your next iteration.

MountainHiker
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Hi,

I thought this was a much better letter to start with than Nadine's or Dung's so you should end up with something really good.

I agree with Mountainhiker, just tighten it up a bit.

Hours of study; I can see why you mentioned it, but it did sound a bit like a moan, and perhaps those of us who have to work similar hours lack much sympathy! Studying at two institutions at the same time is quite an achievement but you could push this point a little more tactfully. Why don't you just say something after the mention of both institutions like 'This taught me a lot about time management and how to organise myself to successfully meet multiple deadlines.' It makes the same point in a positive way.
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Nona the brit,

I agree--the essential ingredients are there. She just needs to focus and tighten it a bit.

I look forward to watching her essay come alive.

MountainHiker
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Dear Mountainhiker,

I laughed so much when I saw:

-> I am Brazilian
-> I am European
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
-> blah blah blah
? The End

You were right, and I can keep this history for my grandchildren!

I’m happy you are helping me to write more business like and that you are not writing it for me, if I have asked some of my friends, that’s exactly what they would do, and at the end I would have a letter of “somebody else” motivation.

Dear Brit,

I love the phrase you suggested, somehow it explains what I think but I couldn’t reach this form. It’s shorter but meaningfuller

Thank you for the input of both of you! I followed your instructions, please have a look at the outcome.

Is it coming alive?

Warm Hugs to you 2!
Lotus

Dear sir/ Madam

I am writing to apply for the Master´s degree program in International Business at *** University. I am confident this course will enable me to pursue a career as a product manager in Strategic Marketing in an international enterprise.

I am Brazilian and Lithuanian citizen. I graduated in International Relations at AAA in July 2003, at the same time, I accomplished 3 years of study in Social Sciences at University of B. This taught me a lot about time management and how to organise myself to successfully meet multiple deadlines.

In 2000, I became a volunteer Assistant Coordinator in Intercultural Affairs in a NGO. Three years later I became a full time Marketing Coordinator in Public and International Affairs. Undoubtedly, I could grow as a person, through my work with the unpreviled youth, as well as professionally, through my first job experience.

Although I had a satisfactory job, I was missing an international experience. I had spent three months in England in 2000 for an English course and in the following year I spent another three months in Germany to study German. I felt that I should try to gain international experience before I had a family. Therefore I left the position mentioned above to challenge myself as a trainee in the Strategic Marketing Department in a Pharmaceutical Company in Germany, February 2004.

I have found the right international atmosphere, where learning on the job is essential and apart from this I can apply my business and intercultural knowledge. I am ambitious, I can picture myself as a product manager in 4 years time and I want to further develop in this corporation, these are my goals, nevertheless I know that I have to gain experience, and I see the Master in International Business at *** University as one way to gain experience and further reach my goals.

Since 2002, I have been dreaming of *** University, I have seen classes, talked to students, and learned about the Problem based learning method. This year I met some graduates from the university, specially Francis Nonteye who answered my questions from a student’s point of view.

I am confident about my decision to join the Master because I have experienced the PBL method, the *** University is well reputed in my country, I will be able to improve my English skills, the city itself is a lovely place to live, and the company were I work supports me and my studies.

During this year I seized the opportunity to join the open day and the information meeting. Having spoken students and professors, I am excited by my decision to pursue my Master’s degree.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response

Yours Sincerely

Dear Lotus,

Let's have a look at your letter.

MountainHiker

Dear sir/ Madam

I am writing to apply for the Master´s degree program in International Business at *** University. I am confident this course will enable me to pursue a career as a product manager in Strategic Marketing in an international enterprise.

I am Brazilian and Lithuanian citizen. I graduated in International Relations at AAA in July 2003, at the same time, I accomplished 3 years of study in Social Sciences at University of B. This taught me a lot about time management and how to organise myself to successfully meet multiple deadlines.

In 2000, I became a volunteer Assistant Coordinator in Intercultural Affairs in a NGO. Three years later I became a full time Marketing Coordinator in Public and International Affairs. Undoubtedly, I could grow as a person, through my work with the unpreviled youth, as well as professionally, through my first job experience.

Although I had a satisfactory job, I was missing an international experience. I had spent three months in England in 2000 for an English course and in the following year I spent another three months in Germany to study German. I felt that I should try to gain international experience before I had a family. Therefore I left the position mentioned above to challenge myself as a trainee in the Strategic Marketing Department in a Pharmaceutical Company in Germany, February 2004.

I have found the right international atmosphere, where learning on the job is essential and apart from this I can apply my business and intercultural knowledge. I am ambitious, I can picture myself as a product manager in 4 years time and I want to further develop in this corporation, these are my goals, nevertheless I know that I have to gain experience, and I see the Master in International Business at *** University as one way to gain experience and further reach my goals.

Since 2002, I have been dreaming of *** University, I have seen classes, talked to students, and learned about the Problem based learning method. This year I met some graduates from the university, specially Francis Nonteye who answered my questions from a student’s point of view.

I am confident about my decision to join the Master because I have experienced the PBL method, the *** University is well reputed in my country, I will be able to improve my English skills, the city itself is a lovely place to live, and the company were I work supports me and my studies.

During this year I seized the opportunity to join the open day and the information meeting. Having spoken students and professors, I am excited by my decision to pursue my Master’s degree.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response

Yours Sincerely


Dear Sir: [or Dear Sir or Madam:] Note the colon

I am Brazilian and Lithuanian citizen who is applying to the master´s degree program in international business at *** University. My career ambition is to become a product manager in international strategic marketing.

I graduated with a bachelor's degree in international relations from AAA University in July 2003. I also completed three years of study in social sciences at University of B. Studying two different programs at two different universities taught me excellent time management and organizational skills.


I cleaned up your prior two paragraphs. You need to clean up the remaining paragraphs. Get rid of unnecessary clutter (words), correct your spelling, watch your abbreviations (does everyone know what an NGO is?), fix your capitalizations (I have difficulty with these too), and try to tighten your structure. There is still too much story telling for my tastes. Instead try to tell the reader how your experience has been aligned to accomplishing your ultimate goal. You might need to modify your prior paragraphs.



In 2000, I became a volunteer Assistant Coordinator in Intercultural Affairs in a NGO. Three years later I became a full time Marketing Coordinator in Public and International Affairs. Undoubtedly, I could grow as a person, through my work with the unpreviled youth, as well as professionally, through my first job experience.

Although I had a satisfactory job, I was missing an international experience. I had spent three months in England in 2000 for an English course and in the following year I spent another three months in Germany to study German. I felt that I should try to gain international experience before I had a family. Therefore I left the position mentioned above to challenge myself as a trainee in the Strategic Marketing Department in a Pharmaceutical Company in Germany, February 2004.

I have found the right international atmosphere, where learning on the job is essential and apart from this I can apply my business and intercultural knowledge. I am ambitious, I can picture myself as a product manager in 4 years time and I want to further develop in this corporation, these are my goals, nevertheless I know that I have to gain experience, and I see the Master in International Business at *** University as one way to gain experience and further reach my goals.

Since 2002, I have been dreaming of *** University, I have seen classes, talked to students, and learned about the Problem based learning method. This year I met some graduates from the university, specially Francis Nonteye who answered my questions from a student’s point of view.

I am confident about my decision to join the Master because I have experienced the PBL method, the *** University is well reputed in my country, I will be able to improve my English skills, the city itself is a lovely place to live, and the company were I work supports me and my studies.

During this year I seized the opportunity to join the open day and the information meeting. Having spoken students and professors, I am excited by my decision to pursue my Master’s degree.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response

Yours Sincerely
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"Dear Sir:

I am Brazilian and Lithuanian citizen who is applying to the master´s degree program in international business at *** University. My career ambition is to become a product manager in international strategic marketing.

I graduated with a bachelor's degree in international relations from AAA University in July 2003. I also completed three years of study in social sciences at University of B. Studying two different programs at two different universities taught me excellent time management and organizational skills. ( as you suggested I have worked on the paragrafs 3 and 4, please have a look and tell me what you think...)

In Brazil, I was a Marketing Co-ordinator in Public and International Affairs. Although I had a satisfactory job, I was looking forward to an international working experience. Now I am a trainee in the Strategic Marketing Department in a Pharmaceutical Company since February 2004 in Aachen (Germany). I have found the right international atmosphere, where learning on the job is essential, and apart from this I can apply my business and intercultural knowledge to real issues.

I can picture myself as a product manager in 4 years time in the team which I work and I want to make a career in this corporation, nevertheless I have to gain experience. I see the Master in International Business at *** University with ist PBL system as one way to gain experience and further reach my goals."

... I´m still working on the other paraghrafs

Do you think this information is necessary for the motivation letter?

I had spent three months in England in 2000 for an English course and in the following year I studied another three months in Germany. After completing my studies, I wanted to gain international working experience

I have been working with Competitive Intelligence, I am closely monitoring four of our main competitors, I have written reports about them and their development in our markets and I also worked in the concept and in the implementation of a web-guide, where the competitive information is organised and available on-line.

I hope you get back to me soon

Kind regards
Lotus
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