anita_a  +  125337 Tue, 09 Aug 05 06:27 PM These are four drafts of  my poem. Please help me improvise, or rather, let me know which is better...   1) The continuous creaking sound Of the crickets In the tree next to my window Was ringing in my ears, Long after I shut the window down, Disturbing my peace of mind. chemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />> > The sweet chirping sound Of the sparrows In the tree next to my window Was a melodious wake-up call Forcing me out of my bed To have a look at the beautiful world. > > > > > > 2) Creaking sound of crickets In the oak tree Next to my window Ringing in the ears Long after the window is shut away From the redundant disturbance. > > Melodious chirping of sparrows In the mango tree Next to my window Rings in a new day Forcing the doors open To a beautiful world. > > > > 3) Disturbing cricket sounds Takes away the peace of mind In the wee hours of the night. > > Melodious chirping of sparrows Brings in a new hope In the first light of a beautiful world. > > > > 4) Crickets Creaking sound Late night Very disturbing. > > Sparrows Melodious sound Early dawn Beautiful world. anita_a Joined on Tue, Jul 27 2004 Sunny California Regular Member 822 Cheers,Anita Cricket

	Dj Bueno  +  125347 Tue, 09 Aug 05 06:47 PM Frankly I liked the 1st version at first but then 2nd sounded nicer. First stanza was good but we can make 2nd stanza look better by changing just two words I think; Melodious chirping of sparrows In the mango tree Next to my window Rings in a new day Forcing the doors open To a high-spirited day..   Dj Bueno Joined on Mon, Jul 18 2005 Senior Member 2,087 Gulyabani vardır, korkacak bir şey yoktur.

	Dj Bueno  +  125352 Tue, 09 Aug 05 07:00 PM By the way do you mind if I ask u sth? It's a bit irrelevant but I just wondered.Have you recieved my mail? If so, is it ok if I send you interesting forwards sometimes? Dj Bueno

	MrPedantic  +  125426 Wed, 10 Aug 05 12:02 AM Hello Anita Why not keep all 4 versions? You could think of it as 'Theme & Variations'. MrP MrPedantic Joined on Tue, Oct 12 2004 Veteran Member 12,679 ...opella forensis / adducit febris...

	anita_a  +  125435 Wed, 10 Aug 05 12:35 AM Thanks Mr.P. I was thinking of that too. Even then, I would appreciat if you could tell me as to which one is good. Do you think I could write it in even more ways? anita_a

	MrPedantic  +  125443 Wed, 10 Aug 05 12:49 AM I don't see why not. Have you come across Wallace Stevens' "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird"? Will think about it and stop by tomorrow! MrP MrPedantic

	anita_a  +  125643 Wed, 10 Aug 05 03:58 PM Of course, I have read that beautiful poem with a very beautiful opening and beautiful ending. "Among twenty snowy mountains, The only moving thing Was the eye of the blackbird." are my favorite lines. And also,'It was evening all afternoon'.That's a beautiful line. And also, "I do not know which to prefer, The beauty of inflections Or the beauty of innuendoes, The blackbird whistling Or just after."   Sorry got carried away.But,that poem is different from what I have here, right? Waiting for your comments, Mr.P. anita_a Inflections

	MrPedantic  +  125806 Wed, 10 Aug 05 11:16 PM Hello Anita Yes, I like those lines from Stevens too! No particular relevance, though; I was thinking of it as a 'theme and variations' poem. ------------------------------------------------ Just a few suggestions: 1) The continuous creaking sound => The continuous creaking Long after I shut the window down, => Long after I shut the window Was a melodious wake-up call ] I'm not sure about 'wake-up call'. Over here, it's a slightly newspapery phrase. 2) Long after the window is shut away From the redundant disturbance.] I'm not sure about these two lines. 3) Takes away the peace of mind => Take away peace of mind In the wee hours of the night.] I'm not sure 'wee hours' belongs here; 'early hours' perhaps. 4) Very disturbing.] A slight sense of anti-climax. ------------------------------------------------ See you, MrP MrPedantic