Here is my letter of motivation. thanks for help

dear Mr. Mountainhiker
here i have my letter of mitivation for prosgraduate programme of british schools. please help me to modify it. your help is appreciated!

here goes the writing:
Letter of motivation

Dear Sir or Madam:
Having completed my Bachelor’s degree programme of International Business in Finland, I am eager for a new experience of study with the postgraduate programme of XXX at your university.

Born as a Chinese boy, I have been working hard to achieve every goal of study in the crowds of intense competition. After graduated from my secondary high school, it then became a significant point of turn that I chose to participate in the entrance examination to the university where I am instead of normally to a Chinese one. The reason why it happened was that I felt confident in an international environment than people around me. Finally, I made it. Hence I realized that the cornerstone of my achievement was diligence.

The four years of high quality education in Finland has brought me a wide range of theoretical cognition and some practical experience regarding international business, especially in the marketing relevant area which is my favourite. Moreover, it helped me to efficiently adapt myself to the western social surroundings as well as the education system. As it is required inevitably in the modern business, multi-cultural communication and integration have great impact on international business operations. The familiarity of different cultural backgrounds, communication skills has now made me strengthen my confidence. Meanwhile, I am still on my way of enhancement. At this moment I realize that the support of my current optimistic condition is experience.

For trials during my career, I worked for internship in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for students planning to go abroad and also, in a joint venture medical equipment company as an internship marketing coordinator. The real-work situations brought me problems as well as the pride from individual achievements. They warned me about the key role of advanced strategy applications in the marketing projects handling, communication with trade partners and the analysis of development plans. Thus, I am ready to pursue it for further improvement.

Of course, nothing venture nothing gain. The Nordic countries such as Finland have their own business concepts. Involved with regional characteristics, it appears with the impression of stable, conservative, and extremely ethic. While the UK is one of the leaders in western business dealers. Integrated features of business methodology and people with creative value enable the well development of strategies. While it is considered to be a remarkable investment with risks involved to obtain an education experience in the UK. Nevertheless, the spirit of challenge is undoubtedly necessary for the final reward. And that is just what leads me to this promising land.

Finally, what else am I supposed to be equipped besides the mentioned above? A good luck perhaps. I will be patiently looking forward to it as well as your positive reply. Your help is greatly appreciated.



Faithfully
Chen Bei

Dear Sir or Madam:

Having completed my Bachelor’s degree programme of International Business in Finland, I am eager [to apply blah blah] with the postgraduate programme of XXX at your university.

[Born as a Chinese boy…junk] , I have been working hard to achieve every goal of study in the crowds of intense competition. [It doesn’t sound right.]


[I have consistently applied my best efforts toward my studies. Is that what you are trying to say ?] After graduated from my secondary high school, it then became a significant point of turn that I chose to participate in the entrance examination to the university where I am instead of normally to a Chinese one. The reason why it happened was that I felt confident in an international environment than people around me. Finally, I made it. Hence I realized that the cornerstone of my achievement was diligence. [this doesn’t sound right at all. I am not sure where to begin.]



The four years of high quality education in Finland has brought me a wide range of theoretical cognition and some practical experience regarding international business, especially in the marketing relevant area which is my favourite. Moreover, it helped me to efficiently adapt myself to the western social surroundings as well as the education system. As it is required inevitably in the modern business, multi-cultural communication and integration have great impact on international business operations. The familiarity of different cultural backgrounds, communication skills has now made me strengthen my confidence. Meanwhile, I am still on my way of enhancement. At this moment I realize that the support of my current optimistic condition is experience. [You need to express yourself in plain language. I have no idea what “theoretical cognition” means in the sentence you used.]

For trials during my career, I worked for internship in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for students planning to go abroad and also, in a joint venture medical equipment company as an internship marketing coordinator. The real-work situations brought me problems as well as the pride from individual achievements. They warned me about the key role of advanced strategy applications in the marketing projects handling, communication with trade partners and the analysis of development plans. Thus, I am ready to pursue it for further improvement.

Of course, nothing venture nothing gain. The Nordic countries such as Finland have their own business concepts. Involved with regional characteristics, it appears with the impression of stable, conservative, and extremely ethic. While the UK is one of the leaders in western business dealers. Integrated features of business methodology and people with creative value enable the well development of strategies. While it is considered to be a remarkable investment with risks involved to obtain an education experience in the UK. Nevertheless, the spirit of challenge is undoubtedly necessary for the final reward. And that is just what leads me to this promising land.

Finally, what else am I supposed to be equipped besides the mentioned above? A good luck perhaps. I will be patiently looking forward to it as well as your positive reply. Your help is greatly appreciated.



Faithfully
Chen Bei


Try rewriting this is a more straightforward manner. Don’t use such fancy language or big words.


MountainHiker

Dear Sir or Madam:

Having completed my Bachelor’s degree programme of International Business, I am eager to apply for the postgraduate *basketweaving* programme of XXX at your university.

I have been consistently applying my best efforts toward my studies. After graduating from the top secondary high school in my hometown, I decided to pursue a *astrophysics* degree at Vaasa Polytechnic University from Finland instead of a Chinese university. [*Because why?*] Through the tough selection policy of two admitted out of all candidates my successful admission confirmed my decision and faith. [I am not sure what faith has do with anything?]

The four years of academic career in Finland has brought me a wide range of understanding in theories and some practical experience regarding international business, especially in the marketing relevant area, which is my favourite. [You need to rewrite this opening sentence. It sounds weak.] During the course International Marketing Management, one of my project works was highly appreciated by the professor because I efficiently managed to modify a model of entry strategy and presented it on the basis of understanding the given contents when everyone else was still preparing to start. It was the very first time that I felt so proud of myself during these four years, which also strengthened my confidence about the future study. [I would rewrite this entire paragraph. In rewriting, I would focus on achievement (what did you succeed in doing), and what you enjoy (which course and why), and what you learned (how did you benefit).]

Moreover, living in a European country helped me efficiently adapt myself to the western social surroundings as well as the education system. As it is required inevitably, multi-cultural communication has a great impact on international business operations. The familiarity of different cultural backgrounds, communication skills has now contributed to supporting my competitive edge. [This sounds very bland. Corporate speak. It doesn’t speak to you the individual. Did you enjoy it? Did you learn from it? Do you hate living in a foreign country? Or did you enjoy it immensely? See, I can’s answer any of these important questions. Wasted paragraph.]

In 2004, I worked for internship in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for students planning to go abroad as well as in a joint venture medical equipment company as a marketing coordinator. The cases brought me obstacles in operation as well as the optimistic experience from achievements. [needs to be rephrased.] They warned me of the key role of advanced strategy applications in the marketing projects handling, communication with trade partners and the analysis of development plans. Thus, I am ready to pursue them for the further improvement. [paragraph needs work. “they warned me” sounds ominous. I am not sure what you are driving toward with this paragraph.]

Of course, nothing ventureD nothing gainED. [Don’t start with the clichés. People tire of that very quickly.] The Nordic countries such as Finland have their own business concepts. [which region doesn’t? Doesn’t tell me anything about you.] Involved with regional characteristics, they appear with the impression of stable, conservative, and extremely ethic. [ethic or ethnic, and what is “extremely ethic”?] The UK is one of the leaders in western business dealers. [And UK horses and some of the world’s horses. Again, doesn’t tell me anything of value. And it sounds a bit silly.] Integrated features of commercial methodology enable the advanced development of business strategies. [And how does this relate to you?] While it is considered to be a risky investment to obtain an education experience in the UK. [incomplete sentence.] Nevertheless, the spirit of challenge is undoubtedly necessary for the final reward. [got no idea what you are driving at.] And that is just what leads me to this promising land. [The “promised land”, what promised land? This sounds like something out of the Bible or something. Or you are trying to use a cliché but very ineffectively.]

Finally, the experience of education in the UK will be an extremely exciting and valuable for my whole life. However, the successful admission will be only the beginning if I am accepted. With consistent work sparing no efforts for this postgraduate learning, it will surely become a key to activating my future career in faith of devoting to the weak commercial relevant industries and education of my home country.

I will be patiently looking forward to your positive response. Your help is greatly appreciated.



Faithfully
Chen Bei

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You are still writing to impress rather than inform. You need to do a lot of work to turn this essay into something you can submit. I give you a lot of credit in being able to learn English in a foreign country and pursue a business degree. But I think your English still needs a lot of work before you will be able to become a strong writer. For your graduate work, you will need to be able to write very well.

You can continue to revise this letter here in the forum, or you might wish to consult a private resource. There are two listed resources in the top post and I am sure that there are others.

Good luck.

MountainHiker

Hi,

Sorry, but your writing is not natural sounding. I don't mind fine-tuning an essay here and there, but your essay needs rewriting. For example, you first sentence now is worse than it was before.

"Being about to complete my BA programme of International Business entirely English taught in Vaasa Polytechnic in Finland, I am eager to obtain a postgraduate level programme to strengthen the field knowledge specifically concentrating on the marketing area that I found both enjoyable and valuable in my career."

It doesn't make proper sense and it doesn't flow very well. I honestly think that you need more practice writing before entering grad school. You will have difficult in writing essays and exams.

I don't think that I should be rewriting your essay, sentence by sentence.

As much as I want to help you, and I do, I don't think I can give you much more guidance at this point. You need to find someone who can tutor you in English and writing. And then try writing your essay again.

What I will do is ask some of the other moderators to look at your work and see if they can suggest changes that will help you. I know if I try to help, I will simply rewrite your essay, which is not the correct action.

MountainHiker

dear Mr.Pedantic
thanks for informing me and reviewing my essay. the following is my recent improvement.

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Dear Sir or Madam:
Having completed my English-taught BA in International Business in Vaasa Polytechnic in Finland, I am eager to apply for a MA in Marketing.

The most precious personal values of mine I would consider are: the desire of challenging and diligence. After graduating from one of the top high schools in China, I attempted to pursue a BA in international business in Vaasa Polytechnic University from Finland. Confronting the critical selection that only two candidates admitted out of all, I decided to invite one of my schoolmates to apply together who was better at study than me. Admittedly, this act threatened me with a risk on possibility of admission while on the contrary, in my point of view, it stimulated and inspired me to compete for the first significant achievement in my life. After those tough several weeks, I successfully won the first place coming to Finland.

The first time that marketing enlightened my interest was during the course International Marketing Management. The professor highly appreciated my adequate accomplishment in advance of the project work in class. I stayed always ahead of the scheduled progress because I had applied my best effort to thoroughly fulfil all the existing and possible future requirements from the professor. Therefore, within a couple of weeks, an initial version of my work had been presented while other people were still busy with how to start. Meanwhile, the presentation of my simplifying modification to a theoretical model was surprisingly awarded an immensely positive feedback for my creativity. The experience not only brought me the extensive knowledge and my favour on it, but also led me realising some key distinction that my future customers, as my professor does in class, may expect from me in business: think in advance, be active and be creative.

During the overseas studies, I found myself talented for language learning. I attended three courses of progressive levels in Spanish, for which the grades were five, four and four respectively based on our five grading system. As well, another four came from the Finnish language test comprising of both paper and speaking exams. I enjoy learning languages and talking with foreigners to share the colourful cultures. Learning different cultural backgrounds contributes to my better understanding and communication in those languages. Thus it assists me to effectively communicate in marketing activities in my future career.

In 2004, I worked for internship in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for overseas students planning and also, in a joint venture medical equipment company as a marketing coordinator. I realised the worthiness of my cultural experiences in marketing communications in practice and became fascinated on it.

With the strengths and multinational cultural background associated with my Chinese origin, I definitely have the confidence about this suitable programme’s reinforcement to my career under my dedicated effort.

I am looking forward to your positive response and your help will be greatly appreciated.

Yours faithfully
benny chen