Cv + letter of motivation review pls...?

First of all a huge HELLOOOO.. first time here and surprised by the existance of such fora...

I am about to send my cv and motivation letter to a university in italy-design course- (teaching in english hehehe...). I wonder if you could review 'em and suggest correction. The letter seems a bit vague am i correct? Be as strict as you wish...Well, here they are:

.........................................................CV.........................................................................


-Education

1997-2001> BA in Industrial Product Design from AKTO – Middlesex University
2000> Seminar classes in Fine Arts.
19994-1997> Seminar classes in Architectural design.

-Professional Experience

2003-2004> Member of the design team of “X Company” official licensee for the Olympic Products of Athens 2004 Olympic Games (pins)
2001-2002> Part time employment as junior designer in “SDesign”

-Languages

Greek (mother lamguage)
English (Certificate in Advanced English by Cambridge University)

-Computer Skills

Blah/blah/blah…

-Competitions/Awards

2004> Participation in the meeting “Design Management” organized by…..
2004> Honor in the “blah contest” organized by …..
2004> Participation in “aaa contest” organized by……
2002> Participation in workshop organized by Goethe Institut and siemens AG

-Interests/Activities

> Constant update on Industrial Design issues through printed material, internet and exhibitions in Greece and abroad.
>Continual interest and attendance of various forms of art such as sculpture, contemporary dance, architecture, digital media via exhibitions, live performances and internet.
>Incessant exploration and development of new expressive media.

-Other Activities

2002-2003> 14 month Military service as Corporal in the Force of Engineers.



-end-


q1: is honor the correct word? Shall i use honourable mention?
q2: shall i exclude the military service stuff? i think it is good to remain as i can demonstrate leadership capabilities....






................................................motivation letter........................................................




Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Product Design at X University.

I graduated in Industrial Product Design in July 2001 from X College. In addition I also had classes in Architectural design and Fine Arts as seminar courses.

During the last year (from August of 2003 to September of 2004) I had been member of the “X Company” design team for the design of the authentic pins of ATHENS 2004 Olympic Games. While working there, I had the unique opportunity to collaborate with professionals of various specialties (such as designers, marketing/sales managers and production engineers) as long as different nationalities. Beside the obvious experience I gained through this employment, I was also motivated and prompted by supervisors and colleagues to continue my education in this particular field.

Although I could remain in this position with good prospective, I decided to resign in order to focus in my future studies. Not only do I want to gain a solid background in design field but also enrich my experiences and broaden my cultural and professional eventually horizons by studying in Italy and particularly at your University. Epicurus has said that the biggest fruit of self sufficiency is freedom and for me both goods are only attained through knowledge.


Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.



Sincerely yours,



-end-


q1:shall i exclude the" I was also motivated and prompted by supervisors and colleagues to continue my education in this particular field." ? does it look like i am forced to do it?


Thank you in advance for your time!

Alexandros

I have already sent to other unis similar letters an cvs (completely different format and content) and i was rejected by all of them. I guess it was not just these the reason of my rejection but once i have another shot i will try to do it right this time......

Hi,

I have already sent to other unis similar letters an cvs (completely different format and content) and i was rejected by all of them. I guess it was not just these the reason of my rejection but once i have another shot i will try to do it right this time......

Try talking to them and getting some feedback. Then you can better prepare your next application.

MountainHiker

Hi,

This stuff is always hard. Yes, your letter could use more specifics. The danger is that one gets caught up in the details. I encourage you to speak to someone at the university who can provide more direct and meaningful feedback.

The participation, against or for you? I like it, but others might not. If you can include any positive comments you received or something like that to show acknowledgement or acccomplishment, that would be good.

MountainHiker

Hi,

I made some subtle changes. I tried to put a more positive spin on things. You may need to play with it a bit more.

MountainHiker


Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Product Design at X University.

I graduated in Industrial Product Design in July 2001 from X College. In addition I also attended classes in Architectural Design and Fine Arts.

During the last year (from August of 2003 to September of 2004) I had been member of the “X Company” design team for the design of the ATHENS 2004 Olympic Games authentic pins. I had the unique opportunity to collaborate with professionals from all over the world with various specialties such as designers; marketing and sales managers; and production engineers. Working in such multidimensional environment was a great [experience] because I learned how to co-ordinate the design and fabrication of the products and leadership skills. My supervisors and colleagues were very impressed by my work and encouraged me to continue my education in product design.

Because of my passion for design and the very positive feedback from my prior work, I decided to resign in order to focus on my future studies. I want to not only gain a solid background in the design field but also broaden my cultural and professional horizons by studying in X University in Italy.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.



Sincerely yours,