Letter of Motivation (study abroad)

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Guest:
I need help with my letter of motivationfor a study abroad semester.
I apply for a place at a University in New Zealand and I have a lot of problems with it.
Please help me and correct it or give me other recommendations.
Bye hoschi.24

Here is my letter:
To whom it may concern:

I apply for a place at your University to spend the spring semester in 200X at the University of ***, New Zealand.

I am a twenty-five year old student at the University of Applied Sciences International *** in ***, Germany. I am studying International Business Administration in my sixth semester. My seventh semester will be the study abroad semester. The focus of my studies is on Auditing, Accounting and Controlling. I have finished different internships in these topics to extend my knowledge and get professional experiences.
The studies at the *** are held in three languages: in German, English and Spanish. Of course, German is my native language and I finished my first study abroad semester in Santiago de Compostella, Spain. There I improved my Spanish skills and get in contact with a different culture, mentality and way of life. So my Spanish and German have an exceptional level. My English language skills are already exceptional too, but I would work extremely hard to improve my language proficiency and take advantage of the academic challenges presented to me. Because of this I apply for a place at the University of ***, New Zealand.

New Zealand is a great challenge for me. Because it is the country which has the longest distance from Germany it gets quite clear that New Zealand has its own culture, identity, way of life and origin which are totally different from the European culture. To get in contact with a lot of different people and their culture and get to know and experience them personally are very important stages to develop your personality and broaden your horizons. This I have learned during my first semester abroad in Spain. New Zealand is famous for its unspoilt nature and its great variety of different landscapes although its surface is not larger than Germany’s. All in all New Zealand will be a great opportunity to develop my personality, get in contact with many interesting people and experience the life down under.

The city of *** is with its over one millions inhabitants the one of the greatest metropolis of New Zealand. On the one hand it offers all the opportunities and advantages of a big city but on the other hand it has a wonderful landscape with its volcanic origin. This city has a great offer of water sport possibilities with its shore to the *** and the nautical highlight is the *** Anniversary Day Regatta. So it is quite obvious why *** is called “***“. *** is a melting pot of European, Maori and South Pacific’s culture. It is a mixture of the South Sea and Europe with its own style, way of life and character.

But deciding the issue for applying in ***, New Zealand is the University of ***. It has a great advantage in comparison to other partner Universities of the ***. Because the University of *** is a public University I hope to meet a lot of students from New Zealand during my semester. So in *** I will have the opportunity to get in contact with home students and learn their way of life and get to know their culture. And this is of course the deciding advantage to improve specifically my English language skills. English is and will be the most important language of international business. And it gets more and more important all over the world because of globalisation. All in all good English skills become a absolute requirement for all graduates.

With my firm academic background as well as a solid track record of work experience I am sure your University will benefit from my knowledge, experiences and abilities.
Hi,

I've only had a quick scan but I can give you a bit of help.

Start 'I would like to apply....'

'Because it is the country which has the longest distance from Germany it gets quite clear that' this sounds a bit silly (no offense) as I don't think that distance really relates to degree of difference in culture. There are other countries far closer to Germany that will have a far more different culture!

I doubt they are interested in a tourist sales pitch for their city.

Organise your thoughts a bit, you are jumping around from language skills, to your studies, to your travel history, to why New Zealand and back again all over the place.

Try one paragraph for each of the topics they are asking for.

Other than that your actual English is pretty good!
Veteran Member11,782
Proficient Speaker: Users in this role are known to maintain an excellent grasp of the English language. You can only be promoted to this role by the Englishforums team.Retired Moderator: A moderator who has retired.
Anonymous:
 Of course I wouldn't put the "x's" in the final copy.

[H] 
Anonymous:
During the past four years, I studied industrial engineering (with specialization in?) electronics at Ostend. The emphasis of my studies was understanding the fundamental electronic principles that govern modern day electronics. But I also learned about other diverse topics such as safety, economics, and industrial management. I found the last topic, industrial management, to be very interesting and exciting, because one of my career aspirations is to participate in the senior management of an industrial company.

To further my career aspiriations of becoming part of a senior management team, I want to obtain a Master's Degree in Industrial Management. Having this knowledge will allow me to better understand management principles. With all the uncertainty and changes in with world, political, economic, and technological, I believe that management must have a solid understanding, supported by a strong academic foundation, of how to guide companies through these challenging times.

No education is complete without experience. Armed with a solid understanding of academic principles, I can begin my career where I will add to my experience. Because I will be well versed in the theory, I will be able to adapt and modify the theoretical constructs as required in order to meet my company's needs. I fully recognize that our political, economic, and technological environments are constantly changing, and thus management needs to be able to adapt quickly and accurately to the new conditions if the company is to survive, let alone prosper. I believe obtaining a Master's Degree will provide the necessary background for me to be to anticipate and react to ever-changing environments.

I look forward to launching my new career. Should you have any questions, please contact me at....

Sincerely,
Anonymous:
lots of grammatical mistakes and phrases a native speaker wouldn't use. Additionally, you overemphasize your English proficiency...
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