Letter: Request For New PC

This is a discussion thread · 1 replies
Please advise corrections if necessary:

Dear [Chief Controller's Name]:

As an information person in a finance division, a genuine request
for a new computer is a work requirement of my various activities.
The extraction, manipulation, and storage of massive records is a
very time consuming process on a five year-old aged computer system.
A new computer system will eliminate various bottlenecks and develop
advanced technologies that will bring true benefit to the finance
division. With this in mind, the following system is my recommendation
as per my work requirements:

HP MicroTower DC5100 (PZ582UA):

Pentium 4 3.0 Ghz
512MB Memory
128MB Graphics
1.44MB Floppy Drive
80GB 7200RPM Hard Drive
48X CDRW Drive
Network Card
Mouse/Keyboard

HP CRT Monitor v7650:

17in .24 dpi monitor

Thus, my acknowledgeable hard work as "fast and furious" should bear
some fruitful results. If possible, please confirm in advance the
estimated availibility of my new computer system. I have positive
expectation to operate the new computer system early February 2006.
I will highly appreciate for your immediate and positive cooperation
on this matter.
New Member01
Hello Nimbuz. Your letter is too wordy and convoluted. Simplify it to something like this:

Dear [Chief Controller's Name]:

An up-to-date computer is a requirement for my work as an information person in the finance division. The extraction, manipulation, and storage of massive records is currently a very time-consuming process on our five-year-old computer system. A new system will eliminate bottlenecks and allow us to use advanced software that will bring true benefit to our operations. The following system is my recommendation:

HP MicroTower DC5100 (PZ582UA):

Pentium 4 3.0 Ghz
512MB Memory
128MB Graphics
1.44MB Floppy Drive
80GB 7200RPM Hard Drive
48X CDRW Drive
Network Card
Mouse/Keyboard

HP CRT Monitor v7650:

17in .24 dpi monitor

Please let me know how soon we can expect to receive this new system. If possible, I hope to begin operating under an upgraded system by early February 2006. I am grateful for your help in this matter.

Sincerely yours,
Veteran Member88,631
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