Jon,
I think your letter reads quite well.
One sentence stood out to me because it is the same type of structure that I have difficulty with. I am going to play with it a bit. You might find you don't like my revised letter. If that is the case, at least you are better prepared to tweak this one sentence.
1) I am 27 years old and although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins, I am mainly self taught.
Normally, I would rewrite that as....
2) I am 27 years old, and although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins, I am mainly self taught.
But I think that might be a bit careless because we have a subordinate clause that is not set off at both sides. So to be "safer" you might want to rewrite that as....
3) I am 27 years old, and, although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins, I am mainly self taught.
Now you could strike through (eliminate) "although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins" and it still reads okay.
Alternatively, you might with more emphasis on your education.
4) I am 27 years old, and although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins I am mainly self taught.
Some people go nuts with commas, others don't. That is something I still struggle with.
Here are my suggestions. If you like them, great. If not, please disregard. I struggled with this letter somewhat as I am not a cognoscente of paintings. So I might not have correctly interpreted your letter, and I might have taken some liberties in my interpretation when I rewrote it. So you will need to read my letter carefully and see that it reflects your intent. If not, adjustments to the letter will be required.
So I am just going to bluster ahead, and it will be up to you to decide what you like and accept or what requires changes. You can always post a revised letter and we can have another look at it.
One last note, I am trying to, wherever possible, put a "positive/optimistic spin" on things. I find that helps to open doors. But make sure that my “spin” is appropriate and works for you.
The Paras are just so that I can refer the paragraphs in the notes.
Dear Mr. Smith: (colon)
Para: 1
I am a 27 year old aspiring painter from West Sussex who would like to meet you to show my paintings for possible exhibition at your gallery in the near future. I have enclosed five examples of my paintings along with this letter for you to review.
Para: 2
My work is influenced heavily by painters Francis Bacon and Philip Guston. By combining their technique/structure/lighting with characters from contemporary culture, I am able to tell my story by painting real life figures. Each real life figures is important to me because I am able to relate to that figure in a personal manner.
Para: 3
Although I have studied at Chelsea School of Art and Central St Martins, I pride myself on being mainly self taught. After seeing Philip Guston's work for the first time four years ago as well as admiring the work of Francis Bacon, I decided to paint exclusively with acrylics and use layers of transparent mediums to bring out the true depth of the colours on canvas.
Para: 4
To date I have had two exhibitions, a group show at Gallery 47 with friends and at Wimbledon Art Studios last June. Both exhibits were well received.
Para: 5
Again, I would welcome the opportunity to show you my paintings in person. I will call you next week to see if you are available for a brief meeting. Thank you very much for considering my request and I look forward to meeting you and receiving any comments you may have about my work.
Yours sincerely,
You
Notes:
The Paras are just so that I can refer the paragraphs in the notes.
* Tell him specifics--exactly how many samples are included?
* Your work is influenced by *everything* by your major influences are Bacon and Guston? You might have adjust the first sentence in Para 2.
* I am not sure what it is about Bacon and Guston that has influenced you...so you need to modify "Using their whatever..." Is it technique, structure, lighting, style or something else? I just put in the three "technique/structure/lighting" as placeholders. Do not use the "slashes" in a real letter. Again, this is just a placeholder for a better and more accurate description of their influence.
* Rather than using "contemporary culture," you might very well prefer to go back and use "film, literature and music."
* I put the “pride myself” in to reflect your accomplishment. But perhaps it was merely a statement of fact? This is part of the positive spin. Decide if you like it.
* I am not sure I would volunteer your web designer occupation. There is nothing wrong about it. Rather, I would focus everything on my wanting to get an exhibit. This is not a big point. I try to really focus as much as I can towards my ultimate objective. I am not always successful.
* In Para 5, you have got to be a bit of a bulldog. This is not the time to be meek and mild-mannered. If the person appears unresponsive when you call, ask if you can meet for a coffee. Get some feedback from them. Most people want to help others. As long as you are polite, people are usually willing to accommodate you. But make sure that the ball remains in your court so that you can follow up. If you leave the ball in his court, it is easy for him to drop the ball and move on to the next topic.
Like most things in life, opportunities go to those who seize them. The gallery will appreciate someone who sells himself. Ultimately, those who sell themselves will also sell more paintings.
I hope this helps.
MountainHiker
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