Making a complaint (FCE)

There is another topic for FCE and my answer to this, could you please check this? Words in brackets must be included. Thank you.

You bought the personal stereo advertised in a mail order catalogue.

A GREAT LITTLE PERSONAL MUSIC CENTER THAT FITS IN YOUR POCKET! (very big and too heavy for my pocket)

This high-quality stereo comes to you at the unbeatable price of $19.99, (not true – found one for $14.99 in shop) including cost of postage, lower than you will find in any shop.

It comes compete with:

-         headphones (missing)

-         convenient carrying case (zip broken)

-         batteries

It has a recording facility (didn’t work), will pick up any radio station, and plays all your tapes (destroyed two tapes) with high-quality sound.

THIS IS A BARGAIN NOT TO BE MISSED!

Write a letter to Home Mail Order, complaining about the stereo, and asking for your money back, or a new stereo.

Dear Sir/Madam,

     I am writing in connection with a personal stereo, which I saw advertised in your mail order catalogue. Last week I bought one of these stereos, and I am sorry to say that I was very disappointed when I received it.

     First of all, your advertisement stated that the price of stereo would be lower than in any shop but I saw the same stereo at the price of $14.99 instead of $19.99.

     Furthermore, your advertisement promised that it would be a high-quality stereo compete with all necessary accessories. However, when I received it, headphones were missing and there was a broken zip on a carrying bag. A recording facility did not work as well and I have already destroyed two tapes with my favourite musical compositions.

     Finally, you also promised that it would be a compact and portable device. However, the stereo was so big and heavy that it could not be carried in a pocket.

     Could you please arrange for me to receive a new stereo or refund my money in full?

     I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Peter Petrov.

Clive wrote:

Hi, This is a good letter. I've made some suggestions, so please read carefully. Look at my changes about articles. Also, try to avoid repetition of words, like 'stereo'. Use pronouns.  Best wishes, Clive Dear Sir/Madam,      I am writing in connection with a personal stereo which I saw advertised in your mail order catalogue. Last week I bought one of these, and I am sorry to say that I was very disappointed when I received it.      First of all, your advertisement stated that the price would be lower than in any shop but I saw the same stereo at a price of $14.99 instead of $19.99.      Furthermore, your advertisement promised that it would be a high-quality stereo complete with all necessary accessories. However, when I received it, the headphones were missing and there was a broken zip on the carrying bag. As well, the recording facility did not work, and I have already destroyed two tapes that contained my favourite musical compositions.      Finally, you also promised that it would be a compact and portable device. However, the stereo was so big and heavy that it could not be carried in a pocket.      Could you please arrange for me to receive a new one or refund my money in full?      I look forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully, Peter Petrov.

Thank you very much for your corrections and useful advice.