> *Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.!*
>
> A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
>
>
> To: The citizens of the United States of America:
>
>
> In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
> of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
> she does not fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
> America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
> you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
> suffix -ise.
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of
> communication.
>
> There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
> your
> behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account
> of
> the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
> your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
> sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we
> mean.
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion tables.
>
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> sense of humour.
>
> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as Lager.
>
> South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
> greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
> They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
>
> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
> that
> all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters.
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
> Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
> regularly thrash us.
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America or Japan. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> there
> is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
> learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
> take
> the sting out of their deliveries.
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
> mugs,
> with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
>
>
> God save the Queen.
>
>
> Only He can.
>
>
> John Cleese
(If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you. T.T.)