Motivation Letter

Jay T,

Please go through your letter and replace (...) with names. Use fictious names. ABCDE University in Phantom City, Mars. It just makes the editing process easier.

Also pleave leave spaces between your paragraphs.

I glance (only glanced) at your letter very quickly. It seems to me that you are trying to prove that you belong in a Master's program. I would take a different approach. I would be more confident, more forceful. Given that you are a VP Marketing, this skillset is an additional benefit to your already strong skills. I am not sure how to say this correctly, but try to come through your letter more confident.

Once you revise your letter, I will look again.

MountainHiker

Manager of the Program
Division of Industrial Marketing & e-Commerce
XXX State University

January 3rd, 2005


Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Program in e-Commerce.

I think one of my most distinguishing characteristics is the diversity of experiences I possess. I am a man with management aptitude and an interest in IT. All these elements have given me a very broad outlook, with varying degrees of knowledge in a range of topics. I strongly believe that although some are not related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work. [Much too vague. I don’t like it for various reasons and reduced my opinion by a various amount and will provide my assessment sometime in the future. Tell me your degree, and tell me where you are in life. And tell me where you want to go.]

With a Bachelor Degree in English Translation and passing MBA courses in University of AB in Panama (so you have a MBA?) and University of CD in US, I have learned the systematical researching, analytical thinking, and information evaluation, but most of all they have provided me with deeper insight of Business. During my studies in Bachelor degree, I had a course in Translation of Economic texts that increased my interest in the connection between my first job (Marketing and Sales Assistant) and Business. Strong desire of continuing my education in the field of Business at a post-graduate level made me move to Panama and I started a MBA at American University of AB in Panama. After passing eight MBA courses, I had decided to continue my education at a western University. Therefore, I moved to US to complete my degree there. I took nine MBA courses in the University of Georgia. In this university, I learned the values of teamwork, commitment, how to concentrate and focus on goals. It has also been great help in co-living and communicating with various people and different societies. [I get lost in the various universities and courses. I’ve got no idea whether you information system mba courses or whether you took hr courses. Make it much easier for me to understand. I have a Bachelor Degree in English Translation from ABC University in ABCD. I have successfully completed MBA courses at the following universities: blah blah blah. My emphasis has been on information systems. Thus far I have X courses required for an MBA. My career is blah blah blah. Now tie the two together.]

My first acquaintance with e-commerce goes back to when I was living in Panama six years ago where I could order an item through Internet and then the merchant was sending me the item with its carrier service and I could pay him either in cash or by check. In November 2000, our university was the host university of Decision Science Institute's year 2000 annual meeting in Orlando and I went with my IT professor. I had the chance to meet with famous e-commerce and IT researchers like Efraim Turban and James Monroe. I went to some workshops in this conference and I really liked the subject. Then I have decided to do an e-commerce major which our university did not have. After the conference, I concentrated more on e-commerce subject and I noticed that in US, there are several private e-businesses like Amazon.com, Dell.com and etc [etc means my brain has ceased to function. I don’t know anymore.] are very successful. I also noticed several governments' institutions like Police Department and Municipality are offering many services just through their websites. During my job at XX, I had the chance to see one of the practical aspects of e-commerce and networking directly since the company is using a comprehensive networking software which I could serve personally its customers not through U.S. but through the other sites in all over the world. [I dislike the story telling. Why not say you are captivated by technology and commerce. You are interested in learning more about blah blah blah. Companies such as X, Y, Z are interesting examples. The reality is, there has been a huge shake-out in the e-commerce “space” and your field is flooded with these candidates. So why do you want to enter a field that has a glut of qualified people.?]

I always enjoyed learning about business and especially computer Science and IT and following technological developments and seeing their implications. My business background is an excellent pathway to a master's degree in e-commerce. A master's degree will give me the up-to-date tools and knowledge to be competitive and competent. [see prior paragraph comments.]

To prepare myself better for this objective I completed a course in E-commerce in College of Economics in Panama University. I took several computer courses like HTML, DHTML, FrontPage, Flash, ASP, and SQL Server in branch of UK-AB College in my country. During the last ten years, the extensive use of computers for analysis and preparation of presentations and reports has made me familiar with spreadsheet, word processing and presentation packages. I think having fair knowledge of the above-mentioned courses is necessary to do an e-MBA. I speak English fluently and I have gained a satisfactory level of French. [All your educational stuff should be located together.]

After completing my masters program, I would like to continue my education and obtain a Ph.D. in Information Technology. This degree would enable me to combine a teaching career with advising e-business solutions to both private sector and government. Teaching college students is more than a one-way channel; I would also learn from their questions like my professors have from mine. [You should have stated your ultimate objective at the very front of this letter. I would also improve the content.]

Now I would like to focus on a Master programme which offers a wide range of subjects and electives, which will let me broaden my interests ine-Commerce.
From prior students and research, I have learned that Delaware University is known for its high academic standards, the faculty's reputation for excellent teaching, challenging coursework and the excellent facilities are added attractions. I find it important to be equipped with the right theoretical tools; but nonetheless, it is decisive to get experience from an educational system and country that is one of the leading ones in the area of IT and E-Commerce. Therefore, I would expect the University of Delaware to provide me with applied and practical courses that could help me in my future educational and work progress. This is creating an exciting environment to gain both knowledge and inspiration. Wanting to focus both on knowledge and critical thinking, I am hoping this University will help me achieve all my goals. [This needs to be strengthened as well. I would not be so patronizing and simply set out your case. Again, you want to be more confident.]

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jay T…

Jay,

The problems you are encountering have little or nothing to do with English. Your ability to write English sentences is strong. You problem is with organization. Please think about my comments, take some time, and then provide a new version.

MountainHiker

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January 3rd, 2005

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s programme in e-Commerce.

After completing my master’s program in e-Commerce, I would like to continue my education and obtain a Ph.D. in Information Technology. This degree would enable me to combine a research and teaching career (rather obvious, no?). In particular, I am interested in factors that affect the competitive performance of a business, and the manner in which changes in technology(like e-commerce) affect an organization's structure, long-term business strategy, product development, manufacturing, supply chains, distribution network, information needs, and standard systems (you don’t want to provide a laundry list of items. They know what IT does. Your challenge is show why you are interested and what special abilities and background you bring.). In order to have enough understanding of the above-mentioned issues, it is essential for me to have a strong background in, e-strategies, e-marketing, e-CRM, and issues connected with Information Technology.

I always enjoyed learning about business and especially computer Science and IT and following technological developments and seeing their implications. My business background is an excellent pathway to a master's degree in e-commerce. A master's degree will give me the up-to-date tools and knowledge to be competitive and competent in future age of Information Technology.

I have a Bachelor Degree in English Translation from AB University in Iceland.

I stopped reading here.

You want to present a tight cohesive letter.

Rough Framework.

Para 1: You want an e-commerce degree

Para 2: You prior education is what? (one sentence). You current job is what? This leads to what? And you want to do what?

Para 3: Explain past education

Para 4: Explain how job fits into furthering your degree.

Para 5: Explain special skills and abilities.

Para 6: Wrap it all up.

Stay away from the buzzwords and other stuff. Tell them about YOU. They know the buzzwords and technical speak. What they don’t know is about you. And you is what they have to decide upon.

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During my studies in Bachelor degree, I had a course in Translation of Economic texts that increased my interest in the connection between my first job (Marketing and Sales

Blah blah blah

Hi,

I quickly scanned your letter. You didn't follow the instructions.

In the 4th paragraph, I FINALLY learn that you have a degree in English translation. Get all your stuff at the front. And you are still overloading me with a bunch of technical mumbo jumbo (e-crm, e-strategies, html, dhtml, bs, mbs).

Read your stuff out loud. Does it make sense? Does it follow some sort of chronological or other systematic order?

Rather than replying to my stuff quickly, take some time and reorganize your stuff.

Go back to my earlier outline.

You need to give a BRIEF history quickly. You need to state your goals quickly. And then you need to tell me about YOU. Tell them what motivates you. Tell them what interests you and why it interests you.

You need to cleanly lay out your organization.

As it stands now... you have

1) e-commerce

2) master phd, and then a bunch of junk about mumbo jumbo (organization's structure, long-term business strategy, distribution network, information needs, and standard systems. In order to have enough understanding of the above-mentioned issues, it is essential for me to have a strong background in e-strategies, e-CRM, and issues connected with Information Technology) It needs to be streamlined. More importantly, it needs to fit in its proper place in your letter, and it probably ain't here.

3) You've always enjoyed IT

4) Now we regress back in time and learn you have an English translation degree. Oh, and we learn about your current job. So now we're mixing ancient academic stuff with current employment stuff. It is summarized by future goal of wanting to work in the educational system. See the organization? I don't.

5) Then we move back to your bachelor degree. And we ramble on and on.

Do you see how disorganized this is?

You need to properly group everything so that it follows both chronological order and a subject or theme.

Please take your time and really work hard at fixing this.

MountainHiker