Please help with motivation letter

Mimoi2 wrote:

Does anyone have any suggestions for this motivation letter?  Anything would be really appreciated! Name Address1 Address2 Phone   Date     To Whom It May Concern: I would put a comma after the Concern rather than the semi-colon.   With this letter I would like to express my interest in a position in the Global Risk Talent Programme.  I am a graduate of the University of Florida.  I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Electrical engineering in 2002, and a Master’s degree in Electrical engineering in 2004.  After careful thought and consideration, I <Omit the Have>decided to undergo a career change.  I am now in the process of becoming an associate actuary. I am originally from Suriname, which is in South America, and I speak fluent Dutch and English. You keep on saying " I am", I think you should vary between "I'm and I am", eg. I'm originally from Suriname.   What attracted me to engineering was the amount of mathematics involved.  Math and numbers have always been my first passion.  Recently I became more interested in using my math skills in other ways, in particular I have become interested in the Actuary sciences.  I am a highly analytical person, and when it comes to problem solving I am as good, or better than anyone else.  I <Omitted> started the process of becoming an associate actuary by studying for the first two exams (Probability and Financial Mathematics) and by starting the process of VEE credits by taking Economics, Accounting, Finance, and Probability classes while also employed full-time.  My first actuary exam is in November and the second one is in December of this year.  I am confident that I will pass both examinations on the first try.  I believe that my education in electrical engineering has sharpened my analytical skills, and has challenged me to always give my all and perform well.  I believe the design methodologies that I have mastered during my education will prove to be extremely useful in analyzing and managing risks. Again, you keep saying "I am", vary with " I'm". You also keep on saying "I.....<word> have" a lot and should be varied as you repeat yourself over and over here, and you like to use the word "that" in conjunction with "I am" as well a lot and it becomes repetitive and dull to read. Apart from this, you have the paragraph spot on I think.   What attracts me to the field of Risk analysis are the challenges involved.  Challenge is what motivates me.  The more complex the problem, the more motivated I am to solve it, and the more motivated I am, the more positive the outcome.  During my education, it has always been the Mathematics courses and the Statistics Courses for which I received A’s.  Out of the six mathematics courses I took, I had 5 A’s and 1 B+, while I had A’s for both Statistics courses I took in college.  I believe this will pay off in the risk management and analysis industry.  My long-term goal is to become a Fellow of the Society of Actuaries, specializing in the financial industry, particularly in Insurance.  I realize this will take a few years to achieve, but I'm willing to put more of my time and energy into it, because I've finally found something that I will truly enjoy.  To me there is nothing more exciting than having to work on complex, analytical and mathematical problems as part of your career.  I believe that being part of the Global Risk Talent Progamme at company1 will be a major factor in achieving my goals by giving me hands on experience and training in the field.  I am particularly interested in the Finance industry because everything around us in this world revolves around Finances.  Insurance particularly interests me, because that is society’s most powerful answer for managing risk. The same problems exist here with I am, I have, I believe I whatever. Don't get me wrong it's not a major problem but if you look at the adjustment of "I've above, it comes off the tongue easier than having a lot of little scrambled words which makes the sentence sound better. Like I said, it's nothing to worry about. It's still grammatically correct.   Through living in the United States and growing up in Suriname, I have become fluent in English and Dutch.  For these reasons I am entirely capable of integrating and working/studying in a multicultural environment such as company1.  The University of Florida emphasizes team work, especially in a program like electrical engineering.  Florida is also a very multi-cultural state and these experiences taught me to listen to people, to develop my leadership skills, and to take into consideration cultural differences. You have already stated your fluent in English and Dutch. Company1 represents the perfect environment for a young motivated woman who wishes to enter the finance sector. Company1 also embraces values to which I can relate and in which I can further enhance my skills.  Company1's international position also represents an opportunity and an experience that I would like to be part of. Nothing wrong here me thinks.

Overall, not a bad written letter, and you have made your point sufficiently. I think the problems I have listed should be taken with a grain of salt although I just didn't like reading the repetitive remarks constructed.

As for layout, it's superb. You have made sufficient conclusions and beginnings in the opening and concluding paragraphs and the in-between paragraphs have suitable points and finish the letter off brilliantly.

Hope that helps,

Triquediqual