Motivation letter! Emergency help!

Dear Sir/Madam,

[I would like to express my interest for an admission to the third year of my BA in International Marketing and Management at Nanyang Technological University – Nanyang Business School, Singapore.]

Why not...

I am applying to the third year of my BA in International Marketing and Management at Nanyang Technological University – Nanyang Business School, Singapore.

After studying two years of the Marketing Communications programme at BI Sandefjord, I needed to do something else. [oh, oh, why does he need to do something else????] I spent two months backpacking in Southern Africa. I learned a lot about a totally different culture [just one?] and met many interesting people. When I got back to Norway, I realised that I wanted to start studying International Marketing instead of Marketing Communications. I talked with a student counsellor who signed me up for some courses ["signed me up for some courses" sounds very informal] that I needed to complete the transfer. I am now more motivated than ever to finish my BA in International Marketing in Asia.

[Nanyang Technological University (NTU) has established an international reputation and produces outstanding graduates. NTU has proven themselves worthy partners to two hundred different universities in thirty countries, included Norway. The close relationship with well-known global companies ensures that theoretical expertise is supported by real experience of culture-based communication and global market strategy analysis. A year at NTU will offer an academic experience and provide opportunities for self-development. It will be an exciting new phase of my life.]

This sounds very patronizing and is wasted space. They know who they are. But they don't know anything about you. And they have to make a decision about you. So I would use this opportunity to tell them about you mostly. You need to say why you have chosen them, but I would stop with the patronizing comments and focus on why you chose them.

I’m [I am....don't use contractions in formal writing] looking forward to interacting with fellow students with different cultural backgrounds, which will contribute a better understanding of how to promote business in those cultures, since different cultural values require different marketing strategies.[long complicated wandering sentence. You need to show focus. Your academic career shows "wandering" too. Is this person a wanderer? Or is he focused on achieving his goals?] This I hope will help me respond effectively in an international business environment.[Not sure what that means.] I look forward to graduate from NTU with strong bonds to my fellow students and the international alumni network.[More patronizing comments] I hope that my experiences at NTU will equip me to manage my future well and also prepare me to make significant contributions to the development of my country.[Platitudes...nothing tangible] To both get a Norwegian as well as an international diploma may be a positive thing [You sound like Martha Stewart in the US...."that is a good thing"....try to be a bit more formal] when I apply for interesting jobs in my future international career.

Thank you for taking time to consider my application. I am looking forward to hearing your response. [Phrase this in a more positive tone.]

Yours faithfully,

Ingamar83,

You have my prior comments. They still apply.

I would also get rid of your informal "catch" stuff.

In reading your letter, I am left with the strong impression that this change in universities is merely a job hunting tool. I don't see any passion for Asia or even why you chose Asia. Last I checked Southern Africa was not in Asia. All in all, your letter leaves me rather cold.

You've got my recommendations. Good luck.

MountainHiker