Motivation letter for scholarship

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hi,

I am trying to write motivation letter for scholarship for postgraduate studies. I used Nadine letter and adapted it. I am still not sure how my letter sounds. Could you please go thru it and tell me your opinion?

Thank you.

Jasmina

Dear Sir,

I am writing to apply for the *** scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of ***, Faculty of Architecture in ***, ***. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management, which provoked my strong interest in issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity.

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practises encounter each other. In the age of economic globalisation, multimedia communication and transnational migration these urban areas are increasingly changing. On another level, this phenomena influence people’s lifestyles and as a result their dwelling practices are changing. This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems facing urban development. I am interested in studying the urban condition globally and analysing the urban design strategies and practises of urban space creation.

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of a new type of collective residence in an urban area that would be able to accommodate the changed life style practises of the urban dweller. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions that are dealing with the subject of urban condition on different levels. I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research.

The *** in ***, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented *** deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the *** to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year *** is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Master’s Degree at the ***. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges.

I have made the necessary contacts with the *** contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Master’s Degree program in urbanism at the ***, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jasmina

New Member05
Hi Jasmina,

I greatly appreciate all the preparatory work that you have done.

Architects have a language and manner of speaking and writing all their own. I find that they seem to combine both science and art into some strange alchemic brew. I sometimes just wish they'd cut to the chase and stop with the flowery language. That said, let me give you my comments here shortly.

By the way, I think you letter is pretty strong and I really don't have much to comment on.

MountainHiker

Dear Sir: [always a colon in business writing]

I am writing to apply for the *** scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of ***, Faculty of Architecture in ***, ***. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management. Through my studies I became fascinated with in issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity.

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practises encounter each other. In the age of economic globalisation, multimedia communication and transnational migration these urban areas are increasingly changing. On another level [what's the first level??--I'd just use, "Morever, this phenomena..."], this phenomena influence people’s lifestyles and as a result their dwelling practices are changing. [For example, blah....] This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems facing urban development. I am interested in studying the urban condition globally and analysing the urban design strategies and practises of urban space creation. [1]

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of a new type of collective residence in an urban area that would be able to accommodate the changed life style practises of the urban dweller. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions that are dealing with the subject of urban condition on different levels. I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research. [2]

The *** in ***, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented *** deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the *** to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year *** is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Master’s Degree at the ***. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges.

I have made the necessary contacts with the *** contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Master’s Degree program in urbanism at the ***, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jasmina

Notes:

1) The paragraph sounds academic..."economic globalization, multimedia communication, transnational migration, phenomena, strategies, urban development, globally, analyzing, urban space creation, an ever increasing entropy threatens the human race and existence." A lot of buzz words for one paragaraph, no?

As a reader, I would like to know at least one major problem that you seem to be referencing. Otherwise, I am inclined to think this is a lot of mumbo jumbo.

2) Similar to note 1. Tell me how you have made a difference or what you have discovered.
Senior Member2,528
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hi MountainHiker,

Thank you very much on your swift resoponse and your comments. I completely agree with you. Would it be ok if I post the updated version for review sometime next week?

Jasmina
Jasmina,

For you, of course it would be ok.

MountainHiker
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hi,

I made some changes and tried to avoid the flowery language. Can you tell me what do you think of it?

Thank you.

Jasmina

Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply for the *** scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of ***, Faculty of Architecture in ***, ***. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management. Through my studies I became fascinated with issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity.

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practices encounter each other. In the age of globalization, multimedia communication and migration these urban areas are increasingly changing. The increasing use of the car, the development of out-of-town shopping centers, the increase in the number of leisure complexes, and the extension of business/industrial parks, seem to be leading to a “dispersed town” urban model. Moreover, this has an influence on people’s lifestyles. For example, individual autonomy is increasing, also the diversity of social interactions within the same family and the professional mobility. This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems of housing diversity, urban intensity and sustainability. I am interested in studying the urban condition and analyzing the urban design strategies and practices.[1]

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of appropriate housing in urban area that would accommodate urban dwellers with diverse cultural and social profiles. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions on themes related to urbanism. I have learned that many urban areas in Europe have mixed and fragmented structure. They have often been formed by using partial logics and a variety of disparate interventions. As such, they constitute a favorable field for analysis. I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research. [2]

The *** in ***, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented *** deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the *** to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year *** is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Master’s Degree at the ***. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges.

I have made the necessary contacts with the *** contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Master’s Degree program in urbanism at the ***, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jasmina
hi,

I made some changes and tried to avoid the flowery language. Can you tell me what do you think of it?

Thank you.

Jasmina

Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply for the *** scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of ***, Faculty of Architecture in ***, ***. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management. Through my studies I became fascinated with issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity.

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practices encounter each other. In the age of globalization, multimedia communication and migration these urban areas are increasingly changing. The increasing use of the car, the development of out-of-town shopping centers, the increase in the number of leisure complexes, and the extension of business/industrial parks, seem to be leading to a “dispersed town” urban model. Moreover, this has an influence on people’s lifestyles. For example, individual autonomy is increasing, also the diversity of social interactions within the same family and the professional mobility. This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems of housing diversity, urban intensity and sustainability. I am interested in studying the urban condition and analyzing the urban design strategies and practices.[1]

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of appropriate housing in urban area that would accommodate urban dwellers with diverse cultural and social profiles. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions on themes related to urbanism. I have learned that many urban areas in Europe have mixed and fragmented structure. They have often been formed by using partial logics and a variety of disparate interventions. As such, they constitute a favorable field for analysis. I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research. [2]

The *** in ***, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented *** deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the *** to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year *** is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Master’s Degree at the ***. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges.

I have made the necessary contacts with the *** contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Master’s Degree program in urbanism at the ***, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jasmina
Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply for the *** scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of ***, Faculty of Architecture in ***, ***. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management. Through my studies I became fascinated with issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity.

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practices encounter each other. In the age of globalization, multimedia communication and migration[,] these urban areas are increasingly changing. The increasing use of the car, the development of out-of-town shopping centers, the increase in the number of leisure complexes, and the extension of business and [don't use slashes] industrial parks, seem to be leading to a “dispersed town” urban model. Moreover, this has an influence on people’s lifestyles. For example, individual autonomy is increasing, also the diversity of social interactions within the same family and the professional mobility.[1] This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems of housing diversity, urban intensity and sustainability. I am interested in studying the urban condition and analyzing the urban design strategies and practices.

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of appropriate housing in urban area that would accommodate urban dwellers with diverse cultural and social profiles. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions on themes related to urbanism. I have learned that many urban areas in Europe have mixed and fragmented structure. They have often been formed by using partial logics and a variety of disparate interventions. As such, they constitute a favorable field for analysis. I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research. [2]

The *** in ***, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented *** deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the *** to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year *** is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Master’s Degree at the ***. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges. [3]

I have made the necessary contacts with the *** contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Master’s Degree program in urbanism at the ***, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

1) Run-on sentence. You need to fix.

2) Unless the person is intimate with architecture, this paragraph is just mumbo jumbo. I just see lots of buzzwords.

3) I would delete this last sentence as you cover the same topic with the same meaning two paragraphs later.
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Hi MountainHiker

Just wanted to say thank you for your help and commets. You are doing a great job here.

Jasmina
Jasmina,

Thank you for the compliments.

Given that you are going to be researching (and writing) here are two good books that I recommend to you.

[url="http://snipurl.com/9254"]Book 1[/url] and [url="http://snipurl.com/9887"]Book 2[/url].

Again, thank you for your compliments.

MountainHiker
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