I've put the corrections in bold.

Dear Madam or Sir,

The process of supply and demand is on-going and, as such, requires organizations to both adapt and innovate. Organizations should meet the challenge of modern technology and, at times, challenge it themselves. They must also be able to take advantage of opportunities in order to create or maintain a good position in the financial market. In short, the banks and big corporations need high quality (word deleted)  financial service where the focus is on the internal and external stock market environment.

I have a passion to work with financial transactions, stock markets and investment funds. Therefore, I would like to apply for the Bachelor's degree of Administrative studies, with the  track of Finance or Accounting into Faculty of .. at Y.. University which starts January 2009.

I graduated with a Master's degree of Law from University of Moscow in 2000. My studies have given me a solid foundation in six fundamental fields: Macroeconomics, Microeconomics, Banks' Law, Financial Law and Corporate Law. Since   finishing my studies I have been working as a Legal Advisor at  Y company.

I want to pursue an international caree in economics, specializing in either the Finance or Accounting field. My goal is to work as an analyst for one of the top investment banks or hedge funds, or as a Financial Advisor for a private trust in any world financial centre. To achieve this, I need to complete my academic background and to take a Bachelor's degree in Finance or Accounting at Y..University which offers an outstanding education and has a superior reputation.

To be successful and achieve high standards in the financial world, I need to obtain an extensive practical and theoretical knowledge in investment analysis, corporate finance, banking, and financial microstructure. I need to widen and deepen my understanding of quantitative techniques and financial behaviour. I am also eager to learn more about international financial systems and stock market investment funds. I understand that Finance and Accounting are very popular and competitive industries and it is rather challenging to achieve a professional career. I am however open-minded and prepared to meet all challenges presented to me. I am convinced that Bachelor's degree of Finance or Accounting will give me an opportunity to build a successful career and become a true professional, contributing value to my future companies.

I enclose my resume. Please feel free to contact me if you require any further details or documents. I hope to hear from you in the near future.



Good job.  Besides the corrections, I would have to say that if this is a university in the States, the writing style in your letter seems to repetive.  You should state your intentions clearly, so that they do not need to be repeated three times throughout the letter.  Good luck!