Nguyen Thi Le Dung
Provenierssingel 85 A
3033 EJ Rotterdam
UNIVERSITY COLLEGE UTRECHT
Faculty: Academic Core, Humanities, Science, and Social Science.
Dear Sir:
I am a Vietnamese citizen living in Holland and I would like to apply for the Bachelor of Liberal of Art's Degree program in Social Science department at University College Utrecht.[1] I am interested in this program as deeper knowledge of social, cultural, political and economic processes will certainly help with my future career AS A JOURNALIST.[2]
I graduated in English Language and Culture in July 2000 from the University of Vietnam. My degree focuses on English language, English literature, and English and American culture. I then worked for Song Huong Magazine, writing their Foreign Literature page for three years. I also taught English to children in Vietnam during the summers.
Last year, I started writing for Nguoi Lao Dong Newspaper, a major Vietnamese newspaper. Through my daily writing, I came to recognize that my knowledge of economic, politics and culture IS somewhat limited.[3] ****After obtain I would like to continue working in journalism after this course, and think it would be a great advantage to study in Europe environment, where have many specific events of societies and remain the variety cultures, the worthy literatures and the long histories. In addition, Europe is holding a very important role in world peace. So, Europe journalism has been developing significantly. That is also major factors to effect in my future career.****[4] [9]
To assist in my academic planning, I consulted with Mr. J.P.J. Rombout, who is both a good professor of history and a good advisor in education of the Netherlands.[5] From their analysis, I know University College Utrecht is a famous school of Europe about Sociology and Law.
![Devil [6]](/emoticons/emotion-14.gif)
I also visited your campus and discussed the programme with your students. [5]. Therefore I am more confident that I will gain the skills, knowledge, and contacts with a solid foundation in academic theory on subjects and empirical research to pursue a career as a journalist.[7]
After I graduate with a Bachelor of Liberal of Art's Degree, I will apply TO[?] a course of European Journalism [WHERE, WHAT UNIVERSITY?] and then I will go back Vietnam and follow in the footsteps of my mother to become journalist.[4] [5]
Are you not a journalist now? So what's changed? How does having this degree help you?
When you answer the above questions, we can finish the rest of your letter.
Yours faithfully,
Nguyen Thi Le Dung.
[1] Remember we discussed the proper spacing for Art's Degree?
[2] Your career as WHAT? What is your career going to be after you get this additional degree? And remember we talked about getting rid of the " ' ".
[3] Your knowledge (singular) IS limited, not ARE limited.
[4] Are you going back to Vietnam or are you staying in Europe? Please decide and please be consistent.
[5] I made substantial changes. See if they are accurate.
![Devil [6]](/emoticons/emotion-14.gif)
You need to do better than that. Do some research on the university. Look at their website. Find some reason why you choose that university. Why did you even choose Holland?
[7] You are copying Nadine's letter too much. For her, those sentences are fit naturally into her essay. It does not fit naturally into your essay. What academic theory and empirical research are you talking about? I am inclined to eliminate this sentence entirely, because it adds no value and only confuses the reader.
"Fortunately, with my graduated Bachelor of English Language as well as my best trying in studying of English during four year, I believe I will maintain my good level of English skills to understand lecturers, read English books of lessons, write assays or reports and make presentations in University College Utrecht, a new challenging environment, where have much European students researching. However I never mind for that, I prefer to learn together with them to adapt and modify their modern thoughts in cultural mix."
Dung, this doesn't fit into our outline that we discussed earlier. And it doesn't add much value. Your aim is to convey a lot of information in a simple and compact fashion.
[9] This entire section needs to be rewritten. It is very scattered.
You want something.
There are advantages.
Europe is important to world peace.
Journalism is developing.
This affects your career.
That's a lot of ground to cover in only a couple sentences within a single paragraph.
MountainHiker